Muslim Confessions

The Story of Angah That I Love

Assalamualaikum, I have been carrying this burden since 3 months now. I dont know what to do, I'm at a loss, and I need a place to express what's been weighing on my heart.My heartfelt confession is about my beloved younger sibling, Angah.Before anything else, I request that you recite Al-Fatihah for Angah, who was called back by the Almighty three months ago.I am the eldest of five siblings, and they call me "Along." I am 38 years old. Angah and I are only two years apart in age. I was raised in an ordinary family.Everything was quite ordinary in our family, in terms of everything. It wasn't too easy, and it wasn't too difficult. Our religious upbringing was also average, our parents taught us and provided for us as best they could. The rest, we siblings had to manage on our own.When I was little, Angah and I were often compared. The two of us were equally intelligent, but what was compared were our "piety" levels. I had a science background, but I had good behavior as well. Meanwhile, Angah was very diligent in religious studies.Throughout high school, Angah was called to the disciplinary room a few times for being caught smoking and skipping school. Our parents, Abah and Ibu, were at a loss. They eventually made the decision to send Angah to a religious boarding school when Angah was 18 years old.Angah completed their studies at the age of 25. Angah had undergone a significant transformation. The once hot-tempered and reluctant to pray Angah had become a devout individual, placing a strong emphasis on religion in every aspect of life. Abah and Ibu were overjoyed.Angah was diligent in attending the mosque, teaching children to recite the Quran, participating in religious classes, and actively helping the villagers. Angah didn't have a stable job, but Angah was a committee member at our village's mosque.Angah also engaged in various community activities to earn a living, which was sufficient to sustain themself.I was already married and no longer lived with my family. Other siblings were either still studying or living with their respective families. Meanwhile, Angah, who was two years younger than me, remained unmarried and lived with Abah and Ibu. Angah took care of our parents in the absence of other siblings.Angah never complained or grumbled, and Angah's selflessness made all of us, the siblings, very grateful. Thank you, Angah.Whenever I returned to the village for a visit, I could observe Angah's daily routine. Early in the morning, Angah would go to the mosque for Fajr prayers. Then Angah would return home with breakfast like Nasi Lemak or Roti Canai. After that, Angah would spend time with the nieces and nephews, watching TV or listening to religious lectures on YouTube or Facebook.In the evening, after performing Asr prayers, Angah would wait for the neighboring children to teach them how to recite the Quran in the front yard of our home. Ibu said that our home was never quiet with the sound of Quranic verses because the children came every day. I felt content hearing this.At night, after Isha prayers at the mosque, Angah would return home and continue reciting the Quran in their room until late at night. Then the house would become quiet after midnight. Everyone would go to sleep at around that time.But I noticed that Angah always stayed up late. After reciting the Quran, I knew Angah would go to the backyard to get some fresh air and smoke. Angah's smoking habit was still uncontrollable, even though Angah had changed so much from his teenage years.At night, Angah's school friends from the village would come and sit around with Angah. Sometimes I would come out of my room and join them as well. The room would be filled with cigarette smoke, but the essence of their conversation was highly intellectual.It was filled with advice and wisdom, though occasionally interspersed with jokes. I was sure Angah was conveying important messages.Five months before Angah passed away, Angah was diagnosed with lung cancer. Our family was devastated to receive this news. However, Angah remained calm, as if they had accepted Allah's test.Angah's condition deteriorated to the point where they could no longer stand on their own, relying on a respiratory device. Angah looked very weak. We were all deeply saddened by Angah's condition.Our home in the village is now quiet, with no more of Angah's laughter and the sound of Angah reciting the Quran in their room. Abah and Ibu were particularly devastated as they had become very close to Angah after Angah completed their studies at the religious boarding school.Throughout Angah's illness and their time in the hospital, many of Angah's friends came to visit. They offered their prayers for Angah. In Angah's final days, our whole family was there with Angah. When Angah took their last breath, Angah's face was very peaceful.When we shared the story of Angah's final moments with Angah's close friends and relatives, everyone felt relieved and said that Angah had left peacefully. Our family accepted Angah's departure.As the eldest child in the family, I had to take care of the first death in our family. I often reminded my family to continue praying for Angah, and I had to be strong for my family.It has been three months since Angah left me. I still miss his voice and laughter. I often look at Angah's mobile phone to see his pictures. Angah was diligent at taking pictures, selfies, and recording videos of their nieces and nephews.Those videos are what soothe my longing because from there, I can hear Angah's voice and laughter again. Only Allah knows how sad and longing I am for Angah, but I have to be strong for my family.One night, before going to bed, I felt compelled to check Angah's YouTube app on their mobile phone. I looked at the history section, which was filled with religious lectures and a few videos related to fishing and camping.I couldn't help but cry when I thought about how Angah must have longed to regain their health and engage in the activities they loved.Not satisfied with just YouTube, I started checking every app that Angah used on their mobile phone. I then opened the Google search history. When I opened Angah's Google history, my eyes widened when I saw...I can't believe it. I scrolled to the end. Until early 2022 I scrolled. How surprised I was when Angah's history was full of searches for p*rnography videos. I recited a long prayer.My heart started beating fast as if it wanted to explode. My face became hot and my fingers trembled. I still don't believe it.I started to have bad suspicions. After I looked at each one, all the searches were done from 11.30 pm until 2 or 3 am. Allahuakbar.I started to wonder why and how. Was it all done by Angah himself? Or was Angah's Google account used by someone else? If Angah did all that, why?Angah is a good person. Angah often recites the Quran until late at night. Angah will go to the mosque for dawn prayers. Angah teaches young children to recite the Quran... it is impossible that the one who did all that was Angah.I have been thinking about this for nights. I'm stuck. I'm disappointed, I feel like I'm being slashed and pounded until I'm broken and crushed. Everyone still talks about Angah's goodness until now.The other siblings still say good things about Angah. But not me. I feel very ashamed. I still pray for Angah, I still hope Allah forgives Angah's sins.But I can't accept the fact that I found this flaw about Angah. My heart tells me to share this with dad and mom, but part of me rejects this idea. I don't want to break their hearts. They love Angah very much.I am not a good person, but I never watch videos like that. Astaghfirullah. What shocked me more, almost every day Angah watched and searched for videos related to it.And the last search was done in early month he was diagnosed with cancer. After that, no more searches for p*rnography videos were made. I hope Angah had time to repent for his actions. I hope Allah forgives Angah's sins.I am very restless. I need a place to vent my disappointment. But until now I have never told anyone. I'm sad by myself. I miss Angah.How nice it would be if I found this earlier so I don't have to guess whether it's true or not that did all this was Angah. How good it would be if I had time to advise Angah to stop watching things that are not good.I love Angah, but I'm disappointed. I need words of encouragement or anything that can heal my sadness. I'm very stuck.May Allah forgive me if I have bad thoughts about my own brother. Forgive Along, Angah... Along loves Angah...May Allah answer all the questions that play in Along's mind, calm Along's heart and help Along go through the coming days without thinking badly about Angah. Aamiin.Along (Not real name)