Cat Café Prisoner

I Kiss My Dignity Goodbye

You have not known indignity until you have had to lick your own butthole.

"Just do it," Dollface said. "It doesn't taste bad or anything. I do it all the time."

With this, she rolled over onto her side, kicked a leg over her head, and began furiously cleaning herself. Shamelessly, in front of everyone. She didn't even notice when one of the humans took a picture.

"Your real mistake," Tomato said, "Was becoming a longhair. Us shorthairs don't have nearly as much of an issue."

Tomato--who was extremely orange and extremely stupid--attempted a kick flip off the wall for no reason in particular. Failing spectacularly, he mowed and wandered off to find a lap to climb in.

I looked at Dollface, then at my butt, then at the myriad of human shoes within my line of sight.

Office workers in heels, kids in sneakers, punks in their giant boots. So many people to watch me debase myself!

Dollface looked at me expectantly.

"I could do with a little privacy," I said.

She cocked her fluffy white head to the side. In my time at the café, I've found cats to have no understanding of certain human concepts, privacy being one of them.

"I'd like to be alone," I clarified.

"Oh!" she said. "Why didn't you say so? I know a place."

Cats may not possess shame, but they occasionally desire solitude for any number of inscrutable reasons.

Dollface led me toward the back of the café, weaving in and out of the humans' legs and deftly avoiding their attempts to pet her.

I'm not so good at avoiding yet, and was waylaid by two separate hands grabbing at my fur. Dollface awaited me patiently.

She took me into the climbing aperture that hangs on the back wall of the store, through a couple of tunnels.

We arrived in a carpeted box with a small window that allowed me to peer out onto the café floor, but which was surely too small for anyone to see me from below.

"No one comes up here because it's too cold." Dollface shivered for effect. We must have been right below the air conditioning vent.

"Thank you, Dollface. You've been a great help to me, and when I am restored to my full power, I will ensure..."

But she had already pranced away after a foil ball one of the humans had tossed under our enclosure.

These creatures have atrocious attention spans.

I rolled tentatively over on my side and looked over the mess in question. I swirled my tongue around in my mouth, contemplating that after today I would never again know what it was like never to have tasted my own shit.

I'll spare you the details of what came after.

Things should never have come to this. Once upon a time, I was the most powerful wizard that has ever lived in this valley.

And then I made a horrible mistake.