Only If She Stayed

04. Hope

I HOVERED MY HAND OVER THE doorknob to my bedroom with my back to Edgar. A shallow breath rumbled through me as I twisted it and pushed the door open. Mom wouldn't be home for another four hours. We'd be left to our own devices without being interrupted by any parental provision.

Edgar's hand connected with my side, rubbing the muscles in the hope to make me relax.

Which failed. If anything I became more aware of him and not soothed.

Edgar clearly caught on to this mood swing. "What's wrong?"

"Nothing," I muttered. "I'm just really sleepy."

I dropped my backpack at the foot of my bed and sat on the edge, going for my shoe laces and socks. "I haven't gotten much sleep lately. After we lost one of our dance members, its been really tough on the other girls."

"You shouldn't stress so much, babe." He fell on the bed, tumbling next me. "That's exactly why I think we should go to the Orson high party. To get all that stress out of your system. You rarely give yourself a break."

"I don't know, Edgar. I've told you a million times that I don't like going to parties."

Parties meant underage drinking, which meant twice as many dumb guys thinking they could hit on me. Usual at West Vista High parties, guys weren't stupid enough to approach me because of Edgar. Orson high was a completely different monster in comparison.

They were notoriously known for going for any kind of girl that sparked their interest. We didn't go there, so there was the possibility that someone might try to get with me, entirely unaware of the kind of person Edgar could be if he was ticked off.

"You can go to the party with the guys," I suggested, and in a much smaller voice I said: "I already know that's what you're going to do."

"I want to go with you though. That's the difference." He titled his head, pouting at me in what I assume was meant to come off as boyish and cute. "It'll be fun."

"I'm not sure, Ed..."

"Are you worried your parents won't let you go?" He laughed to himself. "They're barely around to begin with. There's no one holding you back from going."

I am though.

"We could just stay in. There's this movie I want to watch on Netflix. I was hoping to watch it with you. It's a documentary-"

"Yawn. Sounds boring already."

I felt my cheeks heat up. "I didn't even tell you what it was about yet."

"Anything that isn't action film isn't worth my time." His lips went back to pouting and resting his head on my knee. "C'mon, Rose."

Seeing that there was no way out of this, I particularly caved. "Let me think about it for a little bit longer."

We were going to go anyway, I could sense that from how he wasn't surprised at me saying I'd mull over the possibility of going.

I couldn't remember the last time I made the choice on how we'd spend our evening together.

It was either his way or the highway. I didn't mind it all that much, honestly, I didn't. I was so indecisive and that only lead to more problematic conversations.

I wasn't a straight-forward person. Sometimes I skirted around problems, or topics, because I didn't know how to approach the issue. You could say it was a bad trait, a character flaw even. I just saw it as a badge of who I was, linked to me for an eternity. I couldn't detach myself from that quality.

I started moving off of the bed.

"Where are you going?"

"I'm going to go get something to eat," I said to Edgar and stepped into my house slippers. "Do you want anything?"