what i wish i could tell him

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The same song plays in the back of my mind, marking one year since we ended. Thinking about you, us, and everything doesn't hurt as it used to. I scrolled through all the old essays I wrote to you, yet there was so much lack of maturity and pent up torment, and that's not what this is. I tried so hard to mature, just as you wanted in me. I gave you 11 months of space while indulging in my studies, making goals for the future, hoping that perhaps if I do well enough, we'd have one together. There's no point in hiding this because everybody knows we have unfinished business. It's been a year yet everyday you're still the first thing that crosses my mind in the morning, the last thing I think of at night, and the person I pray for every night. It's all so bittersweet to me. I've learned to grow out of being bitter about it. I'm rest assured knowing what we had was real and all the terrible things said about each other were out of pain and hurt. I should've held accountability, and I didn't. I kept blaming you for my issues not knowing you were hurting too. Reading through our old texts, I could feel the hurt in your text as a result of my immaturity, not knowing how stupid and selfish I was to not realize this before. I'm not salty or hateful about it anymore, I let it go but you were the thing I couldn't let go. I know that us breaking up was for the better because how else would I have grown out of my old ways and become the best version of myself. Part of me used to think maybe we could've matured together but I now realize that it's an individual process. You taught me maybe the biggest lesson of my life, and for that I believe we were meant to cross paths. Everything definitely happens for a reason. I've learned that no matter how long, no matter how hard I try, the love I have for you won't go away, so I stopped trying to make it. Loving you just became part of me and I came to terms that it's something I can't get rid of, and all I can do is show it through my actions. I needed to lose you to find myself. I used to love you in anguish and hurt, but now it's become my peace of mind. I know I'm capable of love, just with one person. You were my first love, I just didn't know you'd be my last. I tried to make it go away, but nothing worked. As much as I used to blame you, nothing that happened terribly between us was your fault nor mine. We were just two immature kids in love and I needed to be apart from you to grow up. I don't dwell over our past anymore, I know what we had was beautiful and irreplaceable. Instead of fighting against it, I took accountability and changed to be a better person, in which I give you full credit for because it never would've crossed my mind if it weren't for you. You made me the best version of myself, and for that I can't thank you enough. Although you can't talk about your own feelings, you are the most emotionally intelligent, thoughtful, and kind person I've ever known. Everything that has been put into me becoming a better person were from aspects of you. Everywhere I went, all the roads led back to you. In time, I learned that there would be no shortcuts, as I matured without you, I only learned to love you more. I thought my feelings as time heals the soul would water down but it wasn't just puppy love anymore. I love that you made me a better person, I'll love you when you fail, and when you succeed. I stopped going after different people hoping to fill the void I left in myself when I let you go because that wasn't something that could be filled. I couldn't stand to hurt another person just because you were lingering there in my mind. I love yet hate the way you're always right, the way you mentioned relationships in high school were useless but i refused to listen. I just can't feel the attraction towards anyone the way I did you, nor love this deep. I know now that you'll always linger in my mind. I often feel crazy for sensing your presence or thinking about how you were doing and your wellbeing despite not being in contact for so long. I remember that time I accused you of not loving me, but I should've realized that it was your first time loving too, and I hurt you abruptly with my actions. I kept texting you promising change but my words contradicted my actions. I could lie again and say that I've gotten over you, but there's no use fighting those feelings, even if you don't feel the same anymore. I look at you, and I just love you, and it terrifies me. It terrifies me what I would do for you." Love starts as a feeling, but to continue is a choice; and I find myself choosing you more and more every day. I love you, in ways you've never been loved, for reasons you've never been told, for longer than you think you deserved and with more than you will ever know existed inside me. You made me feel human again. your laughter, your breath, everything showed me what it is like to be a person: a living, breathing person.
You came into my life at a time when I thought everything was against me, everything would kill me. You showed me everything I had to live and fight for. In that short period I called you mine, you made me feel like there were galaxies in my veins and like the stars made their home in my eyes. I'll forever be grateful to the universe for bringing you to me, and at the same time I'll never forgive it for taking you away. We may be oceans apart physically, but emotionally, all the good I saw in you became part of me.  I hate to be corny and quote a movie, but for old times sake and because it's our movie and my favorite movie, sometimes we need to be apart to understand just how much we truly love each other.
"The best love is the kind that awakens the soul and makes us reach for more, that plants a fire in our hearts and brings peace to our minds. And that's what you've given me. That's what I'd hoped to give to you forever."