We are all just broken kids in the end

When you find me, don't feel sad or pity for me, I know it looks bad but I'm happier now that I'm gone. I might never have been happy alive but I'll be better now. I was never truly happy, not even when I thought I was, not even when I was seen as the sunshine of the class. People think that just because you are always cheery and shining means that you don't have a darkness building inside of you. But the truth was that I was terrified of going to school as a kid, I was scared of my friends and that I would make them mad so that they would hit me. I was a 6 year old who thought she was wrong, fat and ugly. I was a 9 year old who thought she was the problem and that the way she looked and acted was the reason for the way she was treated so she tried to change herself. I was an 11 year old who dreamed of jumping off the school rooftop. I was a 13 year old who cut herself everyday to forget her issues. I was a 14 year old with a building addiction to alcohol and constant suicide plans. And now I'm a 15 year old with more addictions than I can count, and what life is worth living when you feel like no one wants you alive? So no, I was probably never happy, not even when I thought I was. No one can really blame my actions now. I was never home, I always felt misplaced and like I didn't belong there. The friends I have were the closest to a home I could get, but I couldn't escape the feeling of being in the wrong place. Just because I laugh, smile and act happy doesn't mean I feel that on the inside. I've kept my act for so long, but my facade is crumbling and my mask falling. I don't fool anyone anymore, not even myself. So this is my final goodbye.

I write the last words on the paper with a sigh, these last words I hope will be the last words I ever write. A tear drop fall onto the paper in front of me, I didn't even realize I was shaking and crying, good thing it will be over soon. I lay the letter beside me. I open my drawer and pull out the bottle of pills I have hid from my parents. I stare at the bottle of pills for a second, it's a weird feeling to be holding the thing you know is gonna be the end of you. I look up to meet my eyes in the reflection of my mirror and I start to acknowledge every detail about my face, my dark blue eyes with a pattern that kind of reminds you of snowflakes, or at least that's what some people have said to me about them. My gaze goes down to my cheeks and nose, pale skin is all I see, I see pale skin and a small birthmark on my right cheek, has that always been there? Maybe I have been too caught up in looking at all my flaws to notice the small dot on my cheek. Finally I look at my lips, light pinkish lips with cracked skin, when was the last time I really used lip balm? Either way soon it won't matter anymore. I look down at the pill bottle one last time before opening it. I have the pill bottle in one hand and the water glass in the other. I hesitate, is this the right thing to do? Maybe I should try to make my therapist understand. But then I remember that I've tried that, and my therapist doesn't do shit to help me, she doesn't care about me and I know that. I take one last breath before pouring the pills into my mouth, god they taste bitter, I did not expect them to taste this bitter, why do they taste so bitter? I can't think about that now. I pour the entire bottle in my mouth before I start shugging the glass of water, making the pills go down my throat into my system. I drop the now empty glass and bottle to the floor due to the sudden headache and dizziness. I can feel how my body screams "Throw it up! This is not good for us! This will kill us!" But I keep it down, because that is exactly what I want it to do, but my body haven't understood that yet, and is trying to force me to throw up by making me gag, but I don't throw it up, because I'm so close to achieving the thing I want the most in life, to end it. My legs give out and I fall to the ground as I feel like the whole world is spinning, I laugh to myself, it's fun to die. It's like being on one of those roller coasters that go round and round and round, the ones that Liz and I used to ride when we were kids. I miss those days, I miss when me and Liz used to do all those fun activities together, but all good things come to an end I guess, I just wish we got to be kids together a bit longer. In all the spinning I hear a ringtone, it's my phone, the soft melody playing through the chaos that is only in my head that I caused myself. The phone is laying beside my head so I can see who is calling, It's Spencer. I guess he read my message. A sudden feeling of guilt washes over me. I feel bad for making him panic over me, but I know that I do this for the best, I think to myself as I take one deep breath and smile, then everything goes black. I didn't hear my mom knock on my door, neither did I hear her open it, nor hear her scream and yell for my dad to call an ambulance.