When We Became Strangers

Letter one

He seemed to be a great liar. 

Well, maybe he didn't lie. Nothing he said was a carefully thought out lie. Did he wait to see if my period came before he broke up with me? He did ask me about it a couple of times. Surprisingly, I didn't see that one coming.

I had a bad feeling the entire way home. I knew something was going to happen but of course, i kept telling myself that it would be okay. That things would be fine and I was just shook up from the fight with James. 

I kept telling myself that no matter what, I was going to be in a good mood and we weren't going to fight, I was going to prove to him that things were getting better. 

I saw his car in the driveway and took a deep breath. I plastered on a smile and released the air in my lungs. I just wanted to hug him. When I walked through the door, the first thing I saw was his face. The solemn look it held. I hugged him and again released the air. He did the same and he held me for a second longer. Little did I know that would be the last time. 

"Sit down, we neeed to talk about something." 

His voice, he was mad. I did something, what did I do?

"Oh, okay." I sat on the couch, slowly. He didn't look at me. He twisted his fingers and looked straight ahead. "Ummm, I'm done."

All at once, everything started to crash around me. My hands started to shake, and my stomach was in my throat. 

"This isn't what he both want, but I think its for the best." 

Tears filled my eyes, I concentrated on my hands.

"Okay." I say. So flat, so broken. What did I do this time? "Why?" I ask, trying to stay calm. I already knew the answer. "Just don't feel the same?"

"Yeah." He doesn't look at me. Only at his hands. For a moment I wish I was that stupid spot on his hands.

"Oh, okay." I repeat and the tears start to fall. I feel like this is a nightmare. Some random night, I've had too much sugar. This is just a nightmare. 

"Here's you house key back." He reaches in his pocket and I am in awe at the movement. So precise, almost calculated. Another heartbeat and he's standing, walking away.

More tears, more releasing the air. I twist my fingers and hold back my sobs.

I count his foot steps and on the fourth one he pauses. I can hear him holding his breath. 

He *hesitated* 

I hold my breath too. We don't want to break the last connection. In that very second, the last of my hope evaporated. In that very second, I knew that I would never see him again. He closes the door and my sobs finally breath loose. I cannot move, I cannot think. I cannot *fathom*.

How could he fake it for that long? How could he act like he wanted to fix everything just to go back and not? Me? Is it because I told him I wanted to work this out? He really wasn't a fucking man and couldn't tell me that he didnt want to do that? Come on.