just random things I write that are too long to post as announcements

[vent]

TW!!! i talk about bad eating habits,wanting to not exist/die,romanticizing bad mental illness,feeling unworthy and a bad coping mechanism ($h). if this stuff triggers you,dont read. if theres any TWs i missed lmk and i will add them up here.

i hate the fact that no mtter how much i say i dont care im always going to think i'm the issue.

im always going to be wondering what i said to upset someone or make them realise that they dont actually like me. i always have and always will think that people are pretending to like me, that they dont want to be freinds its just that ive stuck around them and theyre too polite to get rid of me. im fucking terrified that im going to say or do something thats going to make the 2 little freinds i do have leave me or realise just how fucking pathetic i am. i just feel so mediocre, like im not good enough for anyone and i never will be and eventually everythings going to go wrong again and once again i'll be lay in bed at 12am wondering what the point of my existance is.

people never seem to understand how horrible it is to exist as you sometimes. like i'm always going to be the scruffy ugly girl with no freinds who no one has ever had a crush on who's been betrayed so many times that the moment someone says something my walls come straight up and who's always preparing to snap at someone in case she has to.

i need to have people who like me and support me there but i'm so quick to pull away and become distant as a defence mechanism the moment someone actually likes me enough to talk to me. but no one does. in school i have that many enemies and people who dont like me for some reason or other that i'm running out of options. my school doesnt care about my happiness, sometimes i think my mum gets sick of me talking about it. im just so sick of having to deal with everything that has happened to me and ffs how do you all exist without wanting to d!e all the time.

everything in my past hurts so fucking much and my present is so painfull to deal with day to day and i dont know if i can do it. im not going to let myself relapse because ive been clean for maybe a month now and im rather happy about that track record,but fuck I really dont want to be here. im sick of not being able to be selfish for once and just stop having to deal with the world. i wish i had a coping mechanism that helped me escape instead of hurting because i dont want to feel any more pain. i feel so bad for wishing i would get in a car accident or fall in with the wrong crowd and do something dangerous just to feel alive instead of being a corpse carrying around a half-dead soul. because i want to be a person but im not. i never will be and i dont really think i ever have been.

everyones always had their people, everyone else has walked through their life so far happily, and even when times were tough they had freinds, they had a good life around it and reasons to exist and get through to the other side. there is no other side for me, there was never a good place where it stopped,just windows of light that the curtains were quickly drawn over.

im sick of being mature for my age and wanting so badly to feel like summer and laugh and go out and explore the world when the reality is that it would be so much easier to just be like everyone else in the head and wear the same clothes and not have to st@rve myself in order to feel as comfortable in my skin as they do.
i really want to not have nerdy hyperfixations and just be interested in who likes who and the latest celebs, to not be absoloutely insane at times,to not have to mask every minute of my day and wear long sleeves all the time and keep my hair up because its such a mess and ignore the comments and never talk to anyone and avoid stares and just fucking know when to shut up sometimes.

i feel like my pain isnt enough, like theres so many other people who have been through so much more traumatising things and im over here getting like this about my damage.

im not sick enough for it to be a problem, my past is not heavy enough to explain why i am like this. i'm never going to get help because im not bad enough.

i find myself almost wanting to get worse,to starve myself till i pass out or get caught cvtt!ng or have someone read my vent journal and find out about everything. i want to be completely empty and for people to go "shit something is seriously wrong" when they see me. i fantisize about fainting on the stairs or someone seeing my scars when my sleeves slip up. i want to get worse so that i can be sick enough for people to do something it.

im just sick of being me, in this life with this past and this face and this body and this brain and really want to just be litteraly anyone else.

but no,tomorrow i will go into school, i will smile and answer questions and read my book and shut up. because what choice do i have other than go for it and d!e