why? // seongjoong o.s

why??

for Sylent_atiny, who said hwa could never die and i said "watch me"

TW: suicide attempt

_~* *~_

        hongjoong wakes up, though he really wishes he hadn't. the sky is bright today, with the sun shining as if all was well, and a smattering of clouds skewed across the sky. he groaned, voice hoarse from the constant crying for the past few weeks. he had no idea what to do at this point - what was life without seonghwa?

the others had tried to get him out of bed constantly; wooyoung had even served him breakfast in bed just to try to get a smile to appear on his solemn face, but there was nothing they could really do, nothing, when even they were almost as affected as hongjoong.

today would mark the first month anniversary of seonghwa's death - the only anniversary he'd never want to celebrate. seonghwa had been his everything; he still is and always will be his everything, his love, life, passion and the reason he wakes up each morning.

but mornings without seonghwa were hell. mornings without the reason you wake up were just-

why wake up if there's no seonghwa to wake up to???

_~* *~_

he knew he had to get out of bed at some point. seonghwa wouldn't want him to waste his life away in depression.

when a family member or close friend passes away, everyone just says 'oh, they wouldn't want you to be sad, so you should be happy!' but it's really not that simple. it's like telling someone with asthma to just breathe. it's not easy to come out of the unending, overwhelming state of depression after the death of someone you love so much. love, not loved, because what people don't understand is that yes, you loved them, but you always will- the wishing for their presence will never leave, even if the sense of drowning in sadness does.

and so, hongjoong drags his body out of bed to take the first shower he'd taken since the funeral. why even try to have any idea of proper hygiene if there was no seonghwa? why even try, for anything, if there was no seonghwa to try for? he shakes these thoughts out of his head, knowing that they'll only break this short streak of productivity he's caught.

stepping inside the shower, he lets the warm water run over his cold skin, washing away almost a month's worth of tears. feeling the soft caress of the water, he feels the memories rushing in. they used to shower together; seonghwa and him. nothing dirty, of course, but they'd take turns washing each other and peppering one another with light, loving kisses everywhere. and now he can't take it anymore, sinking down onto his knees on the flood on the shower, crying as the water washes away his tears with a touch as gentle as seonghwa's...

and now he's full-on sobbing, almost overwhelmed with how much he misses seonghwa. everything reminds him of him - anything pretty, anything he loves, anything seonghwa. he doesn't even know if it's ever going to get better; how could it get better if seonghwa wasn't with him?? how could anything be right if his hwa wasn't here, in his arms, kissing him and reminding him constantly how much he loves him?

and now is when he realizes - he'll never hear seonghwa's voice again. seonghwa's beautiful, soft, deep but not too deep, smooth, enchanting voice. he'll never get to hear seonghwa say 'i love you' or anything, really, ever again. he'll just have to live with echoes of seonghwa in his mind and in his memories, but never real.