your hand in mine - pt. ii ☽ michaeng

2.1

She doesn't remember how she gets home. It's not a blur, or fragments, or flashes of memories – Chaeyoung's door, stairs, street, cab. No. She just doesn't remember, because that's not important.

All she remembers is Chaeyoung and her brown eyes full of tears.

Did she break down on her way home? Or was it when she entered her apartment and saw the tree still standing there; wrapping paper still scattered on the floor; Chaeyoung's presence still very much there, in her living room, in that camera and polaroids together?

She laughed when she captured them, just this morning. Chaeyoung laughed, too. Chaeyoung smiled and blushed and left an awed kiss of gratitude on her lips.

Chaeyoung never wants to see her again, and her sheets still smell like them; and Mina's head hurts almost as much as her heart when she climbs into her bed, shoes and all, curling up against Chaeyoung's pillow. Chaeyoung's pillow. She's been spending so much time here that Mina's come to think of so many things as hers. There's her toothbrush in the bathroom, and her towel. Several pairs of fluffy socks and all the undershirts she's forgot to wear in the morning. Mina's old sweatpants, neatly folded on her chair. This pillow and the right side of this bed she's never noticed to be so unnecessary big before.

And her. She's Chaeyoung's, but Chaeyoung doesn't want her anymore. Just like all these things, she's hollow. Meaningless. Void of purpose while still carrying Chaeyoung's mark, her scent and her touch clinging to her skin.

She doesn't get to spend weeks holed up in her bedroom, smelling the sheets and crying her heart out – but God, does she want to, even though it hurts like it never has. When she heard about her dad's accident, maybe. But that pain was different. It's not something she can compare, and she doesn't want to in the first place.

If she closes her eyes and pretends – it's almost as if Chaeyoung's still there.

She dreams of her that night, when she cries herself to sleep. In her dream, there's a knock on her door, and she throws it open because she already knows it's Chaeyoung.

"Mina," Chaeyoung says in her dreams, and she's just as soft as she always is with her. Was. "I found you."

"But I lost you," she replies in a small voice, and Chaeyoung's holding her in her arms again, and there's snow falling outside the window while the blanket keeps them warm in her bed.

"I found myself for you," Chaeyoung tells her between kisses. Gathers her tears with her smiling lips. Mina is safe and wanted and warm.

"Don't leave me. Don't walk away from me. Please, Chaeyoung, don't ever walk away from me."

She doesn't want to wake up. She has to, but she doesn't want to. Not that day, not a day after that; not a week after that, either. Her mom says it'll fade. Mina knows she's waiting for her to get over Chaeyoung, and she doesn't know how to tell her she doesn't want to. She doesn't tell her about the scheme. Can't bring herself to think about it, but can't stop herself from doing just that, either.

Sana is, understandably, pissed. "I'll kick her ass," she promises Mina when she finds her the next day after Chaeyoung broke up with her. "I don't care how rich or scary she is."

She's decidedly less vengeful when Mina tells her everything. "What the fuck were you thinking?" She shakes her head, astonished. "No – what the fuck was BamBam thinking? How did he even… I don't even know what to say," she sighs, running a hand through her hair.

Mina really tries to fight her tears this time. They still come, and Sana sighs again before scooting closer to her and hugging her close. "Hey," she whispers, rocking her back and forth. "It's gonna be okay. Somehow. I don't know. I just have a feeling about you two. It's gonna be okay. Just give it time, alright?"