You should of been with her

The facde created by pain

Trigger warnings - suicide

She was struggling, she felt like she had no one, even though she was surrounded by so many people, she trusted no one. She'd been through betrayal and heartache, trust didn't come easy and when it did come, it was easily broken.

She wanted to trust someone, to have someone to hold her when she was struggling, to have someone who cared for her like she wished. She longed to be held and told everything would be okay, to be held by someone and have her mind and body at ease, to not have to feel the uncomfortable and uncertain feelings she usually felt when someone touched her. She didn't know why she was like this, well she did know, but she pushed everything away, the pain and the people around her. They all hurt her one way or another, they always thought she'd forgotten what they did to her, but she never did. She just never talked about it or acknowledged it anymore, but she unconsciously felt the pain she had been caused, the distancing and pretending everything was okay.

The constant smile on her face had burned it way onto her skin, she couldn't remove it, it was stuck there with no way to undo the facade she had created without completely breaking down. She was exhausted and had lost the will to live, but the unknown future made her stay, it was strange, the feeling of not knowing the future came as a comfort. Not knowing what would happen made her feel at ease, things could be better in the future she always thought. But would everything be okay?

She had her boyfriend, the best person to have ever been in her life, but even he had hurt her, he broke all trust she had left, she knew he never meant to but the damage was already done. She loves him so much and wants to hold him all the time, be with him, create memories and laugh with him but the burden of pain she held was holding her back from the relationship she had always dreamed of. The relationship that was happy and had what her mother and father never had.

She longed to be okay, as she sat on the ledge, wondering if this is really what she wanted, the future was comforting but the present was too much to bare anymore, she tried to tell her boyfriend her thoughts, to tell him what she was planning to do. But no she was "fine" to him, everythign was okay and she didn't want to burden him like that, she didn't want to put that trust in him like she once did, what if she just got hurt again? She couldn't risk it, so she stepped closer to the edge, breathing in the sea, as she faced the moon. The light illuminating her features, ones she had always hated, but her boyfriend adored.

The light breeze came in from the sea, blowing her hair, her nose a hint of red from the breeze, she felt calm, calmer than she should be, she wish it didn't come to this, but she was stuck in her facade that wouldn't shatter, it was held up strong, reinforced by the fears of not wanting to be hurt again. No one could get in and she couldn't get out, she was trapped. Her only escape was falling into freedom. She took another step closer to the edge.

She pulled out her phone and thought about calling her boyfriend, but what would she say? Still with the uncertainty of what to say, she clicked his contact and called him, it rang 3 times before his beautiful voice rang through her ears, she smiled lightly, a weight lifted off her, but that didn't last long before the weight of what she was doing hit her.

His cheerful voice called out her name, she hadn't realised she hadn't said anything yet. With all the courage she had, she called out his name and told him she loves him so much. She told him that she wished she could have been enough to make him happy. With them few words she hung up, turning the phone off completely.

And with a smile on her face, she took her last step before falling in the breeze to her freedom.