Torn

Chapter 1

We had finally finished packing our suitcases. It was the same as every winter. Stressful. All four of us rushing around the house frantically trying to find our things. I hated packing, I never knew what to bring or what I should wear. My best friend Charlie always came over and helped me. She was the best.

"Look, Zara, you can't always be here just waiting for someone to notice you. You have to notice yourself. So I may have pulled a few strings for you this winter." Charlie said. I looked at her confused. "What do you mean?" I said as I raised my eyebrow slightly confused. I looked at her and saw a smirk plastered on her face. She pushed my shoulders down to the edge of my bed. "Just trust me, Zara. Close your eyes" She said. I closed my eyes reluctantly. What was she planning?

"Okay ready... Open" She said. I opened my eyes to see a bag in front of me. A big bag. An IKEA grocery bag. "Uh, it's a bag" I said. "Yeah well no shit, look what's inside of it" She said. I took a breath and opened the bag. I was stunned. My eyes shot back up to meet hers. "Charlie, I can't" I said as I bit my bottom lip. "Oh, but you can. I'm like your fairy godmother, it's my job to make your dreams come true" Charlie said. She handed me the bag. 

It was filled with all this cute winter wear. "How did you know my size?" I asked her. "We have been best friends for 8 years, I think I should know my best friend's size" she said. I rolled my eyes playfully. "Oh one more thing" she said. She pulled out a mini bag. I got you some skincare, and slight makeup. Yeah, yeah, I know you don't like makeup. But it's just some mascara and lip gloss. You have to be looking good for Isaiah" she teased me about it, nudging my arm.

I felt my cheeks heat up from the thought of him. "S-Shut up. I don't like him anymore" I mumbled while looking down. "Uh huh. Okay well keep telling yourself that" She said as she rolled her eyes. "Anyway. Thank me later" she said. She stood up. "Where are you going?" I asked her. "I have a date" she said proudly as she grinned. "Okay Charlie" I said as I smiled at her. She hugged me tight. "Have fun in Utah, Zara. You deserve it" I smiled as I pat her back. "Thanks for everything, Charlie. See you soon" She pulled away from the hug as she smiled and left.

She always had good taste in clothes. I did too, but my mom never wanted to buy me the things I wanted. Her excuses were "not age appropriate" or "when you're older." I was so annoyed by it. But Charlie was my escape. She was my best friend. And the complete opposite of my mom. My mom said it's good to have someone like that in your life. You experience more that way. My mom is a very wise woman. My mom is an author and on top of that she is also a poet. She is a very good one as well if I might add. Charlie's mom was a therapist. My dad. 

Well, my parents divorced some time ago. He is a doctor. He was always busy. My parents still friends, but they don't flirt anymore or anything. I kind of missed it. Whenever I went to my dad's house, there was always a faint smell of coconut. He had a small dog. It was a shitzu. It had white and black fur. When I was younger, me and my older brother Viggo decided to name it Oreo. Because, I mean, it did look like one. It just fit the name.

Every winter, my family and I would spend it at the Smith knight's cabin up in Utah. And every summer we would spend it at our beach house. It was tradition. Ever since we were younger. My mom, Erin, and Jeff. They were married. They were gay and loud and proud. They knew my mom in high school, and they were really close best friends, even. They still were. We all felt like family. It felt normal to see them. Erin and Jeff were kind of like my away from home Charlie's. They would always back me up. Or they would suggest things I would like. And when my mom wouldn't approve of it. I don't know how, but they always convinced her. And my mom only ever caved to them.

It was finally winter. It was a day before winter break. My parents always let us skip school so we could pack and get our rest in for tomorrow's early flight. Every year. They wake us up at 6 am. They had set up "travel packs" for us to use during the flight. It was just a backpack filled with snacks, toys, word searches, books, candy, gum. Something that used to get me and my brother excited. The night before we went, I was always excited. I would stay up until at least 9:30 pm until I fell asleep. But that's because of how excited I used to be about it when I was younger. To see the boys again.

 I continued packing my clothes and the new ones Charlie bought for me. I didn't even bother trying them on because I knew they would fit. I was 5'1 and 96 pounds. Everyone would praise me for being so skinny, but I didn't like it. I had big boobs. And my mom always said she didn't know who I got it from because it clearly wasn't her. People always complimented my body. Saying I "had all the right curves" but it still kind of bothered me. I stuffed away the earmuffs, beanies, etc. that Charlie left for me. 

For once, I wasn't feeling excited to go to Utah. I was feeling nervous...why I had no idea.  Winter and Summer were my favorite seasons. Not because of Christmas or because I got to swim. But because of them. The boys. It felt like I didn't start breathing until I was in Utah or here. It was when things finally became fun, worth it. 

I finally had finished packing. I changed into my pjs. I was wearing red flannel pj pants with a black hoodie. My hair was up in a messy bun. I had my AirPods for listening to music while I was on my bed reading. I wasn't paying attention until I heard someone barge in my room. I looked up from my book just to see my annoying older brother Viggo standing there. I put my bookmark in my book, closing it and putting it next to me.

 I carefully took out my AirPods, placing both in the case. "Ever heard of knocking?" I asked him, annoyed. My brother rolled his eyes as he leaned in my door frame. "Are you done packing because mom told me to grab your bag and put it in the car" My brother said, his tone filled with annoyance. 

"Mhm I am all done" I said as I opened my book again. "Great" my brother said sarcastically before taking my bag and left my room leaving the door open. "Hey, close the door!" I yelled from my room. He ignored me and kept walking down the stairs with my bag. I rolled my eyes as I groaned and got up to close my door. I walked back to my bed and sat on it, continuing to read.

 My brother Viggo. He was the oldest out of all of us. He was 18, but very close to turning 19. He was really annoying. He was 5'11 and had black curly hair. He had 2 tattoos, but they weren't very big. He was really nosy but protective over me when he needs to be. He was in college, but always visited on the breaks. Like I said, it was tradition. Even if he was in college, he always came home. For this. He went to Yale. He was extremely smart, just like my mother.

 He was studying to become a lawyer. And I know what you're thinking. No, my mom didn't force him, he wanted to be a lawyer all his life and he finally was. He pushed himself really hard, and sometimes I felt bad for him. While growing up in our teenage years. He would always isolate himself studying trying to get better. I was just happy that he finally reached his goal, even if he was an annoying asshole. 

 I was 15, and Xavier was too. Isaiah was the second oldest. He was 17 they were twin brothers. But eternal twins. Meaning, they share a birthday and the same age, just not the same face. Isaiah and Xavier SmithKnight. Isaiah being 17 was very "too cool for school" like. He was my biggest crush though when I was younger. He played drums, baseball. Tall, had blonde, fluffy hair that covered almost over his eyes. He was perfect. To me.  They didn't look the same at all, or act the same. But you could see some similarities. It's not like they hated each other or anything. They just weren't alike. I mean, how could they be? Xavier was so sweet, kind, caring, outgoing, friendly, confident, and bold. Isaiah was more closed off, popular, cute, but more stubborn and hard to get.

I had always had a crush on Isaiah. But maybe this year would be different. Maybe things would change. My mom walked in my room. "Hey honey" she said. I looked up at her. "Oh hey mom, what's up?" I asked her. She walked in and sat on the edge of my bed. "You should get some rest, it's late" She said as she rubbed my forehead getting the hair out of my face. "Ugh mom" I groaned trying to pull away from her touch. She laughed as she pulled away. "What happened to my little girl?" She asked me. "She grew up" I said coldly, instantly regretting it. "Something wrong?" She asked me, sounding concerned. 

My face softened. "No mom sorry I just have very low tolerance to no energy right now" I said she nodded as if she understood, but I knew she was still hurt. "Get some rest kiddo" she said as she slowly got up. "Hey mom" I said, she turned around to face me. "I love you" I said. She smiled at me as she kissed my forehead. "Love you to munchkin" she said as she left my room. I decided to listen to my mom. I was tired after all. I closed my book and put my AirPods back in my case. I charged my AirPods and my phone before sighing. I reached my arm over while my body was still in bed, reaching for the switch of my lamp that was on my nightstand. I clicked it off as I laid down and sighed, finally closing my eyes and thinking about what the next day to come would be like.