Piece by Piece

One

CADE POV

"Sorry, man, I'm gonna head out."  I was finally able to flag down my buddy Justin in the loud bar so he knew I was leaving.  The group I was with had been partying for a good hour before I arrived and won't be slowing down anytime soon.

Back in the day I would have been in the thick of it, but that's not the life I want to live anymore. It hasn't been for over a year.

"Ok, cool, bro.  See ya at work, Cade!"  He grinned and raised his beer bottle, already mostly drunk even though it's only 1030 on New Years Eve.

Maybe meeting coworkers at this tavern was a bad idea.

No. Not maybe. Definitely.

I started my walk home as snow fell, the magic of post Christmas excitement still in the air.  Shop windows had trees with battery operated trains surrounding them, lamp posts still held ribbons or wreaths, and even the people in my city seemed more kind.

This time of year has always been my favorite.

The lights, the joy, the time with family... I may be a personal trainer with a busy client list at a fancy gym, but simplicity makes me happy. Sparkling lights in store windows, cheerful songs on the radio, not to mention people around you seem to actually care for once.

Every single day I try to find something worth being thankful for. My life almost ended a few times when I was deep in addiction. Now I can take deep breaths of ice cold air and acknowledge how far I've come.

Can't get much more simple than appreciating how beautiful the city was on a winter evening before a new year begins.

My apartment is in a nice area and affordable, though I have debated finding somewhere else to live outside the busy streets of Wyatt. I've been here for over a year now, since I finished rehab and decided to start fresh.  I left my hometown and college girlfriend behind, knowing the only way I could stay sober was without her influence in arms reach.

My family has always been an amazing resource.  They've shown unconditional support, but watching me slowly lose my life to addiction hurt them more than I will probably ever realize.  Blake, my little sister, was the one that stood up for me the most.  Her voice is still loudest in my head when that itch comes back to haunt me.

I can own the mistakes I made.  One of the biggest was allowing Jocelyn to stay in my life for so long. She was a toxic and manipulative person that never actually loved me.

Love doesn't push you to self-destruct.  It protects.  It cherishes, guides, and supports.  Love also does not abandon or abuse.

After making my way home I changed into sweats and grabbed a soda then crashed on my couch.

I should not have gone tonight. 

Being in a bar around alcohol and friends partying was too much.  Granted, I have kept strong with my sobriety for the last 14 months but it's tougher when I'm in the middle of so much temptation.  I know I can handle it in small doses but a holiday weekend full of people celebrating has been tough to enjoy.

My parents offered the chance to stay home and have a relaxing night, but I decided to test myself with a work party that I now realize was not a good decision.

I grabbed my phone and scrolled Instagram then quickly swiped out after noticing all the photos posted of friends drinking or enjoying their time on a big holiday night.  Another icon caught my eye and I found myself clicking on the dating app Tinder.

May as well.

After double checking my profile and laughing at some of the dumb jokes I made, I started to scan photos and swipe left.  Online dating is something new for me. Jocelyn and I met in college and after the break up I went to rehab then started over in a new city. My sponsor recommended I take at least a year away from relationships to focus on healing.