Inside My Head

Church Friends

I grew up attending Sunday school every week, where I'd meet my childhood friends from church. There were four of us at first: Dane, Sam, Rai, and me. Dane and Sam were very close, while Rai and I were just okay friends. Our parents were active church members, and Rai's grandparents were friends with mine.

When Rai's parents separated and Rai moved away with his father, we were left with just three of us. I always felt like I was the one who had to try hard to be friends with them. I saw them as my best friends, but I wasn't sure if they felt the same about me. That's just some background for you to understand.

Dane was confident and smart, she stood out. Sam was quieter but talented and smart, and when she spoke, she was very detailed. As for me, I'm not sure. Sometimes I'm outgoing, sometimes sensitive, sometimes happy, sometimes sad. It depends on my mood.

I always saw Dane and Sam hanging out after Sunday school, talking, playing piano, and wandering around the campus. I'd follow them, laughing along, but I could tell they had a stronger bond than I did with either of them. They seemed to understand each other without even speaking, while I struggled to keep up. Still, we were friends, just not as close.

Then, after a few years, Dane stopped coming to church. Sam started going home alone, preferring to avoid the sun and stay indoors. One day, I started following her and striking up conversations. At first, she seemed distracted, but over time, we started talking more. I found myself going to her house and chatting about anything and everything.

After a few more years, my Mama passed away, and eventually, I stopped going to church too. I missed my friends, missed going to Sunday school with them.

Four and a half years later, I returned to church, making it a regular thing again. But when I saw Sam, she wasn't the same as before. I greeted her with a smile and asked how she was, but she always seemed rushed, and there was an awkwardness between us, or maybe it was just me feeling that way.

I've been trying to reconnect with her because I really want to be close to them again. Maybe it's because I don't have many permanent friends? I'll talk more about that in the next chapters.

Yesterday was our Church's 37th Anniversary. I felt like an adult as I prepared food for the potluck lunch. My Mama used to do it, but now that she's gone, it's up to me. After the service, we all headed to the kitchen to set out the dishes we brought from home. Before I reached the kitchen, I saw Sam hurrying off. Being impulsive as always, I tried to catch up with her and asked where she was going, but she couldn't answer properly and continued walking fast. I felt embarrassed for getting in her way and not realizing she was rushing to bring something from home for the potluck.

Later that night, I had a dream. I was sitting in the front row, listening to the pastor, and when I looked back, I saw Dane and Sam sitting behind me. When they noticed me looking at them, they smiled. After the sermon, I sat beside them and pleaded with Dane, 'Please don't leave us again.' I cried tears of joy because I'd been waiting for this moment to reunite with them. We hugged, and Sam gave me kisses on the cheek, like an older sister. It felt surreal. We took pictures and played in the rain. When I woke up, I realized how much I missed them and how we could still be close like before. 

But I doubt it will ever happen. We're all older now, leading separate lives. We're all busy. Sam is a professional psychologist, Dane has graduated and travels frequently, Rai is preparing for the board exam to become a licensed teacher, and as for me? I started working at a young age and couldn't continue my studies. While they've both pursued professional careers, I'm stuck in senior high school after taking a break for several years.

Whenever I see them, I always wish we could go back to the way things were when we were friends.

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I feel like I'm stuck in the past while everyone else has moved on. How can I let go when most of my good memories are from that time? Sometimes I try to be alone because only I can understand what's going on in my head and how I feel. I've been scared that my actions might be misunderstood, and there's this little voice inside my head that makes me overthink everything even more.

Even when someone I know passes by without greeting me, or when a friend doesn't tell me something important that she shares with others, I overthink it a lot. I try not to, but it always comes back. 

I have attachment issues and believe people are only temporary in our lives, so I keep my circle small. Eventually, I worry I'll lose them or they'll move on without me.

I'm not good at explaining things verbally, so I prefer to write everything down.