Thoughts

1. Selfish

"There's nothing wrong in doing what is good for you."

It's what they say. It's what they all say to me. That it's okay, if I do what's good for me nobody is going to be mad. They say that they get it, that they would do the same if they were me.

"It's okay, you'll feel better."
"Culpability is just a phase."

Then tell me why the fuck do I always feel like I'm the bad guy? Why do I feel like I have to be the bad guy? I do something that I think will make me feel better, but then I feel worse. I take time to myself and to clear my mind, and my thinking gets worse. My feelings change, and I feel like I'm the one who's wrong. Maybe I am.

Sorry I can't feel the way that you want me to feel? Sorry I can't be the doll you expect me to be?

What are they expecting me to do when they say "just do what makes you happy"? Because if I was truly doing what makes me happy, I wouldn't be there, writing this right now.

I would probably be somewhere where the sun is hitting, far away from school, stress, and everything that comes with it. I would feel peaceful, hot under the sunlight, a smile on my face. My cats would probably be there with the people I truly love. People I truly trust.

But instead, I'm here, deciding on what should be better for myself or for other people, deciding if I should put mine or other's happiness first. Deciding if I want people to love me for my choices, or if I want to be happy and good with my choices.

I hate so much looking at the expression of deception on their faces when I say something that I maybe should've kept for myself. They didn't wanted to hear it, but I needed to say it.

Or when I'm finally taking decisions for myself, I  can see how sad they are that I'm rejecting them, choosing myself over them. I know it's rough to face reality, but can't you just understand one minute? Stop being the earth-center and can you notice that I'm falling apart because of the choices I have to make? The choices you're forcing me to make?

Can't you see that I'm not okay with everything right now and that I just need someone to hug me for a long five minutes, telling me that it's going to be okay, not someone to yell back on my decisions?

And I can't stand it. I can't stand how sad they look, not leaving my eyes of theirs. Looking at me enough time to let the pain get all over my stomach, make my hands wet, and my feet hard to stand on. Just enough time for me to regret everything. Everything I said or thought before.

Do they want me to feel bad? Are they taking pleasure by seeing how easily I get affected by others people's emotions? By others people's reactions? By others people's feelings?

When my throat is dry and I just wanna go back on my talking. I just want to erase what I said because now they're feeling bad about it. Because of what I said, they're sad. They're sad because I didn't said what they wanted me to say. They're upset because of me.

I did it for me, I'm selfish. I decided to let go of you because you were holding me back. Because I wasn't happy. I should've thought about the effect it's going to have on him.

But... I did. I imagined every possibilities of what could've happen in that specific moment. In all these scenarios, he would've just smiled, and tell me that he understands. That it's good that I finally did something for myself.

That it's good that now I can feel great. My stomach will stop hurting every time I lock eyes with him or every time I'll just think back on what I feel. Every time I will have to lie another time. To him or to myself. Even every time I think about him or just get close to him. Letting him lay his hands on me or telling me that he loves me.

But he didn't just smiled. He was disappointed. I know he didn't wanted it, I know it's not what he expected from me. They all were, disappointed, actually. I am even disappointed of myself.

I'm sorry I couldn't be enough for you, I didn't showed you what you truly deserved. I didn't gave you the love that you should get or the attention you should be given. I know you expected more from me. I excepted more from myself too.

I wasn't enough. I failed at that and you're the one who has to be sad for it. I'm sorry. I failed at being the one for you.

Maybe they should stop excepting so much from me. Maybe then, they'll stop being disappointed every time I talk about how I feel or every time I have to make a decision. Maybe they should stop thinking I can actually satisfy them and just jump to the fact that I'm the one who will say stupid stuff. I'm the one who will smile and let you talk about your problems.

I really wish I could be the person to put smile on the people I love faces, but I'm not. Instead, I can't find the words to make them feel better, I can't be loving enough for them to believe that I really love them.

Everything I have in hands, I fail at it. I break it.
When I have something good, I have to destroy it. Every person I say "I love you" to, ends up thinking I was lying. They end up hurt because of me. I always hurt them.

I just disappoint them. It's the only thing I can afford.

I wish I wouldn't, disappoint you. I wish you could feel love by me and my words. I wish I could actually be the one to give you this love. I really want to.

But I can't. I'm not made for it. I'm not made for you.

:)

If you know me, pretend you don't and erase all this from your memory... and if you don't know me, you must be pretty confused. But I gave a warning, this is very messy- like my head.