the heart i know i'm breaking (is my own)

1

We gather here
We line up weeping in the sunlit room

No one seemed to be able to speak, but they all heard it. Some hadn't even felt it so acutely before, yet they recognized it like an old, faceless friend. They could see it too — etched deep in a young man's eyes; written all over a weeping mother's face; in the quiver of the hands of people as they brought them to their mouths to stifle their cries; in trembling lips and wet cheeks of thunderstruck friends.

Grief.

And if I'm on fire
Then you'll be made of ashes too

Everybody spoke. Some with words, some with memories and one with severe, excruciating silence.

Everybody remembered. Some with question, some with love, and one with deep, deep conflict.

Everybody felt it. A world was burning down - some were the bystanders, some were the flames.

One was the ashes left.

Even on my worse day
Did I deserve babe
All the hell you gave me

Duty. Love.

Conflict.

Watching them weep, watching them whisper, watching them wonder - I remained tucked away in a corner of my own. Out of all my tangled emotions, I could only seem to discern two: one of deep sorrow, stemming from theirs - a bond of melancholic love threading all of our souls together.

And one of searing, hot, bitter rage.

Damn them. What did they know about loss? What did they know about grief? What did they know about the betrayal of being left, abandoned? What did they know about losing the one you loved the most to a battle they could never win?

Damn him.

'Cause I loved you

My eyes follow him, aloof and brooding - so much like the first time we met. Respectful in his quiet; doubtful in his silence. I want to march up to him, to grab him by the shoulder and scream at him, at them, at no one and everyone and anyone.

They always used to call us opposites.

And we always used to quip back that opposites attract.

(Until we didn't.)

I swear I loved you

After everything, he'd left. And both of us knew fully well that nothing, nothing would ever justify it.

Then why didn't I hate him?

He wrecked himself, he wrecked me, he wrecked us and goddammit, because after everything I still could scream an 'I love you' to him and it wouldn't be a lie. I love you even after you put me through hell. I love you even though you were a traitor, deluded with your sense of duty towards the wrong person. I love you even when I said I hated you and you said it back and we both knew we were lying. I love you even if I can't use present tense for myself anymore.

Until my dying day..

I love you even as I died.

Author's Note: hello! this is my first fic on wattpad, so please excuse the length. i hope you enjoy <3

(PS: i desperately do not know what i'm doing, but i'll try to finish this as soon as i can.)