ADDICTION • 𝐲𝐚𝐧𝐝𝐞𝐫𝐞 𝐱 𝐦𝐚𝐥𝐞 𝐫𝐞𝐚𝐝𝐞𝐫

𝐒𝐈𝐗

this chapter a little off but comment for motivation

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"YOU ARE NOT SPEAKING TO ME?"

Y/n paused, turning back around from his swift stride back to his room. His hand rested on the doorknob of the room. Inhale, exhale. He focused on those two actions itself, trying to ignore what had just happened. Pavel—or whatever his name was—was dead. Murdered, slaughtered all because of a stupid game of Russian Roulette.

In fact, it was hard to scrounge for words buried below the bile of his throat. His words came off cracked, forced: "you could have died."

Yes, Andrei could have died. But wouldn't that be better to Y/n, in a way? It meant that his debt could be resolved, it meant he no longer had to bear witness to such atrocities that appeared in daylight—

Y/n's head throbbed.

"But I didn't."

"Obviously," Y/n muttered under his breath, before he closed his eyes, feeling his muscles within his eye tighten, "you didn't die. You are still alive and breathing. You won the game. You managed to kill off Pavel like he was nothing."

"Why so annoyed, Moy Sladkiy?" Andrei's voice was lilting, mirthful. It was light, teasing—a tone much too playful considering the events that had just unfolded.

Take it seriously, Y/n thought to himself, please. Just...

"I'm not annoyed."

Because truthfully, Y/n didn't know what he was feeling. He was pissed in some way, yes. But the anger was misplaced. He was angry at himself, at his father, at Pavel, at everyone here—at Andrei. And yet the Tsar had done nothing to offend him. Andrei was—helping him, was he not? Helping him with the debt that his father had left behind, though it was his fault...?

"Huh." Andrei paused. "You are a terrible liar. Why are you angry?"

Must I explain to you? Do you really not know the line between good and evil? Has no one ever taught you that, or has this been the path that you have walked on since young?

"I don't have a right to be angry at you," Y/n said slowly, "I don't. Because I am not going to condemn you for what you did—your killing—and neither will I protest," he breathed shakily, "this is your job. What you do. And I might not necessarily agree with it, but I am not angry. You have done nothing to me. You have not harmed me."

Andrei softened. "Y/n—"

"You have not just not harmed me. From the start, you have called me with terms of endearments. You have referred to countless memories that are not present in my mind. I know nothing, but you know everything. Don't you think—" Y/n finally turned to look at Andrei desperately, "don't you think it would have been easier to just forget me? Would it not—not be more convenient? No one stays the same. I am—I might not be the same person that you have fallen in love with."