Heavy Meddle

"The Loud House" Heavy Meddle

Lincoln: [to someone off-screen] "Really?"
[The other kids laugh at and take photos of his expense; after class; Lincoln gets out of his desk, but the same kid tied his shoelaces together and he trips and falls.]
Lincoln: [sarcastically] "Oh, real original!"
[The other kids laugh and photograph this, too; at lunch, Lincoln sits down in his favorite lunch seat only to make a fart noise and find that he sat on a whoopee cushion.]
Lincoln: [sarcastically] "That's real mature!"
[The other kids laugh and photograph again; the bell rings and he checks his locker only for a pile of garbage to fall onto him; the kids do what they did before again.]
Lincoln: [opens up a door from the trash; not taking it anymore.] "All right! That's it!"

[Lincoln and Clyde are walking home from school.]
Clyde: "So, you really confronted that bully?"
Lincoln: "That's right. I said to meet me at 3:30 in front of my house, and we're gonna settle this."
Clyde: [worried for his friend] "Whoa! You're gonna fight?!"
Lincoln: "I'm not an animal, Clyde. I'm going to deliver a strongly worded speech...as soon as I write it."
Clyde: [noticing something] "Looks like that bully left you a note of their own."
Lincoln: "Huh?" [sees a sticky note on his head, pulls it off, and reads it.] "Lame-O."
[There's also a piece of gum in Lincoln's hair.]
Clyde: [sniffs the gum] "Ooh! Watermelon lime!"
Lincoln: "Better not let my sisters see this, 'cause then they'll want to get involved and make things worse, the way they always do."
Clyde: "I don't know. Maybe they'd be helpful. Your sister Lori gives great advice. She told me to never be myself. I love that woman." [looks lovesick]
Lincoln: "Aw, Clyde. Sweet, innocent Clyde.[to the viewers] He has no idea what it's like to have ten meddling sisters."
[Flashback to what looks like Lincoln being sick; Lori puts a thermometer in his mouth and checks his temperature; Lisa comes in with an X-Ray machine and takes his X-rays, leaving him with glowing radiation; Luan dressed as a doctor with a clown nose and Luna bandage him up real tight; Lincoln muffles and Luan removes the bandages covering his mouth so he can breathe.]
Lincoln: "Phew."
Leni: [carrying a bowl of piping hot soup] "Here comes the airplane!" [spills it all over Lincoln's crotch] "Oopsie."
Lincoln: [agonized] "Aahh! It burns!"
[Leni walks off screen embarrassed. Luna and Luan bandage up his crotch; end flashback.]
Lincoln: [holding up a finger with a bandage wrapped around it; to the viewers.] "And that was just a paper cut!"
Clyde: "Well, then, you'd better get that gum out. You wanna look intimidating for that bully."
Lincoln: "I was born intimidating." [tries to pull it out, but it's too grody to touch for him.] "Ew, ew! Gross!"
Clyde: "You know, peanut butter will get that gum out."
Lincoln: "Should I use chunky or smooth?"
Clyde: "Well, if you use chunky, you're gonna have to use smooth to get the chunks out."
Lincoln: "Good point. Thanks, pal."

[Lincoln goes into his house and looks around to see if any of his sisters are lurking; the coast is clear and he steps in and puts his backpack on the floor; just then, a news broadcast weather board appears next to him with his face in the sun.]
LHN 6 LIVE
WEATHER REPORT: CLEAR SKIES
LINGERING BUTT-INS
KEEP UMBRELLA HANDY
Lincoln: "The National Weather Service reports clear skies with only a 20% chance of meddling sisters. But we advise keeping your umbrella handy."
[Lily is playing with some of her toys and notices Lincoln coming in.]
Lincoln: "Shh..." [steps on a squeaky toy and lifts his foot up with some squeaking aftershocks from said toy.]
Lily: "Shh..."
Lincoln: "Shh..." [sneaks off]
Lori: [from the other room] "Hold it right there!"
[Lincoln thinks Lori has spotted him, but she's really talking to a friend of hers on her phone.]
Lori: "He wore cargo shorts on your date? That is literally the worst thing I have ever heard."
Lincoln: "Phew." [sneaks into the kitchen and gets to the fridge and looks for the peanut butter.] "Peanut butter, peanut butter...where's the peanut butter?"
[Luna comes in humming a tune and Lincoln hides the gum by sticking his head in one of the crisper drawers.]
Luna: "Hey, bro."
Lincoln: "Oh, hey, Luna. What's the haps?"
Luna: [seeing Lincoln's position] "Rad way to chill out, bro."
Lincoln: "Right. Totally rad."
Luna: "Hey, hook me up with some pudding."
Lincoln: [feels around for a pudding cup and touches a piece of broccoli.] "Gross!" [shakes the broccoli texture off his hand, finds a pudding cup and hands it to Luna.]
Luna: "Thanks. Stay cool." [leaves]
[Lincoln gets his head out of the crisper drawer with a head of cabbage on the gum and shakes it off; he finds the peanut butter jar.]
Lincoln: "Peanut butter!" [opens the jar and discovers that it's empty; frustrated.] "Ah! Why do people put empty jars back in the fridge?!" [puts it back in despite what he just ranted about] "I need a Plan B."
Lori: [still on the phone] "Socks and sandals? Cut it out!"
Lincoln: ""Cut it out." That's it!" [sneaks past Lori]
Lori: "Now that is literally the worst thing I have ever heard."
[Lincoln sneaks into his parents' room and grabs a pair of scissors to cut the gum out with; as he makes his way to the staircase, Luan is coming down and Lincoln sticks the gum to the wall to hide it.]
Lincoln: "Hey, Luan."
Luan: "Hey, Lincoln. What do you think of this joke? "If I were you, I'd go for the baboon!""
Lincoln: [puzzled] "I don't get it."
Luan: "Oh. Well, that's just the punchline. I still gotta think of the setup." [walks away]
[Lincoln heads up the stairs and makes it to the door to his room, but his mother calls him.]
Rita: [off-screen] "Lincoln, honey! I need you to take out the trash!"
Lincoln: "Okay, Mom! Five minutes!"
Rita: "Not five minutes! Now!"
Lincoln: "I will! Just give me three minutes!"
Lynn Sr.: "Lincoln, listen to your mother!"
[Lincoln groans in frustration, sneaks around to avoid his sisters, and takes the trash out; Leni is coming and he puts the trash lid on the gum to hide it.]
Leni: "Hey, Lincoln. Is my desk lamp in there? I can't find it anywhere."
Lincoln: "Nope. Have you tried looking on your desk?"
Leni: "So smart!" [sees the lid on Lincoln's head] "What's up with that hat?"
Lincoln: "Oh, this?" [striking a few poses] "These are all the rage right now. I'm surprised you didn't know."
Leni: [inspired] "Hmm..."
[Lincoln sneaks back to the door to his room.]
Lincoln: "Phew." [gets ready to open the door, but Lisa catches him.]
Lisa: "Greetings, human. There's Liquidambar Styraciflua in your follicular area."
Lincoln: "A what in my who now?"
Lisa: "You've got gum in your hair."
Lincoln: "Oh, yes. I'm sure it's just-"
Lisa: "I assume that being of average intelligence, you didn't place it there yourself. Therefore, I can only deduce that someone has been picking on you."
Lincoln: [begging his genius sister] "Lisa, please! You can't tell! I don't want everyone getting involved."
Lisa: "Don't worry. I do not have enough room in my brain for this kind of tomfoolery." [walks away]
Lincoln: "Phew." [enters his room]