Felix's life was anything but vibrant-cursed, he'd argue. To him, it was nothing short of horrendous, marked by relationships rife with daily disrespect and parents who prioritized alcohol above all else. As Felix's mental health reached a breaking...
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In the days following our encounter, I found myself deliberately avoiding Hyunjin. His question had taken me by surprise, stirring feelings and thoughts I was unprepared to confront. It wasn't a matter of not wanting to see him in a certain light; rather, I felt unworthy of anyone's affection or companionship. I believed I needed solitude to prevent causing harm to those around me amidst the chaos of my internal struggles. The guilt of leaving him alone in the café weighed heavily on me, a hasty decision driven by a sudden surge of panic.
I didn't believe I deserved his kindness, his patience, or his smile. To me, I was beyond redemption—damaged goods. The thought of someone genuinely wanting to be with me seemed unfathomable. I was caught in a vicious cycle of self-destruction, my medications long forgotten, as I used my neglect as a form of punishment to reinforce the belief that I was undeserving of love or happiness.
Tears streaked my face as I attempted to calm my erratic breathing and manage the anxiety that held me in its tight grasp. Wrapped in a blanket, I hugged my legs close, rocking gently in an attempt to soothe myself. In my mind, I was unworthy of love, undeserving of the affection or friendship offered to me.
This isolation, this determination to distance myself from anyone who might care, was driven by a deep-seated fear of causing more pain—both to myself and to others. Yet, in pushing people away, I was denying myself the possibility of healing through connection.
As I sat there, lost in my cycle of self-doubt and despair, a soft knock at the door jarred me from my thoughts. Reluctantly, I pulled the blanket tighter around me, not ready to face anyone, least of all Hyunjin, whom I'd been avoiding. The knock persisted, gentle yet insistent. With a heavy sigh, I mustered the courage to answer, my heart pounding with anxiety.
Opening the door, I found Hyunjin standing there, his expression a mix of concern and determination. "Can I come in?" he asked softly, his eyes searching mine for permission.
I hesitated, torn between the desire to hide and the faint glimmer of hope that maybe, just maybe, I didn't have to face everything alone. "Okay," I whispered, stepping aside to let him in.
As he entered, the warmth of his presence seemed to fill the cold, empty spaces of my room—and, momentarily, my heart. He didn't say anything at first, simply taking a seat beside me, offering silent support.
After a moment, he spoke, his voice gentle, "You've been avoiding me. Did I...did I do something wrong?"
I shook my head, struggling to find the words to explain the maellestrom of emotions within me. "No, it's not you. It's...it's me. I'm a mess, Hyunjin. I don't want to drag you into my chaos," I confessed, my voice barely above a whisper.
Hyunjin's frown deepened, his concern visible even as I tried to shield my face from his gaze. The mattress shifted under his weight as he moved closer, his presence a silent testament to his refusal to simply walk away.
