do you know how to bend? | b.e.

one

tw : mentions of drugs, loneliness, homophobia, family issues, depression and drinking

reading at your own risk,
i won't pay for your therapy.

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~ livy. ~
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no matter what everyone says, the first week of summer will always be depressing. every year you expect it to be amazing, full of drinking, tanning and hanging out with friends and always it turns out to be the exact opposite, - laying in your bed and eating porridge for every meal.

and yes, that's what i've been doing for the whole first week of summer break. i haven't left the house even once. i've just layed in bed, watched some youtube and wore the same clothes every day, while my older sister lives her 'best life'.

for violet (that older sister), that means doing all kinda drugs you can find and drinking until you don't remember your own name. and happily, she has a big friend group to do that with, so i don't really see her home and most of the time i have no idea where she is spending the night.

last week she told me that someone new called billie, who is apparently very funny and amazing because i had to listen violet talk about her for almost an hour, joined their group and now is violets best friend. after one week.

that girl must be very, very amazing since violet told me she'd even bring her here today, and she hasn't brought any friends home since she was like, 12.

but i don't really care about that or violets friends anyway, because they're all out of their minds (drugs really make you stupid) and sometimes can't even talk normally. so every time i see them or violet talks about them, i just let myself go on autopilot and nod my head every two minutes to look like i'm interested and focusing.

right now i'm in the middle on one of those conversations, - violet is telling me about that billie while i'm just trying to eat breakfast in peace. viv sounds like she's drunk already, at 9am on a monday morning, so if i wanna stay alive, i just better let her speak.

"and you know, she is so cool! i think you would like her too. maybe you could be friends. but nothing more, promise me! oh my god now you'll flirt with her.."

"honey, i won't fall in love with your friend. no worries." i tell viv as gently as i can. after i came out to her last year, she's been very.. hard. she thinks it's weird and that i fall in love with every woman infront of me.

"you just haven't seen her yet. i bet you'll be soaked then, so be careful to not ruin my friendship." viv snaps at me, clearly upset and walks away from the kitchen.

i raise my eyebrows for her childish behavior and continue eating my morning porridge, - today i'll eat porridge probably for lunch, dinner and also as a snack. so fun!

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"livy! come see billie!" violets drunk voice calls from downstairs. it's currently something between 2 and 5 in the afternoon, and once again, i've been just laying in bed all day.

i have no interest in meeting that billie so i just stay in my comfortable position and try to keep my eyes closed, - it's easier to fall asleep that way.

doing nothing really makes me tired, so i just squeeze my eyes shut and focus on the rapmusic playing in my airpods.

for me, this type of music is relaxing and gives me a safe feeling. i don't really know why, but i guess that i like it because the songs are never quiet. there are no breaks between the lyrics, - something i can focus on is always happening and i never have to be alone with my thoughts.