Day in the life ✋️☺️

Acient China 🌋💥💥

DISCLAIMERRR
Dead ass this is dog dookie!! This slowly gets more and more unhinged. (Also has a contribute to Dave Grohl and Foo Fighters)

My name is Zuek Tei. I am a philosopher in Ancient China, and I invite you to walk through a day in my life.

I wake up at sunrise, take a deep breath, then get up for the day. Looking to my right, I see a portrait of my late wife, my dear Xiosoun Tei. She died after being mauled by a bear in the forest during her weekly herb collecting. It was unfortunate to see, as I couldn't comprehend what was happening until it was too late. Until I saw she was gone. Mourning my wife has been difficult to get through every waking morning as it only happened four weeks ago. Our seventeen children are not taking it the best either. But I am reminded of why I get up in the mornings. Work. Welcome to the official, start of my day. 

I told my new wife (as of 3 weeks ago) to make the children breakfast since they haven’t eaten or bathed in fifteen days. It is very stinky in our household. I get dressed and ready for work and leave the house. I plan to divorce my wife because she has not fed or bathed our children in fifteen days since the hot spring is covered in frog eggs and duckweed. Walking to work I am relieved the hot spring is no longer polluted with frog eggs and duckweed because of the power of the winds. Entering a temple, I walk up to a statue of Buddha. Then I walk out. And continue walking to work. I'm thinking. and thinking. And thinking! Did I mention I want to divorce my wife? She hasn't bathed in five weeks and I've only known her for four! Yuck! Coincidence? I think not. 

Arriving at my designated work building, my employer very ‘politely’ informs me of being eighteen minutes late. How about he walks a mile in these shoes? Wait, did I mention my boss, whose name is Dave Grohl, who also lost both feet after tripping? People these days, am I right? Why cut off one foot after tripping when you can cut off both?! Two for one deal I guess. Speaking to my employer, I challenged him to a game of Weiqi. I expect to win because I am better. Obviously. 

The most recent person to challenge Dave to a game of Weiqi got assassinated after losing. So let's find out what happens if he loses this game! Fun right?

Dave gets out the weiqi board (also called go) and sets it down on a table. 

“Which color do you prefer? Black or white?” Dave, my opponent asks. I simply respond with the better option of course. 

“Black.”

“Okay.” Dave says back in a wheezy, yet taut tone. He probably thinks I'm going to lose, which is, uh. Obviously not what is gonna happen.

“Yeah.” That is all I say back because who responds with a full sentence after that? Not me. 

After the whole board is set up I start to get bored. But guess what? It is finally time to play on the nineteen by nineteen weiqi board.

I make my first move near the bottom right, trying to take as much territorial space as possible on this gridded board. Dave places a stone next to mine, trying to make enough moves to capture it. 

Two hours and thirty-one minutes go by, and a small crowd is formed around our table. Everyone is observing quietly, with some people getting bored out of their minds, and part of the crowd leaves. But, as soon as some leave more walk up and look at the intense match. Three more hours pass by very slowly... 

The crowd got larger.

The stakes are higher.

Not a word is said.

Four hours pass by. Very. Very. Slowly. The feeling of the room is tense since both opponents are running out of stones. I started with one hundred eighty-one stones. Dave started with one hundred eighty. I started with one more because I placed a stone first. Obviously!!!!

I have three stones left. 

Dave has four. 

Dave places a stone. 

I place a stone.

I corner, then surround and collect six of Dave's stones. 

Thirty-five minutes of Dave just sitting there doing nothing flies by. Dave places a stone. Dave has three stones left. I have two stones left. 

I place a stone then, almost immediately, Dave puts down one of his stones. I slowly put down my last piece. My opp slams down the last stone. 

Oh. I lost. 

Ten hours and six minutes for nothing. I shake his hand and we both stand up. WAIT A MINUTE HOW IS HE STANDING?

OH MY GOODNESS GRACIOUS IT'S UNFORTUNATELY A MIRACLE! Oh my goodness gracious he just ordered people to execute me tomorrow. Now I might as well get some things out of the way. Divorce my wife, quit my job, pray I can get a rematch, and hope for the best. I walk out of the building and go home. Walking in, it smells better than earlier, which was stinky. My kids who aren't ill are running around the house, and the ill ones are eating. Wife whom I forgot the name of walks up to me. “Welcome home Aang!” She is loud (大聲). And what did she just say? “Who's Aang?” I question her. 

“Oh, sorry!” My wife's reply did not indeed answer my question. So I asked again of course.

“Who is Aang? You didn't answer me.” 

She took a minute to respond, and when she did woman really said this: “I don't know. You tell me.”

So I did what any logical person would do and I barked back with this. “I want a divorce and I get assassinated tomorrow. You can keep the ill children which is about twelve of them. And actually, just keep all of them. Take the house and whatever. I got nothing to live for!”

After that debrief she broke down crying and then admitted she was cheating on me. Like, bye woman. I ran out the front door but tripped. Who trips? Me. Of course, I fall now that I have ridiculed some who lost both their feet from tripping even though it was such a horrid and ‘bad’ injury that they had to make him an amputee. ANYWAYS. I sleep outside in a bush for the night. 

I woke up in a bush after last night. Walking to the spot I'm going to meet my fate. 

Going up a really long flight of stairs I see Dave Grohl. I stand in the middle of a room with severely large open windows surrounded by Dave Grohl, and his minions. He asks me: “What have we done with innocence?” As if I'm supposed to know. So I just guessed. “Uhhh. It disappeared with time didn't make much sense.” His and my words sound familiar. “Adolescent resident.” What is this man talking about? Let me guess, next thing he says is gonna be something about revenge? “Wasting another night on planning my revenge.” OH. Wait whatttt. “One in ten?” I ask cause I'm curious. “One in ten,” Dave responds. “One in ten????” I ask again. Something's off. “One in ten! Don't wanna be your monkey wrench.” monkey wrench? I wonder if this homosapien is a product consumer of sturdy. “One more indecent accident?” I inquire. “I'd rather leave 5 suffer this.” Dave explained. 

“I'll never be your monkey wrench!” I snapped at him. Well guess how that went. “All this time to make amends.” He quaked out that response quick. “What do you do when all your enemies are friends?” I was belting words out. I don't want to leave this world yet. “Now and then, I'll try to bend. Any last words?” Dave barked out. “Yes, Under pressure, wind up snapping in the end. One in ten. one in ten.. one. in. ten. Don't want to be your monkey wrench.” Dave approached me with a sword. I knelt down and some of the last words I heard from him were “One more indecent resident.” I felt the sword stab through my body. Then out it went and my head got chopped off. 

My soul started ascending into the skies to Monkey Wrench by Foo Fighters. 

And that was the end of my one thousand four hundred & twenty-five word long story.