my testimony

TRIGGER WARNING: mentions of; depression, suicide, parental abuse

i think my depression began when i started going highschool.

pretty loaded statement, i know, but this is my testimony of what God saved me from.

my friend group from primary school had split up. most of the group went to a different high school than the one me and my childhood best friend did. it was a change i wasn't ready for; i was so familiar with teachers and other students and classmates. everyone knew me and i knew them in such a small community school. my friend group was one we'd forged together with love and kindness as our base.

there was nothing i could have done to prepare for it.

even though my childhood mate and i went the same highschool, him and i were in separate classes, seperate sets, only able to see each other at lunch so it was natural for us to pull apart. but the jokes about the two of us being a couple ( that naturally start being fired when you're 11/12 ) speeded up the process. or rather i took it apon my self to distance myself from him - for what i thought was his own good.

( spoiler: it wasn't good for either of us. )

on the home side of things, it wasn't going great either; my parents fighting with the home office, sibling rivalry, sibling comparison, physical punishments, verbal berating, being the eldest daughter while also being compared to the golden child. it wasn't the best environment a childhood could have.

it sprouted a lot of issues with my self-belief, many that i've had to currently journey with God to dissect, unlearn and let go. for example, the belief that since i was a "Bad Daughter" to my parents ( as i never seemed to reach their expectations of me ) that i was automatically a "Bad Daughter" in God's eyes. But that wasn't true, not when His only expectation of me was to let Him be my Father and accept the love He has for me.

i think lockdown was the catalyst that
made it go from high functioning depression to something i could no longer ignore. i was stuck in the house 24/7, there was no more escape of school, no academic validation, no friendly faces, it felt like i was in trouble everyday for existing.

i really felt like i shouldn't exist.

suicidal ideation seemed to be the new norm in my mind. going to sleep crying my eyes out was a new bedtime routine. i had no one. i was no one.

the thought of how easy i could make it all end played in my mind like a broken record, the only thing stopping me was the knowledge that this body i was in isn't mine.

it was just something i'd knew from a young age; like the sky was blue, like the grass was green. the vessel i was living in was God's, it was His temple. i'd always had this feeling that i didn't have a right to ruin it on purpose.

but still, i didn't think i'd make it to my 15th birthday. and when that came around i didn't think i'd make it to my 16th.

but then crossover of 2021 into 2022 came around and i met the Holy Spirit for the first time personally. my parents had taken us to church down in london as usual and i didn't think anything off it. the prophet hadn't arrived yet so the music team were preparing the atmosphere for the Holy Spirit to abide in- and that's when i felt Him.

years on from the moment and i still don't have any words i can use to describe it. it was like something heavy but light weighing on you but filling you up. for the first time in a long time i felt free. like i could live. like i was meant to be on this earth. that i wasn't meant to die yet.

i cried happy tears as i sang in tounges. my body moved to a beat in a way that seemed instinctual. as if the angels in heaven had taught me the moves. it was like it was just me and God in that moment.

it was like nothing i've ever experienced. i can only say its like being filled with light and a peace beyond understanding takes over. true Shalom.

the songs that were sang that day by the music team were ones in a nigerian dialect that i still don't know. but it was if i did, as if the language barrier did nothing to stop the worship.

when the praise and worship segment came to an end, my deliverance hadn't.

i noticed instantly as the church moved into Bible reading once the prophet had arrived that the heavy feeling ( that i now know was the spirit of depression ) was no longer on me anymore. i was no longer trapped by it. no longer a captive of it.

God had set me free.

after church, my parents waited so they could have counsel with the phrophet in his office. when we entered our eyes met first.

he was smiling and he asked, "how do you feel?"

for a moment i was shocked. i hadn't told anyone about what i was going through. i'd kept it to myself and had planned to take it to my grave. but i just knew that he knew what i'd been going through and how i was now free from it.

and in that moment, i realised God is more powerful than i could ever have thought. He's capable of revealing things to those He chooses.

regardless, i smiled back at the time, and said, "good."

i struggled to put my feelings into words but "good" did sum it up.

my God is good.

i've wanted to have my testimony published here for a while, i know God wanted me to write it ages ago ( months 😭 ) but due to procrastination it's taken longer. i wanted it to be perfectly written but that perfect piece doesn't exist. i'd continue to criticise it and that wasn't the purpose of me writing this. i just want anyone who's been in my situation to know that you're here for a reason, that there is a purpose for your life because my God doesn't make mistakes.

since delivering me, He's shown me my purpose, helped me with the paths to take, He's been my Heavenly Father, teaching me how to be a daughter.

and i didn't do a thing except have my heart open to Him, to have accepted His son as my saviour. to believe that Jesus truly died for me. that i wasn't too far gone to be saved/healed/loved.

and neither are you <3

Psalm 16:11 ESV
You make known to me the path of life; in your presence there is fullness of joy; at your right hand are pleasures forevermore.