July 02, 2015
Dear you,
It was June 26th when I visited my bestfriend Quinn who's been suffering from a stage 4 lung cancer in the hospital with flowers which I brought from a nearby flower shop. I noticed doctor and nurses running inside her unit giving a queasy vibe outside with Quinn's parents. I was feeling understandably antsy to ask her Mr. and Mrs. Argon what was happening but I stayed still gripping the flowers' stems tightly while waiting.
A doctor came out and talked with my bestfriend's parents. Later that, nurses came out of her room too one by one. I faced Quinn's mother but she only gave an ambiguous smile and patted my back. That was an obscure answer to my confused state. Her mother smiled, does that mean my bestfriend was doing fine? Or not? My thoughts were destroying me so I tried not to think but the silence was a killer too.
I followed Mr. and Mrs. Argon inside and saw Quinn's flat heartbeat on a monitor. My grip on the flowers loosened and tears streamed down on my face. I was crestfallen.
I was crying hysterically at my beatfriend's sudden loss but then I noticed that it was only me. I remembered asking Quinn one time if she fears death and she answered, "I'm not afraid of death. I'm afraid of the idea of having no one to cry on my grave." "But I'll cry," I said. "Then there's no need for me to be afraid," she answered with a reassuring smile. I think I'm getting her point now. If my heartbeat stops, will someone cry for me too?
The idea haunts me. I tried asking my parents and I got a slap for an answer. I guess, they didn't care at all. They're only good a fighting. Yesterday, I heard them swearing furiously before my dad left our house. He's still not coming back and my mom didn't care at all.
My adviser asked me this morning about my bruised cheek and I told her a lie. I said I slipped myself with my face first to land. She just shrugged at my answer like she didn't care at all.
I was a about to head home earlier when I found Nick, the guy whom I secretly love for 7 years, making out with some strange girl. I froze at what I saw. We even made an eye contact but he didn't stop from what he was doing. I felt a pang throbbed on my chest and tears are just uncontrollable from falling. I broke my heart loving him and he didn't gave a damn. Why would he if he didn't care at all?
I'm all alone now after my bestfriend died. I just want someone to ask me 'what is wrong?' even thought it's hard to answer when nothing feels right. I want someone to be afraid of losing me. I want someone to save me from all these darkness. Some people are not just afraid of the dark, they're afraid of what is in the dark. What should I do? No one cared at all.
Probably at this moment, bloods were already dried up. My feelings left me too so a cut didn't hurt me at all. I just want to know, even for the last time... if my heartbeat stops, will you cry?
-C
