Let You Break My Heart Again //seongjoong//

𖤐 ៸៸ ⁺‧₊

“No... don’t do this to me.” Seonghwa, the ever loving, whispered. His eyes searching the other's face, for an answer perhaps. But alas, his lover’s face did not betray anything going on in his head.

And oh, how much Seonghwa wanted to know. Wanted to know just what exactly was going through that pretty head of his. He wanted to know what the other thought when he spent his nights in the studio producing how. He wanted to know how his mind worked. He wanted to know everything. In hopes that maybe he'd find clues, hints to why Hongjoong was in front of him spewing such nonsense.

When Hongjoong reached up to clutch Seonghwa’s hand that was caressing his face. He erupted inside. Fireworks, butterflies, all the things that people use to describe that incredible feeling. Hongjoong always had that effect on him. Even after six years. 

Even pre-debut Hongjoong managed to send Seonghwa into cardiac arrest with the simplest actions. The scrawny, skinny, small and exhausted boy who had Seonghwa in a chokehold ever since they met. You’d think that after six years, after countless sleepless nights of tumbling around in bed together, spending every second of the day together; that Seonghwa would grow used to it. But Hongjoong had always been his god, his guiding light, and now his ultimate downfall.

“I don’t see a future with us. Like this, it’s too tiring” Replied Hongjoong coldly and Seonghwa swore he could hear his own heart shatter inside his chest.

There it was, what Seonghwa had always feared. Hongjoong had grown tired of him, tired of the boring, bland and somewhat childish Seonghwa. He had tried his best to keep Hongjoong entertained, he tried to live his life according to the other man. Where had he gone wrong? He tried to fight the tears coming up but was it any use now? Seonghwa always thought he cried ugly but it didn’t really matter now, since the man he looked pretty for was leaving him.

“Please...” Seonghwa weakly clutched onto the collars of Hongjoong’s shirt, the latter’s hands came up to pull them away from him. It was clear, Hongjoong won’t budge. Even though Hongjoong tried to hide it, Seonghwa could tell he had a soft spot for him. Seonghwa could always manage to make Hongjoong reconsider anything but now there wasn’t any reconsidering. Hongjoong was dead set on breaking Seonghwa’s heart apparently.

"Please Hongjoong I lov-" The boy whispered but was quickly interrupted when Hongjoong put his hand over his mouth, effectively shutting him up. "No Seonghwa, Don't." The love of his life rasped, "Don't say that"

He couldn’t help the ugly sob that escaped him when Hongjoong didn’t budge. In that moment no matter how much taller Seonghwa was than the other, he had never felt smaller. Never more vulnerable as he cried into his shoulder. The other might as well not have been there due to his lack of actions. Hongjoong had always been bad at comforting but he wasn’t even trying right now. He just stood and let Seonghwa cry all over his redesigned clothes.

“A-and what of the group?” Asked Seonghwa finally, pulling away and wiping away the tears and the snot, rubbing his screen red. Was it intentional? If it was, Hongjoong didn’t have to know.

“We’ll pretend as if nothing happened, it’s not like they knew in the first place anyway” Hongjoong said dismissively, taking a step back. Seonghwa wanted to scoff. How could Hongjoong just dismiss their relationship like this? Why was he acting like whatever they had was just a silly one time thing. Did Seonghwa mean this less to him? It made him want to break down crying all over again. Perhaps that was all their little arrangement was. Just two members finding solace in each other in whatever way was convenient.

Seonghwa wanted to fight, he wanted to argue that they could continue this. They’ve done it for so long, surely, they could go on but alas, the words caught in his throat and all he could do was nod. Seonghwa never really was able to say no to Hongjoong.
He couldn’t say no when Hongjoong asked for help all those years back, he couldn’t say no every time Hongjoong would sneak into their shared dorm and he didn’t say no when he crawled into his arms to find comfort. So, what made him think he could refuse him now?

And so Seonghwa didn’t fight back when Hongjoong turned his back, he didn’t cry more as he saw his everything walk away from him. He didn’t scream when he returned back to his dorm and laid in bed. He didn’t say anything when he saw Hongjoong the next day at dance practice.

And when he stumbled over his own two feet and struggled through the choreo’s, he played it off as feeling under the weather. The other members were completely oblivious to the storm inside him.

Every time he saw Hongjoong, laughing and joking around with the rest of the members he tried his best to swallow down the drowning feeling he felt that spread throughout his entire body. He’d get over it eventually. The members were starting to notice so he had to get his act together soon.

And he did, He got over the sinking feeling, the dragging feeling and how his heart ached at the sight of Hongjoong... Now, he only chuckled at the thought of them. He smiles when he thinks of the late nights spent cuddling in Hongjoong’s studio. He missed the feeling of the man quietly snoring in his arms after a particularly rough day producing, he missed how Hongjoong made him feel grounded when he got too deep into his negative mindset. Even though he wasn’t here anymore, the thoughts of him kept him company. He hoped that Hongjoong had found healthy ways to cope when the mental pressure of being leader bore down on him too much now that he couldn’t turn to Seonghwa anymore.

He had a lot of time to think and ponder over Hongjoong’s decision to call them off. He felt bitter, he was hurt, he was angry. But he couldn’t hate Hongjoong. He couldn’t feel anything other than admiration and adoration when he observed his leader.

The same man that made him cry and claw at his chest when the emotions and overwhelming feelings caught up to him. He knew he had done it for the best of the group. And even if the logical side and selfish side growled and writhed at the thought of Hongjoong

Most of all, Seonghwa scoffed at himself. He found it ironic that he still cared so much for the man that had torn his heart into a million pieces so easily.

In the end, Kim Hongjoong was the god he worshipped and he was his ruin.
And if Hongjoong ever came around, Seonghwa would let him break his heart all over again.