Vent I guess

Untitled part 1

I'm doing worse and I can't keep up with anything. Too many people are leaving and I feel sick thinking about how I can't help them. I keep saying,PM me, ill talk any time, but how am I supposed to talk to someone like that if I can't even keep myself scar-free??? I cant. What use am I if I just step on a scale to see a blurry number. What use am i. I can't even think straight or talk with a therapist. I'm not a liar, why won't they believe me? I try and I try and yet they say my problem is I dont. My problem is I can't try anymore. I'm burnt out. I keep giving my heart out for it to be crushed and mashed into bits, and for what, to see my friends look happy? What's the point in living if you feel like your heart is going to explode. I'm going to keep living, because I dont want to be the person people waste their time crying over. In fact, why do people waste their time with me. I listen to their problems but the second I say something they hang up the phone or walk away. If I keep listening, will I just fall apart? I walk into an empty room and wonder why I came there, why I'm there, why I'm here, why I'm alive. I look at shows and death scenes and wonder why that can't be me. I keep all this quiet though and listen. Well I can't fucking listen if I die right?? I can't die though. I can't leave people. My family. I'm a coward, A freak. 

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Sorry, that was too long. I'm still gonna post it though because I said I'd explain about my hiatus about my genshin book

Have a good day / night ☺