December 31st
So ...... I haven't written anything for a while. The past few months have been stressful, but..... I think things are looking up? Although- you know that saying that things sometimes get worse before they get better?
Yeah. I think I understand that now.
So back in September cerise got a GP appointment
She said she hates going to the doctor for anything. I mean, I can relate.
But this was extra scary.
For obvious reasons.
The doctor was helpful, and referred cerise to an eating disorder service, but the waiting list was so long.
Her first appointment wasn't until January.
And things started to get really bad after that.
Her eating disorder got worse. I could tell, but she wouldn't talk to me about it.
She skipped school a lot which made her dad mad at her like all the time.
Her thoughts and behaviour about food became..... Obsessive.it didn't make logical sense any more. I guess it never did, really. But she'd always lie about it.
And she told me she used to self harm?
Well that kind of started again
Cerise(crying): sorry
Apple: it's not your fault
I think mostly because of the stress of everything else.
I didn't know what to do except just be there for her.
But things just got harder for her.
There was one night in October where her dad had to take her to A&E.
Cerise (on the phone): I just feel so stupid but but I can't stop it
Apple: I know it's not your fault
She knew the compulsion made no sense but she didn't know how to stop them.
Neither did I.
Cerise's mental health was assessed while she was there, and they told her that it'd be best if she spent some time as an inpatient.
But It was her choice.
Cerise said yes.
It happened really fast.
I was scared.
She was scared.
Cerise(hugging apple): pfft I swear you're getting more emotional than me
Apple: shhhh
I mean, I only knew about psychiatric hospitals from movies and the nearest available spaces at a ward was a 2-hour drive away.
We knew it was the right thing to do.
She had to at least try and see if it would help.
It was weird being at school without cerise.
I couldn't stop worrying about her.
We spoke on the phone when we could, and obviously I visited a too, but.
I kept wishing I knew how she was feeling all the time.
Was she home sick
Was she lonely
Was the treatment helping
Was she bored
Was it making things worse
Had she made some friends
It feels so awful to complain about my feelings when cerise's been going through all of that, but I guess I've been pretty anxious these past few months.
But I talk to briar about it a lot.
That helps.
I've been hanging out more with my royal friend, too.
Now that I'm out to them I feel like I can just be myself around them. And we can just hang out and be chill
Cerise asked me to not tell them what was going on with her.
She was kinda scared of it spreading around school.
They knew she was off school because she was unwell thought, so they've been supportive in their own way.
Cerise said I could keep the LGBTQ squad updated.
Raven: Maddie did you get the card for Cerise
Maddie: yep I got a giant one, it's the length of my arm
Lizzie: omc
Dex: apple does cerise have access to a DVD player??? I was thinking we could send her some fun films to watch
Apple: yeah she does!!! Good idea, she literally said they don't have crownfilx or anything and they've only got movies from like 2005 haha
Lizzie: I got the gift basket! And some stickers and stuff!
Cedar: I got her some art stuff!
Ashlyn: I got a couple of comics!! She said she likes to read comic books so I hope that's okay
Apple: do you all wanna come back to mine after school tomorrow?? You can sign the card and we can decorate the gift basket and stuff! Also you can come on a walk with beauty and me if you want
Maddie: I WOULD LOVE TO MEET BEAUTY
raven: I also would like to meet beauty
Dex: I think we all would like to meet beauty tbh
She didn't want them all visiting - I think it would have been too overwhelming.
But they still found ways to help.
And they helped me too.
I'd go with cerise's family to visit her a couple of times a week.
Part of me wished I could go every day but she needed space
I got to know remona and Connie pretty well during all the long car journeys.
Remona's kind of quite but I think she approves of me? I dunno.
She kind of.... Intense.
It took a few weeks and a lot of visits but cerise started to seem a little better.
Staying in a hospital was a big risk.
It probably isn't helpful for everyone.
But it was for her
Cerise(holding Connie): Dex always trying to get me to watch this
She could actually focus on her mental health without worrying about school and what everyone thought.
She came home in early December
Apple(runs up and hug's cerise): hey
Cerise(hugging apple): hey
Just in time for the Christmas season
She's still dealing with a lot so she stayed off school for the rest of term.
Christmas day was especially hard.
She came round mine after a big argument with her dad.
She got to meet our new puppy Henry which cheered her up a bit but....
It was a difficult day.
It's not like seven weeks in hospital made her magically okay again.
I know I'm not an expert or anything but from what I've learnt over the past few months mental illness take a long time to go away completely..... If they ever do.
This is probably only the start of a long journey.
But she's definitely doing better.
She's having therapy sessions with this guy called John.
She hasn't self-harmed since October
And she's been thinking about how to deal with her anorexia and anxiety.
We've been messaging a lot while I'm at school
Dex's been bringing her all the work she's missed
Yesterday we were just hanging out in her room and she said something funny and we just started laughing and couldn't stop for ages.
I love her so much.
Well I guess that's my life update
Anyway I'd better go cerise will be here soon! We're going to a new year's eve party tonight!
Briar is having a big house party with fireworks and stuff.
It's the first time cerise will have been back with a bunch of people from school. We can always leave if it's awful but I'm excited.
I'm excited to just hang out at a party with my girlfriend.
