Back to Himself

13. The Day He Broke Me (pt. 2)

"You're priceless to me. I would drain every dollar from all of my accounts to protect you, but I didn't have anywhere near that much during that phase of my career. And no bank was going to lend a 19-year-old that kind of cash. Today, I'd pay it in a heartbeat. If only I had then what I have now. I wouldn't have had to spend the past three years without you. When I told her I didn't have the funds, she decided to try another money-making method—contacting the tabloids."

Justin looks up at me.

"I fiercely protected your privacy, so there wasn't much to find out about you on the internet besides where we went to high-school. I made sure it stayed that way over the years. Which unfortunately meant that any information concerning 'Justin Bieber's best friend with the ultra-private life' was worth a lot of money. So—,"

I put a hand up to stop him.

"Hold on. You made sure how? Your fans know what you're eating for breakfast before you even make the decision yourself and you're telling me you managed to keep every piece of personal information about me besides the high-school we went to between you and I? How? And why on earth did you put yourself through all that trouble?"

I stare at him in shock. Justin furrows his brow in confusion as he looks at me.

"It wasn't trouble. I made a promise."

"What promise, J?"

"When 14-year-old me met you on the playground that day. Before we parted ways to go to our houses. I promised I'd protect you. I said: 'Milan, you can call me anytime. For any reason. I'll protect you.' And I didn't just mean during the times you were afraid of what your foster parents would do to you."

Justin closes his eyes and takes a deep breath, continuing.

"I've never told you this, because I didn't think I needed to, but my protection doesn't just follow phone calls. I'll make sure you're safe whether you ask me to or not. I'll shelter you from the dangers you see, and the ones you don't, every single day for as long as I'm alive. I will continue to prioritize your safety like I have since you were 13, even if you decide not to forgive me after I'm finished with this story."

He opens his eyes again, taking in my reaction. Searching my face for answers. I stare at him, defenses lowering. When he said it was all for me, because he cared about me so much, he meant it. Justin protected me from things and people I didn't even know were a threat. He took on the burden of that so I could live an easier life, and this whole time I thought he ditched me for the fame. Even though I knew deep down that wasn't in his character. I sigh softly, running my fingers through my hair, overwhelmed.

"So, just to recap—,"

I pause, looking to him for permission to continue. Justin nods quickly, wiping his tears again as he leans forward to listen.

"My court-ordered child psychologist who I trusted with my entire life from the ages of 13 to 17 and told information that I never told anyone before—including you—betrayed me. She used my mental health records and explicit details of my history of abuse to blackmail you for $10 million. When you couldn't pay, she threatened to release all of it to the tabloids so she could make some quick cash that way instead."

He jumps back in.

"Yes, and I knew I couldn't stop her from releasing it so I had to get you out of the spotlight and away from me as quickly as possible. Not because I didn't want you around. But because the further you are from me, the less the media cares about any information concerning you. So if it appeared to the public that we stopped being friends, she wouldn't be able to get any money for your records, no matter how hard she tried. They wouldn't hold any value for the tabloids."

Justin lets out a pained sigh, balling his hands into fists as the tears well up again.

"That's why I sent that text saying we could no longer be friends. It needed to be abrupt. It needed to be cold. It needed to be final. I needed to create distance between us as quickly as possible. And I knew if I went to your house, invited you over, or even just called you and heard your voice, that I'd crumble at the sound of your pain and you'd be able to change my mind."

He takes in a shaky breath, exhaling sharply.

"And before you ask, yes, I did consider what it would look like for us to remain friends secretly. But ultimately I decided I couldn't risk your safety solely for the selfish desire of wanting you close to me. And I couldn't consult you because I already knew what you would say. The same thing you said in the car when we got here today, you would have chosen me, no matter what. I couldn't let you do that, love. I really hope you can understand why now. Please forgive me, I won't be able to handle it if I lose you again."

He stares into my eyes, tears falling freely once more. I move closer and pull him into my arms, stroking his hair soothingly. He grasps the back of my shirt tightly and sobs quietly into my chest. I close my eyes, holding back my own tears. I need to be strong for Justin in this moment.

"I understand now. I forgive you, J."

He squeezes me tighter.

"I'm not going anywhere, it's me and you forever kid," I say softly.

He did it all for me. He knew finding out what Dr. Levin did would break me, so he let me believe she resigned instead. And he also knew I would have never been able to even begin to heal from my trauma properly if it had been broadcast for the world to see after high-school graduation. It was a blow I was too fragile to recover from.

So he pushed me out of his life. Away from the fire. Justin was fine being seen as the bad guy if it meant I was out of harm's way. He was fine with losing me if it meant I didn't get burned. I wasn't the only one whose heart was shattered that afternoon. The day he broke me, he broke himself too.