Dear Tine,
I asked you if you have plans tonight kasi hndi ako nkapagsimba with you.
I asked God for a sign if ilalaban ko pa ba ung friendship natin ksi ayaw mo isuko. Nabasa ko ung message mo the moment na nagnotify sa phone ko, but I thought I was just dreaming, I didn't know why i felt so tired na wala akong energy pra iopen at magreply. And then when I woke up, it's almost 10:30 which is the time u said u will pick me up if mag chuchurch ako. So I told you not today coz I just woke up and I have plans. You said it's fine.
But hours later I asked you, if you have plans tonight, you said, NO. So nagmadali ako mag isip ng pwede ko iprepare for dinner para mainvite kita expecting na you would love to have dinner with me coz it's a been a while since the last time we hang out.
But i guess, I was wrong again. You declined my invitation dahil need mo mag ayos ng mga gamit mo. Grabe naman, konting time lng hinihingi ko tas hndi mo man lng ako kayang piliin over your clothes, nakakatawa. Hindi ba talaga ako nagmamatter sayo?
I pretended that I am not disappointed. But later on, negative thoughts keep coming through my head again. May nagawa ba ako? Or napapagod ka na ba sakin or are you thinking that I am toxic na or being possessive over you? Kaya ka umiiwas mkipagbonding sakin? I cired hard and asked God, why do I have to feel this way? Why do I feel anxious knowing that before, you are essentially the person that I feel safest around and simultaneously, i feel the most insecure about our attachment most lately. I felt like I'm gonna lose you at the drop of the high.
I felt like my emotions depend on you. I felt like my emotions depend on if I see you or talk to you that day. My emotions literally revolve around you day in and day out. I don't really understand it. But later on i came to realize that it's because of the attachment I formed with you which was completely subconscious. Not something that I do in purpose. You were just that one person that i seek through for that validation and approval and you're the only person that can bring me back to that calm. Tulad din ng sinabi po I'm one of your "Hinga", Ikaw din ung "Hinga" tsaka "Kalma" ko.
Sobrang madaming nangyari lately, and nashshare ko sa iba, pero hndi nababawasan ung bigat. I couldn't find comfort which I only feel kapagka sa iyo ako nag coconfine. Hndi gumagaan yung loob ko. And alam ko ikaw lng talaga ung nakakagawa non.
But simultaneously, all the thoughts of you changing and replacing me keep me into this height and level of stress where I never feel safe anymore and I always feel like you're just gonna leave. Even though you said that you don't want to end this friendship, my thoughts are louder than your words.
So I told God to help me to block those unwanted feelings and thoughts kasi pagod na ko. Ang bigat bigat sa dibdib. Ang it's painful.
Kaya Iniyak ko na lng sa Kanya at pinakiusapan Siya either ilayo ka nlng Niya sakin completely para isang sakitan na lang or ibalik ka Niya ulit sakin or ibalik Niya ung dating ikaw, dating tayo. Na tulungan Niya akong intindihin ka. Na itatak Nya sa isip ko na temporary lng to, bagyo lang ito na lilipas din. And maging positive lang ako that better days are coming sa friendship natin. And kung ano man ung kulang is tulungan Niya tayong mapunan yon. May it be trust, honesty, time, effort or understanding at kung ano pa man. Gusto ko lang maging masaya ulit na mag lolook forward palagi sa mga panibagong bagay or pangyayari na makakapagpasaya sakin.
Tine, kakapit pa ba ako? Bitawan mo na lng ako kapagka pagod ka na din.
Ooppsss
Pero bat ikaw nag message uli?
Dininig na ba agad ni Lord ung prayers ko. Ang bilis naman..
(After our convo)
Hayyyy. Thank you for trying na makabawi. And I'm sorry sa pagtatampo. I just miss you and gusto na kita mkabonding ulit.
And now, I am talking to God again. Thanking Him for taking actions. Tama ka nga, If He is in the center of our friendship, igguide Niya tayo pra maintindihan ang isa't-isa. Sana maintindihan mo din ako. Mahal kita kapatid ko.
