Go Ahead, Break My Heart Again

Go Ahead, Break My Heart Again
By Alex Andra

Author's Note
I wrote this because I didn't have anyone I could talk to. No one would understand and if I shared this with my family they'd all just feel sorry for me. Shit, I feel sorry for myself. I just needed to get it out because it was driving me insane. I didn't use any names because I didn't want anyone to be affected. I wrote this because I loved someone so much, who just couldn't love me back. I don't have any hate for him. I honestly love him and will always love him. I just want to see him get better- K

Part One, The Beginning
I think we've all been there before. Some might say it's a blessing to never experience it, some might say it's an unlived life if you haven't. For me, I'd take the pain over and over again for him. A million stabs to my heart, tearing through my vessels, ripping my flesh with each thrust. For him, I'd take the pain. I'd take it for us both. I'll take that pain so that he'd never have to. So that there would be no more pain added onto what he's already feeling. I can see it in him, I always could. Pain running so deeply within him, hurting his entire being, his soul. I loved him. I love him. 
By the time I met you, I thought I had seen it all already. Felt all the depths of love that I possibly could. But, I was a fool. Because meeting you, being with you, changed me completely. I have never felt this kind of love before. It's not good, it's the kind of love that drives you out of your mind. The kind that makes you sick if you don't have it. The kind that the more you crave it the more it evades you. An addiction of the sort.
August
The first day I met you, I could never forget. It was my 22nd birthday. I sat in a chair facing the front door and you walked in. You stood at the entrance, looking at me with that smile that only you have and said, "Happy Birthday". I smiled in return and said thank you. I'd never seen you before even though you'd been to my home already. This was apparently your second time here but somehow my eyes completely ignored you the first time. Not this time though, you caught my full attention. Who were you? Where did you come from? And how, did you end up here, of all places, with me.
I couldn't help but think it was destiny. Here I was, hiding away from the world in the sanctity of my isolation and then suddenly you come along, peaking my interest. God, you were immaculate, your skin so fair, your long, black, curly hair, your brown beautiful eyes and that jawline! That chiseled jawline along with your lean body, was exquisite. That was all lovely, but what caught my eyes was that smile. Something about that beautiful smile that you had, just pulled me in. I'm a sucker for smiles and you, had the most captivating one I had ever seen.
I didn't ask your name, in fact, I only learnt it after I heard someone else calling you. I was just trying to play it cool because truthfully, I didn't expect anything to come from it. My love life up until now was full of disappointments, never had even one person that I could say I wanted a serious relationship with, much less spend a life together. So, I thought this would be no different, especially given the fact that you looked like a playboy. So I sat back, I don't think we even talked that day but I do remember we took our very first picture together. It was out on the lawn, in front of that big, flowering tree. Your niece called you over and threw you beside me, nudging you to take a picture with me.
I can't help but think that she was helping to push us together, I don't know, maybe it's just a thought. I often wonder, even to this day, if they knew what they were doing. If they did all this on purpose. Did they bring you over here because they knew you'd become a part of my life? Or was it all just a coincidence that you, the uncle of my cousin's girlfriend, just came over one day for an event and suddenly, we found each other? Maybe. I laughed when I heard you were her uncle because, you'd usually expect a 40 year old with a mortgage and children. But you? A 21 year old that didn't look a day over 17, you had a niece? Crazy.
The day had passed and we all just went off and did our thing. You played video games with my cousins and I stayed in my room just relaxing. I recall as I laid there, my mom and my other female cousin were all on the bed. You came into the room and stood at the entrance of my door. My mom told you to come in and you came and sat on the edge of my bed for a minute. I could tell that you felt a little awkward cause whenever my mom said something to you, you laughed nervously. You didn't stay long, you got up and said you were going to take a shower and I jokingly told you to get that bum squeaky clean. You looked into my eyes and laughed and went to go get your stuff.
As you were in the bathroom showering, I remember I walked by and heard you playing ,"Members Only" by Bobby Bland on your phone. I was intrigued. I thought to myself, what 21 year old listens to the old stuff? In that single moment, simply based on your choice of music, I could tell you were different. When you came out you had on bell-footed jeans and I laughed to myself because I didn't know that men in this day and age wore anything other than skinny or full fitted jeans. This also added to my intrigue because, you wore this to bed. Who sleeps in jeans?? I'm laughing as I'm writing this now, did you wear it on purpose or did you just not have any other options? Whatever the case, it still puts a smile on my face.
The next day, we all decided to go to the river. As we were all getting ready to go out, you walked by me with a grocery bag full of books and your clothes.
"Why is your stuff in a shopping bag?", I asked.
"I was in a rush so I just grabbed a bag and threw some of my stuff in there", you said, laughing at yourself.
It was the funniest thing I'd ever seen and then the fact that you carried that same shopping bag with us to the river and used it as your beach bag. Unbelievably hilarious. It's strange isn't it? That feeling you have when you know there's somebody you're interested in and they're interested in you just the same. It's almost like you're just waiting for it to happen. At the same time you're not expecting anything but the both of you know what's up. You know it's coming so you just play it cool until eventually the universe pushes you together. 
We got to the river and it was a whole vibe, the music was blasting and the aroma of all things fried filled the air. There was quite a few people there but, with enough room for all of us to still have a good time and enjoy ourselves. The water was pristine, incredibly blue and so clear that you could see straight to the bottom. You wore that muscle shirt with the number 5 on it, your silver chain and your ring. When your hair got all wet, it made the curls stretch out and hang in your face. How could one man be so, for a lack of better words... pretty?
As the day went on, we all just swam and had a hell of a time in the water. During the time we were playing catch, the ball was tossed to you and I jumped on your back trying to retrieve it. Even after the ball left your grasp, I remained on your back and you didn't seem to mind at all. Like I could've stayed there, attached to you all day. At the end of the day, when we were almost ready to leave, before we got out the water, you looked at me and asked if I enjoyed the day, I smiled at you and said yes.
Later on that night, when we got home, I was sitting outside across from you and we started talking. We laughed and talked until ultimately in the end you gave me your phone so I could give you my number. I had to get up and go do something, I don't remember what exactly but that's the reason our conversation had to end.
You went home the next day and to my surprise, about a day or two after, you texted me. We started talking and I got to know a little more about you. I started to see that even though you were 21, you were still immature. It was obvious in the way you'd talk to me and the way you'd say things. In the months following, I'd learn just how many women you were talking to. You didn't hide it, in fact we openly discussed it because, I made it clear that I only wanted to be your friend. Not because I didn't like you, but because, you were talking to all these different girls, so how could I have taken you seriously?
As we talked, I realized that you said a lot of things to impress me. Like when you said that you bought an expensive TV for your mom, even though it was your sister's who probably bought it and you just chose it because you're a tech guy. You constantly tried to uphold this godlike image, so superior in itself but me? I'm a reader, I read people before they even get a chance to open their mouths. But, even though I can read people well and ultimately know the truth, I still give people the benefit of the doubt and allow them to show me their true intentions rather than judge them upfront.
So, I played along with your show. Apart of me really did believe that what you were saying was true but deep down, I knew better. But, because we had just met, I took it all at face value, I mean why would I question it? I didn't have a reason to. I guess it was also because I liked what you were saying. On paper you seemed to have great integrity, was honest, caring and someone who knew what they wanted and was committed to getting it. I mean, looks plus character? That's like hitting the jackpot isn't it?
September
As time went on, you'd eventually stop talking to me because even though I wanted to be friends and I made that clear, you ultimately wanted more. You told me that you already had enough friends and that you didn't need any more. So, I honoured your wishes and left you alone.
You know, nobody talks about how difficult these moments are. When you're forced to exist in everyday life as if it's all good. As if it's all fine. Everyone expects you to function normally. But, how can you. How can you be okay when the one fucking person that made you feel less alone, is gone? He's just not there. People are fucking liars and spew nothing but bullshit. The reality is, when we lose love, our lives become nothing. So no, I don't want to go out, I don't want to socialize, I don't want to see any fucking body. None of them matter, unless it's him. People always make it seem so easy but the reality is, if it was them in the situation, they'd fucking crumble.
October
The next couple of months would prove to be one of the most terrifying times of my life. Mommy had to go overseas for a while so it was just me and my Uncle in the house. He arrived a couple of days after she left and it just seemed normal. He'd been living with us on and off for a couple of years now, helping on the farm, doing what he could to make things easier.
A few years earlier he'd been struck by lightning while out on a fishing job. The strike had caused permanent damage to his eardrum, leaving him completely deaf. He had an hearing aid but didn't really wear it. As with most deaf people he could read lips pretty well. Incidentally, he just seemed like an innocent, disabled person. Willing to help in anyway he could including doing hard labour on the farm and being a handyman where needed. His hearing was shot but he was still pretty physically active and fit.
He came over unexpectedly one afternoon. He'd been telling mommy that he wasn't sure what day he'd be coming. To my surprise, as I sat around the back, I looked through the corner of my eyes to see him approaching. Being that I wasn't expecting anyone, I sat with my knees up to my chest and I was wearing shorts so my legs were exposed. I don't know why but I felt as though he was looking at me and as soon as I saw him, I put my legs down and sat properly. When he entered the house, he took off his shoes as usual and put his bag in one of the chairs. What was unusual however, was in the fact that he came and sat right beside me. Highly unusual for him because in the time he had lived with us, he had never come within two feet of me much less sit that close to me on purpose.
I found this strange but I thought nothing of it. I thought maybe I'm just overanalyzing. I mean he had been known to be a little unscrewed in the head since the accident so I didn't think of him as a threat. To me he was just my mad uncle. A little crazy but not capable of doing any serious damage. In my eyes, I viewed him with respect just as I would  my other elders. As all this went on and even before, something my neighbour said kept replaying in my head. My mom was telling her that she'd be leaving for a bit, so she asked if I was going to be here alone. My mom said no, her brother (my uncle) , would be here with me. She turned to my mom and said, " Are you sure about that?"
My mom quickly reassured her saying, "Yes, everything will be fine". And why wouldn't it? Neither of us thought anything of it, just a neighbour being concerned. But, sometimes when you get asked these questions, they stick in your mind, almost as if it's a word of caution. A warning to be on the lookout. And that's exactly what it was, I just didn't see it. On top of that, my mind was preoccupied, I had gone for an interview a few days earlier and was to start working the next day. So my only concern really, was how we were gonna survive for the next couple of months because money was tight.
I was racking my brain wondering how I was going to stretch food and money for the both of us. Because regardless of the fact the he was a grown man, he's family and I really looked at him as my responsibility to care for. So, I got my clothes ready for the next day, eagerly anticipating the first day of my new job. I wanted to be fresh so I went to bed pretty early, around 9:30 or 10:00 pm. Before I went to sleep, I walked around the house making sure that all the lights were off and the doors locked. The internet wasn't working so I went to restart the router, as I turned the corner, I came up on something unsettling.
There he was, my uncle, standing with his back pinned against the wall. He looked as if he was getting ready to do something, almost like a thief who was about to rob the place. Hiding behind a wall so as to not be seen. When I turned the corner, he was startled, I don't think he was expecting me or thought that I was still up because my lights were off. As we met face to face, he jumped, holding his heart. He started chuckling nervously.
I jumped as well because I didn't expect him to be there. I asked him, "What are you doing?", he responded saying that he heard a noise. If I wasn't so naive, I would have questioned that because, how could he have heard a noise since he's deaf? Then he started rambling about a black rooster roaming about the yard (there was none) and some other nonsense. So, I dismissed the whole thing, thinking that maybe he's just losing his goddamn mind; crazy old man.
So we both laughed it off and went our separate ways once again. As I was going back to my room, I thought to myself, "Should I close my door?" Something that I've never thought before because I usually keep it open so I can hear if my mom or uncle need something during the night. Again, I thought nothing of it and left the door open as usual and got into bed. Later on that night around 11:30 pm, in the depths of my sleep, a feeling washed over me as if I was being watched.
As I opened my eyes, I awoke to him standing over me. Frightened and confused, I jumped up, and asked him, "What? What's the matter?" I thought something was wrong, like his ulcer was acting up again and he was having pain or that somebody was trying to break into the house. Something was wrong but not in the way I thought it was. He reached his hand over me and started fondling my breast, realizing quickly what this was, I pushed his hand off. He placed it back again, trying to touch me once more, lifted the covers and tried to get in bed with me.
I pushed him off and he looked at me and said, "Come on, stop playing". I pushed him out of the way and ran outside to the front of the house. Confused and wondering what the fuck to do. I stood there looking around. What do I do? Do I get out the house? Do I find a weapon? Do I call someone? I stood there panicking and he followed me out the room to where I was. As he came up to me he reached his hand out and tried touching my bottom. I slapped it away and thankfully, he backed down. He walked away, possibly back to his room.
As he walked away, I ran back inside, locking my doors. I pushed my bed up against the back door and my dresser against the front. I normally kept a machete under my mattress so I reached for it and held onto it like a stuffed animal. I was still in shock, I sincerely did not know what the fuck to do. I had my mom's phone and I scrolled through the contacts, looking for someone to call. I couldn't call my mother, throughout my life, whatever shit I was going through or whatever problems I got myself in, I dealt with it alone. I did this so that I don't ever have to make my mother worry. I handle it all on my own. Besides, what good was it going to do? She was in another country and all it would have done was stress her out and cause her to worry, the exact thing I was trying to avoid.
Eventually, I stumbled upon a friend of hers and I called his phone. He answered the phone to me crying hysterically. I said, "My uncle just came in the room and tried to touch me!" At first he brushed it off saying, "Maybe he just came in to check on you". I quickly dismissed that suggestion and told him no, he tried to touch me. Once he realized that what I was saying was legit, he asked what I wanted him to do. Did I want him to come for me and I stay at his house or did I want him to come in the morning and get my uncle out of the house. I chose the latter.
I stayed awake for the rest of the night, unable to even close my eyes. I held the machete close to my heart and barricaded myself inside my room. All night I trembled in terror, afraid that he was going to come back and try to get into my room. I started thinking about going back outside to get the house key so I could escape but then the notion of him lurking around a corner quickly expelled that idea from my mind. For the duration of the night, my mom's friend would call occasionally to check and see if I was okay. He stopped calling around after 3:00 am, so in an effort to force myself to stay awake, I played candy crush on my mom's phone.
My body trembled for the entire night and I couldn't stop crying. I was so confused, how did this happen? Why did this happen? I feared above all that if he did try to come back in and attack me, I would be forced to kill him. The sheer terror coursing through my veins had me on high alert. Adrenaline was pumping and all my defenses were up. I was so afraid that I really believed that I was going to kill him or at most, badly injure him. Just something so I could get away. Sitting there on the floor, I had never been so cold in my life, it felt like my body was on the verge of shutting down. My system was completely shot.
I managed to stay awake until morning. My bloodshot eyes had never been happier to see the rising sun. It was almost 7:00 am and my mom's friend still hadn't shown up as yet. I was scheduled to start working at 8:00 am but with all that had happened, there was no way I was going to make it there. Around 7:10 am, I heard the van drive up. "Finally", I thought to myself. I was relieved and terrified at the same time because even though help had arrived, I still had to go outside and get the keys to let them in.
Before going outside, I called my mom's friend to my window. He came down to the window and asked, "Are you okay?". I responded yes and he proceeded to ask if I knew where "He" was. I told him that I didn't know and he said "Okay, come get the keys and let us in". I mustered all my strength to go out there, as I moved away all the things I put in place to block the door, my heart raced. As I went to open the door, I pressed my ear up against it to try and hear any movements. I didn't hear anything so I went over to the window beside my door and tried to look out. Looking out, I saw nothing.
I took this opportunity to quickly open my door and go outside. I ran over to where the keys were and grabbed them. Immediately I ran to the front door and unlocked it, allowing my mom's friend to enter into the house. He brought with him a rough looking man. He wore an old, tattered shirt, stained with dirt. His pants were caked in mud and his boots looked like they'd been dragged through hell. He stood six feet tall and his body was reminiscent of a warrior; sculpted and muscles defined. As he walked in alongside my mom's friend, he said "Good morning" and I responded the same.
When they got into the house, my mom's friend asked me to go through what happened again and I did so in short. After listening to what I had to say, he decided okay, it was time to go in. He went first and said that I should come along with him. I pleaded with him to let me stay outside but he denied it. So, I went along, reluctantly. As we got to the room, there he was, fast asleep as if nothing had happened.
My mom's friend entered the room and switched the light on. He shoved his foot and said aggressively, "Wake up!". As he wiped the sleep from his eyes, in obvious confusion, he asked , "What is it?". My mom's friend started telling him that my mom wanted him out, that he should leave and go back home. He started asking about the farm, asking if my mom wasn't going to be needing his help.
Her friend reassured him that everything would be fine here and he just needed to leave. He didn't seem to be at all aware of what was happening. He played it off as if he was unconscious to the whole thing. This behavior really made me question whether or not he knew what he was doing. Was this all an act? Or did he really just have an episode of insanity or amnesia, where he forgot who I was and overstepped? I don't know, at this point I was confused about pretty much everything.
We stood outside the door, waiting for him to gather his things. I mentioned to my mom's friend that I was supposed to start a new job today. I told him that with all that happened and with how I was feeling, I was going to cancel. He looked at me and said "No!' You can't do that. Go get ready and I'll take you to work". I turned to him and said, "I really don't think I can". He denied me still, reiterating that I should go get ready. Once again, I did as I was told, reluctantly.
I didn't know at the time why he was forcing me to do this but, looking back on it now, I realized. It's because he knew that I'd be home alone all day, scared and frustrated. He knew I'd be there with no one to turn to. So rather than sit and dwell on the traumatic events that occured last night, he forced me out of the house. Thinking about it now, I don't think either of the two options were the best choice. Having to go out and put on a brave face at work like I was okay only did more damage than good. My thoughts were constantly invaded by his poison and not having slept for 24 hours was taking it's toll. I was exhausted. My body and mind were both running on empty. At least if I had stayed home, I could've passed out in my bed from exhaustion.
So, here I was, dressed up to go to work. As I went back outside, my uncle was seemingly stalling. The rough looking guy stood waiting, looking as if he was ready to pounce if he made one wrong move. My uncle  walked all over the place looking for things he didn't even need. My mom's friend picked up on this and told him, "Get only what you need, your sister will send the rest of your things over. Hurry up because we're leaving now". He seemed to understand now that we were rushing him out the house, so he got his stuff and put on his shoes. As he stepped out, I locked the door and proceeded to get into the van. Audaciously, my uncle tried to get into the van as well. My mom's friend immediately put a stop to that, telling him no, he can't get a ride.
With that said, we locked the doors and drove off. Ensuring however, that he left the area and didn't turn back. As he drove me to work, a million thoughts raced through my mind. What if he didnt actually leave? What if he's just waiting there for me to come back? As we continued to drive, my mom's friend turned to me and said, "You see that guy?" , (meaning the rough one that he brought). "He really wanted to beat your uncle until every bone in his body was broken". I just looked at him and turned my head back to the window. I didn't know what to say. What, was I supposed to be thrilled at the thought of inflicting bodily harm on someone, or was I to be happy that there were people willing to do this for me. My mind was fucked.
As we got to my workplace, before I exited the van, he said to me,"Call me when you're ready to leave work and I'll come and get you". I don't like being a bother to people so I tried to talk him down, telling him no it's okay, I could get a taxi home. He insisted that I call him and didn't leave until I promised. So I did. I went inside and he drove off. As I started working, it really felt like I was on the verge of breaking. I was so weak that if my employer had asked me what was wrong I would have broke out in tears. Nobody asked though, and I was left to keep it all inside. Carrying on as if absolutely nothing had happened and everything was just a-fucking-okay.
I still hadn't spoken to my mom at this point and I decided not to tell her about what had happened. She was working in another country, what good was it going to do for me to worry her? I never did that to her ever, and I surely wasn't going to start today. So I kept it strong and moved on. When work was over, I kept true to my promise and as I was about to call my mom's friend to come pick me up, there was no need. He was already outside, waiting for me. To be honest, his presence allowed me to feel at ease. I wouldn't have to go home alone, worrying that he's out there lurking.
We got home and he stayed with me for a minute. When it came time for him to leave, he reminded me that if I need anything to just call. He sent me inside the house and I locked the door. He drove off and I was left there, all alone. Even though I knew I was the only one there, I still felt exposed and vulnerable. I kept thinking that he's gonna pop up out of somewhere and that I'm going to wake up in the middle of the night to find him hovering over me again. In the weeks that came, I couldn't sleep peacefully in my house. Every night I triple checked the locks and I barricaded myself in my room. The machete became my lover as it laid next to me at all times. I kept the house keys with me inside the room.
November
What followed was a season of depression due to the trauma I had sustained. It wasn't until lately, that I realized. Home alone, with no friends or family to turn to. My mind went back to the person whom I'd been pining over for almost a year now. We had sex and he ghosted me and I'd been chasing that dragon ever since. We started talking again recently, and somehow I got it in my mind that he was the only person that could help me. I didn't know what I needed but I knew that I needed someone.
Let's run it a year back, shall we. There I was, starting a degree program at the local community college. On the very first day, I knew absolutely no one. Then, like water in a desert, a light skinned, tall, slim guy walks in. Did I know him from anywhere? Absolutely not. But he came over to where I was sitting and in that instance as we began talking, we became friends. We talked as if we had known each other in a past life and as if we'd been friends for an eternity. Funny, isn't it? How you can meet a complete stranger and feel like you've known them forever. That's what this was. He'd eventually become my best friend, in the most platonic way possible. Just stating that for the record.
Like every single person on the planet, I too, despised school. But as I got older, I started to enjoy the critical thinking aspect of it. Forcing your mind to think deeply. To question everything, to understand why certain things happen. As you might already be assuming, psychology was a favourite of mine. But, other than that I pretty much hated everything about leaving my house everyday to go to this god forsaken place. All except one tiny thing.
He started school fashionably late, about a week or two after classes had begun. I was sitting in the back as usual beside my best friend. Suddenly, as I was staring out the door, thinking about how much longer it was before I got to go home, he walked in. He was petite, uncommon description for a man, but it's accurate. He wasn't too tall, hovering on average. His body wasn't big but it was definitely lean and muscular. His skin was like caramel itself, he had a lot of hair in which he styled in an up-do with the sides of his head shaved.
His face was small with a defined jawline. His eyes were deep brown and his smile? His smile was pretty average, not gonna lie. Was he incredibly handsome? To an extent but that's the thing about comparison. Based on the rest of the pool, he was a goddamn god. And believe me, every single girl noticed. He was the guy that everyone of us wanted. So, since the very first day of seeing him, my mind was set. I'm kind of sick in a way because I like to play this little game where I build attraction. So I'd go there everyday, walk pass him to get him to notice me and when I kind of pulled him in, I cut it and went home. We were in almost every class together so you can best believe that he was staring at me in all of them and I was sneaking looks as well.
I did this everyday for about two weeks and if I'm being honest, I really just did this to keep things interesting. It gave me a reason to want to go to school. Yup, that's right, it took me two weeks to get this dude. And I know you're probably saying, "What did I actually get?" Cause in the end he just hit it and quit it right? Well that may have been so but I'm not the type to just bang, I'm always looking for lasting love. I know hopeless right. And incidentally, the only way I can actually have sex is if I form an emotional connection first, so I was fucked from the start. Clearly, I didn't just want sex cause if I did I'd have just walked up to him and served myself on a platter. Instead I took the long way round.
So the weeks went by and I can honestly say as I got to like him more, I became as nervous and shy as a fucking 16 year old school girl. I followed my best friend to the bathroom one day and as I was waiting outside for him, you know who shows up and taps me on my shoulder. Now, I'm always busy running my mouth, talking shit or just being aggressive overall. So in the middle of my ranting, I felt someone touch my shoulder.
As I turned around, low and behold it's him. I almost fell because I was so surprised, I took a step back and almost went into the bushes. He had to grab me. After which, he proceeded to ask me what class I had now and you know what I said? Nothing. Not as in I didn't have a class. As in the fucking words wouldn't come from my mouth. I started mumbling gibberish like an idiot.
Thankfully, my best friend came out and I just walked away. I didn't even look back at him. Just moved along because I was sure he was convinced I'm retarded. As time went on, I'd wait for him to arrive in every single class. It just made things so much more appealing, you know? Everything's so much better when you have a crush. Shit, it made me start answering questions in class. That's how motivated I was. It got to a point where I went to school just so that I could see him.
My attraction for him really peaked one day when I was sitting under the trees. As I was staring off into the distance, as I normally do. I saw this guy in a grey shirt and skinny black jeans, with his hair styled in twists. I didn't recognize that it was you know who. But, as he came closer my mind went , "Fuck! That's him!" I was in utter shock, I mean he'd looked good before but seeing him like this really changed the game for me. Unexpectedly, he came and sat beside me and unsurprisingly my mind went blank. Not a single word managed to escape my lips. I couldn't control myself really, the nervousness was just all too much.
If I could have jumped out of my body and gave myself a huge slap, I would have. Here he was, trying to talk to me and there I was, a mute. He eventually got up when he realized that I wasn't really paying him any attention, poor guy probably thought I didn't like him. Because it's not like I was smiling or laughing with him either. Just completely void. The days would go on as usual until eventually, I'd come to find out that my best friend, that fucker, had my crushes number. They'd been in a group for a project and they talked frequently. So, I gently nudged him to give me the number. Obviously, I had my best friend play the role of wingman and made him aware that I had a thing for him.
"My friend likes you", he said. "Lol yeah I know, but she seems really shy", my crush responded. And that my friend, was all I needed. So risking it all, one day as we went off campus for lunch, I texted him "Hey". About 20 minutes later, he replied and said, "Hey beautiful". Ladies and gentlemen, I need not tell you how unbelievably ecstatic I was. Imagine that, your crush, calling you beautiful! It's like I died and went to heaven. I almost walked out into traffic because I couldn't stop glaring at the message.
So we started to talk, it wasn't anything deep. I wasn't about to profess my feelings for him, jeez! Just casual conversation for me to get to know him a little better. Can't say that he was much of a conversationalist, most of the time he took forever to respond and when he did, his words were few. So I took this as an indication that he wasn't really invested and acted accordingly. Now more than ever, I acted like I didn't even notice him at school. And by god , did this make him chase me even more.
One afternoon, I needed to print something so I went into the library. As I entered, I saw him and another of our classmates studying. I didn't want to disturb them so I just walked pass and went over to the counter. As I got my documents and was heading out the door, he called me over to sit beside him. Our classmate had gotten up so it was just me and him. We sat facing each other and as he sat there talking to me, he placed his hand on my thigh. My senses went into overdrive. My heart started pounding, my eyes widened. I started breathing heavily and the only thing that was in my vision, was him. I saw nothing else. I felt like a lion ready to attack my prey.
Momentarily, our classmate came back, ready to continue their study session. As she approached us, my senses returned to normal and I could feel the animalistic instinct diminish. Suddenly, I regained my sense of surroundings and immediately grabbed my things and proceeded to exit. As I got through the door, he came out after me. He grabbed my hand and pulled me towards him, hugging me. As he hugged me tightly, he said "Don't leave me just yet". I reminded him that our classmate was inside waiting for him and that he had to finish studying. He took a deep sigh and asked, "Will I see you tomorrow?". I told him yes. He then took my hand. Gently, he placed a kiss on it and told me to get home safely.
Up until now, no man had ever kissed me on my hand. I only ever saw such things in romance novels or movies. Never in my life, had I imagined that it was real. Much less that it would ever happen to me. As he laid his lips on my hand, a warm feeling rushed throughout my entire body. I was in complete disbelief. It felt as though I was in a fairytale. I was in absolute bliss as I left.
The next day, as we all gathered for psychology class I sat at the front and as usual, he was late. It had gotten to the point where I kinda stopped looking for him in classes cause sometimes he wouldn't show up. As I sat there with my head down, reading my book, I heard a commotion from the other side of the room. The girls created this big excitement as he walked in. Everyone was asking, "Woah, what happened to you? Why do you look like that?". He paid them no mind and proceeded to move a chair over to where I was and sat facing me.
He looked terrible, his entire face was just completely pale and he looked like he hadn't slept in days. When I saw this, I immediately held his hand and asked him if he was okay. As I took his hand and started talking to him, he became completely relaxed. His face returned to normal and he even started smiling. The other girls saw this and you can imagine how jealous they were. I never knew that I could have this effect on someone until this happened. He literally looked like he was on the brink of death when he came in and now, it's like his soul had returned. He was full of life once more. I wish I was exaggerating.
He realized that everyone was staring at us so, in an effort to take the attention away, he got up and went to sit beside our lecturer. I was enamored with what had just happened. There it was, all these other girls are calling you and yet, you find your way to me. When they tried to talk to you it meant nothing. But, me? I held your hand and looked into your eyes and suddenly all your sorrow, all your pain melted away. If that's not love, then I don't know what is. Or maybe it was just infatuation and I'm too much of a hopeless romantic.
I still don't know to this day what made him so twisted inside but whatever it was, it had to have been big. From this day forward, he would start to wait for me outside of classes and look for me wherever I was. One day as class dismissed, everyone was exiting the room and as I stood outside waiting for my best friend, "He" came over to me. I was speaking to one of my classmates and he literally pushed himself in between us. Not caring that I was in the middle of a conversation. But, I didn't mind. He was the only person I wanted to see anyhow.
I recall one day as I left class, I was feeling really low. As I walked out into the hall, I saw him coming. His head was turned, looking at something to the side, so he didn't see me coming. As I got up to him, I walked straight into his arms and embraced him. He didn't expect it but he returned my embrace just the same. It felt so good. I never knew someone could hug you and make all your pieces feel whole again. This was the very first hug we had ever exchanged and this single encounter confirmed that there was definitely something there.
One of the final good days before everything came to a head, was the day I wore this beautiful blue blouse, along with my sliver hoop earrings. We were all there for an early ethics class and needless to say, he was late. There was an empty desk beside me and I purposely told my friend to move it. About half hour late, he stepped into class looking as if he owned the place. As soon as he saw me, he went and took the desk that I purposely had moved, and placed it beside me. He basically merged our desks together and as he did, he inspected me from top to bottom.
He brushed my hair out of my face and when he saw my earrings, he was in awe. As he did all this, I pushed his hand off of me, and asked, "What do you want?". He gave me a cheeky smile and whispered in my ear, "You". I blushed and turned my head, staring deep into his eyes. This was enough to capture the attention of our lecturer, who in turn would tell us to keep it down and pay attention. So we did. Throughout the entire lecture, he kept using his pinky to play with mine and even placed his head in the palm of my hand on the desk. Is my belief that this was love justifiable now? Or am I still just goddamn hopeless? Who knows.
So, here it was. The final day of exams before we went on Christmas break. After finishing our exam, we exited the room and went to sit under the trees for a bit. Everyone was leaving, going their separate ways, including my best friend. He had to go meet another one of his friends. So, it was just me and "Him". As he sat beside me, he asked if I wanted to come home with him. For whatever reason, I said yes.
We got on our way and as we sat in the taxi, there was just this feeling of excitement and anticipation in the air. We arrived at his house and it was just immaculate. Not a hair out of place. It apparently belonged to his aunt, he and her lived together. He stayed there on his own and maintained the place when she went overseas. As we got in the house, I sat down and as everybody knows, it was a little awkward. I mean we all know what it was leading up to but, somehow we always wait for the guy to make the first move. So he came and stood in front of me. He pulled me up out of the chair and into his arms. As he embraced me, he began caressing my entire body, feeling my thighs and massaging my ass.
As the intensity grew, he reached his hand to my neck and grabbed it. He began kissing me. As his lips touched mine, I transcended into ecstasy. We continued to kiss all the way to his room. As we got there, he threw me onto the bed and got on top of me. Unbuttoning my blouse, he kissed every inch of me, from my chest all the way round to my lower back. He sucked on my breasts, gently caressing my nipples with his tongue.
As we both became alive with fire, he stopped kissing me. He looked me deep into my eyes and asked, "Do you want to have sex?". I nodded my head and he got up and took off the rest of his clothes. His chest was covered in curly, black hairs. His muscles were all defined, including that magnificent "V" cut in his lower abdomen. As he got on top of me once again, the sun struck his brown eyes perfectly, illuminating them to become hazel. We began kissing and slowly he parted my legs. With each kiss he moved closer and closer towards me. With one final kiss, he slid inside me.
Ecstasy as we became one. With each thrust, our souls twined together, giving me a feeling I had never felt before. Being with him, was unlike any other, or at least that's what I thought at the time. When it was over, he showed me to the bathroom and I cleaned myself up. As we left the house, I wasn't feeling too sure anymore. I don't know if it's a universal thing, but have you ever had sex with someone and then afterwards you just feel like something's been taken from you? You're just left hollow and empty. That's how I felt.
He called a taxi and I got on it and went home. During the ride home, it felt like I had lost all feelings for him and that this would be the last of whatever we had. I would come to find out that I'd be wrong on both occasions. As I got home, he texted me asking if I made it home alright. I responded yes and that was the last I heard of him. All up until new years, when he sent me a generic happy new year message, to which I did not respond.
As the new school term began, I went in with a plan: I'd simply avoid him and act like I didn't even know him. Solid plan, right? Well, unfortunately, it never got a chance to play out. Everyday for the first two weeks of school, I would wait for him to arrive just so I could ignore him. But, sadly, he never did. He never showed up at all. Matter of fact, he dropped out. This was a damaging blow to me. I mean, I was mad and angry at him but, not seeing him at all? Not finishing his education? It all just felt so wrong.
Everyone was wondering where he was, our entire class, our lecturers, even the security guards. No one had a clue, not even me. The only reason we even knew he was alive was because he'd occasionally post status updates. For the rest of the year, I would proceed to engage in sending him a number of messages. All of which he responded to none. The only message he responded to was when I had enough and said, "Getting involved with you, was the biggest mistake of my life". To which he replied, "No. Please don't say that". By this time, I had had enough and decided it was time to give up on him.
We didn't talk after that, but I'd still go to school everyday and hope that he'd be there. He never was. One day, while I was in class, I had sent him a message. Because, as you know, anyone who's ever been in love, will keep trying until their heart gives out. And that was me. So, I texted him and to my surprise he responded. Long story short, I ended up leaving school and going over to his house. As I got there, he opened the door wearing a T-shirt and shorts. He didn't really look too good.
As we got inside, he proceeded to ask me if I've ever given head before and I told him no, I don't do those things. He then came over to me and started to touch me. He undressed me, pulling of my pants and proceeded to bend me over the chair. As he was about to put his dick inside me, on the first stroke, he realized that I was bleeding. I didn't even know this myself. So, he pulled up his shorts and helped pull back up my panties as well. He took me by the hand and brought me to the bathroom, where he told me that I was bleeding and to clean myself up.
Embarrassed would be an understatement. I felt so much disgust in myself I can't even describe it. Here I was, pining over this guy for so many months, only to finally get the chance to come see him and this happens? I'm still not sure why it happened. I think it was because of all the stress I was under. I just started bleeding and I didn't even know.
So I got clean and we left. He called a taxi for me and I returned to school because I still had some more classes for the day. On the way back, I was at an all time low. Not only because of the embarrassment but because it seemed like I was pining over someone who didn't want me. I know that may seem obvious but when you're in love with somebody, that's the last thing you want to accept.
As I got to school, I saw my best friend and I told him everything that had happen. He didn't judge me, not even for the bleeding. He wasn't in disgust or made me feel less than. That's the thing about him, he just listened. Before I went to "His" house, my best friend kept trying to talk me down but, the thing about me? Once I've made up my mind about something, I'm doing it.
I didn't talk to "Him", after that. I'd torture myself by constantly looking at his page, seeing what he was liking and who he was following. This went on for months. Everyday I woke with my mind just feeling completely sick. I was absolutely out of it and I was barely hanging on. Going to school was like a nightmare. There was nothing there for me, I hated everything. Why is it that when you lose that one person, everything else becomes shit? Nothing and I mean nothing at all matters. Is it me? Do I love too hard and attach too much?
A few weeks later, my best friend and I had to complete community service hours. We did this, along with some of our other classmates at the ministry of education. Upon arriving there the very first day, what caught all of our eyes, was the front desk clerk. He was extremely lightskin and really handsome. The other girls were pining, I mean I thought he was cute too. But, I wasn't interested. At all.
We went there every Wednesday, for about two to three hours. Upon our second visit there, the clerk approached me. He asked for my number and I can honestly say I was a little shocked. I mean I personally thought he'd go for one of our other classmates. She was really beautiful and had the curves of a model. But, here he was, asking for ol' slumpy's number. So I gave it to him, not because I was interested or anything. But, because I really believed that like the saying goes, "The best way to get over one guy, is to get on top of another". Or it might have been under, I don't know, you get what I'm trying to say.
I'm not gonna lie, I didn't really believe this. I just felt kind of embarrassed that it was going into a year and I was still hooked on one guy. A guy who didn't even want me. So, I was really just trying to force myself to move on. So we started talking and I got to know a little bit about him. Overall, he was a pretty sweet guy. Kind and caring. Ultimately a guy with some solid potential.
Another Wednesday had arrived, and there we were, present for community service. As we got there and went to our respective posts, the clerk called me to the side. Ultimately, I knew what he was going to say. He wanted to admit that he was interested in me and wanted to know my feelings on the situation. Being in the state that I was, as soon as he said the word, "Feelings", I shut it down. He tried his hardest to come out with it but I just played it off and ultimately kind of embarrassed him.
I felt a little embarrassed myself because I acted pretty immature with the whole situation. Here he was, open and honestly communicating and I just shot him straight to hell. Acting like I didn't know what the fuck he was talking about or what he was trying to say. I just couldnt help it, it was all just happening too fast. Nobody tells you that sometimes it doesn't just take days, or weeks or even months to get over somebody. Sometimes it takes years and sometimes you never get over them at all. You just learn to live without them.
I couldn't do what everybody else did. Just move on so easily as if that person never existed or that they never meant anything. It's never been in me to ignore my feelings. The only way to truly move on and heal is to allow yourself to feel. To feel all that your feeling and simply let it run through you. Ignoring and hiding your feelings only makes them get bigger. So much bigger that they start to fester inside you, developing into something worse. Ultimately, until it eats away at your insides and leaves you completely hollow.
After that, everytime we went back for community service, he'd pretty much avoid me. I felt really bad because he wouldn't even look at me. I tried pulling him to the side so that I could apologize and let him know why I responded the way I did. But, he never gave me the time of day. So, I just kept things professional and continued to do what I went there to do. As soon as I was finished, I went home and that was it.
If I'm being honest, sometimes the only thing that made things better, was my best friend. He was that person that was suffering just the same as I was. And we'd joke about our misery and pain and just laugh at it all together. We'd joke that our one collective braincell was really trying hard to keep us alive. Because by god we were hating life. Some days, that's the only time I'd laugh, when I was at school with my best friend.
So here we are, back to November. Me and "Him", had recently started talking again. As you might be able to tell, I was still hung up on him. We'd been talking but it wasn't anything deep, just casual conversation. A few nudes here and there. I don't know why I did these things, I guess in my mind, sex meant love. For me, I'm always existing between love interests. For me, love is the only thing that makes all of this worth it.
Don't bother judging me, I'm not the only one. Everyone uses a crutch, something to help get them through this shitty fucking existence. Something to lessen the dread of this life. For me it's love, another person. Someone with whom I can become completely immersed. It's a sick way of existing but what else is there? Sure, you can throw yourself into your work, into your religion, into your family. But, let's be honest, love comes our way and we ride that high. We ride that high until the wheels fall off. Then when it's gone, we chase it. Chase and chase until we can feel it again.
I had an uncle (no not that one), who a few years back met this lady. Now, my uncle was an absolute pain. He was loud, obnoxious, hateful, just a fucking grinch of a person. I used to hate being around him because he was just difficult to be around. He made everyone uncomfortable. So one day, he came over with his new girlfriend. Nice, short, sexy little thing. Believe me when I say, that the person she came with was a version of my uncle no one had ever seen. I'm talking pleasant, I'm talking happy, I'm talking just an absolute pleasure to be around.
And you know what? It didn't at all seem superficial. He genuinely seemed like a happier person. I never in my life imagined that this terror of a person could ever be so sweet. And that's what I'm talking about, the introduction of love into his life, made him change. Maybe that's what makes us the way we are, so completely fucked inside because there's no love in our lives. Maybe for people who have genuine, healthy love in their lives they aren't like this. But, for those of us who don't have anyone. The void in our lives is so great that every single second, is just pain.
So, here I was, alone dealing with my shit. As I locked all the doors, I sat on my bed and stared out the window. My mom's friend had called to check up on me earlier but in the moment I just felt alone. I reached out to Him, and the conversation led to the point where I was going to leave my house to go see him. I said ,"Do you want me to come see you?" And he said yes. I don't know if he was playing or what but that yes was all I needed. So I called a taxi but no one was going that way. So unfortunately, I couldn't go anywhere. That may have been a blessing in disguise because I don't really think he wanted me to come. I was just so wound up that I wanted any excuse to not be in the house or alone.
Up until now, I still hadn't spoken to my mom. I just kept telling her that the internet wasn't working so that's why I couldn't call. I'd text her that everything was okay and that I was alright. I knew if she called me, I'd probably break down so I just did my best to avoid talking at all. If I'm being honest, I didn't really want to talk to anyone anyways. Nor see anyone. The only person I wanted to be around at the time, was him.
In the days that followed, I kept asking him to come spend some time with me at my house. He'd always find an excuse as to why he couldn't come. Until, eventually one day he said okay. Keep in mind that I practically had to beg him. Now, you can imagine how fucking low I had to be, to beg a somewhat complete stranger, to come stay with me. I ended up telling him what had happened with my uncle and I guess that's what finally made him change his mind. I just didn't know who else to turn to. I knew I couldn't stay on my own because I felt afraid all the time. I just needed a presence there with me that I felt I could trust. Someone to help me feel protected and safe.
I left work around 5:00 pm and I told him to meet me at the taxi stand. As I approached it, I saw him standing there, waiting for me. It had been quite a while since I last saw him. He looked just the same, a little tired but nothing extreme. The last time I saw him was one afternoon when I was coming home from school. As I got to the stoplight, I saw him exiting a taxi. He didn't see me but oh man, did I see him. Seeing him for the first time in months felt like my soul had returned. For the first in a really long time, I could breathe again.
I wanted to run across the street and shout and do something for him to notice me. But, I didn't. He walked to the other side of the street and that was it. The last I saw of him. I went home and wrote all my feelings in a text. Explaining that by simply seeing him, how I felt alive again. Needless to say, he didn't respond. I felt like shit. I kept hoping for something that just wasn't gonna come. I had been through heartache before but man oh man, I'd never gone through anything like this. I didn't know how to deal with it at all.
As I got closer to him, he stared at me like it was the first time he'd ever seen me in his life. We exchanged greetings and got on our way.  We made it home and as we got in, the first thing we did as you can imagine, was have sex. Afterwards, we laid in bed and he went to sleep. He had put on some music to play from his phone. It made him sleep like a baby but I couldn't sleep a wink. I can't sleep with any kind of noise.
So I got up and decided to make dinner. I made pasta and when he woke up, we ate it and watched TV. I'm not gonna lie, it was pretty nice. I had never lived with someone before and if I'm being honest, I loved it. I never thought of myself as a domestic but I was a natural. I cooked for him, washed his clothes and kept the house clean all while I went to work during the days. I didn't mind because it all kept me distracted and busy. He was in the process of getting a job so I was basically providing for us both.
I've never been the kind of person who demands that a man makes a certain amount of money or that he should be able to give me certain things in order for me to be with him. I've always just thought that as long as he's willing to work and has ambition, the two of us can grow together. Helping each other. The only requirement I've ever had is that there should be love. That the person I'm with is able to show me genuine love. This has been the most difficult thing to acquire in every relationship I've ever had. In this life, it is easier for a man to shower you with money and gifts than his own heart.
While he was there with me, I can't actually say that I felt anything. He wasn't affectionate and he was pretty cold most of the time, keeping his emotions and feelings reserved. I mean I didn't expect to be treated like his girlfriend or anything but I thought I'd at least get some kind of warmth from him. Even when we slept, he'd never cuddle me or even hug me. But, he'd sleep close to me. After staying with me the first day, it just became a habit. I mean he came over one day and never left. Sometimes I'd go to work and leave him at home on his own. No matter how cold he was to me, I stuck it out. I thought that it was better to have him there than to not have anyone there at all.
As time went on, he began treating me somewhat like his girlfriend. When his friends would call and ask where he was, he'd say he's at his girls house. He'd start staying with me for weeks in end. He'd cook for us and he'd always leave wherever he was, to come home to me at the end of the day. I guess I was delusional but, it was better than losing my mind to trauma.
One day we were home together and I was at an awfully low point. I began drinking. I took a bottle of vodka and just chugged what I could. In my drunken state, I decided to go clean the bathroom. Halfway through, there was an old bulb that I had left on the top of the shelf. Somehow it fell out of my hand and broke from me. I started crying hysterically and tried picking up the pieces with my bare hands. In the middle of this, he came in the bathroom to tell me that the food was ready, as he'd been cooking.
Seeing me crying, he carefully took me up, taking the broken pieces out of my hand. He took me to the bedroom and made me lay down. He went back to the bathroom and continued to clean up the broken glass. As he left me in the bed, I got up shortly and went for the rest of the vodka. I drank some more and laid down on the couch outside. I was blasting music and crying. At one point I made a really bad turn and fell off the couch. I dropped straight to the floor but I was so drunk, I didn't even feel it. I think I even started laughing.
Still in a depressive rage, I decided it was time to go tackle him. So I got inside the room where he was and had at him. I cussed him out and told him everything that I had to say. Including all the times I tried reaching out to him and that he never responded. How my life was hell and that I was completely in love with him and that all he did was ignore me. I let it all out. I held nothing back.
During my entire rant, he was completely calm and collected. He didn't even engage with me. I think he just thought that I was drunk and that the best thing for him to do was to just let me talk. And, that's exactly what he did. When he did say something, it was very gentle. Then when I realized that I wasn't getting anywhere, I went and got the vodka bottle again and chugged a few more rounds. I passed out on the bed for a little and when I woke up, the vodka bottle was nowhere in sight and neither was he. Just stating for the record, I woke up because I fell off the bed.
So, I walked around the house, looking for him and the vodka, (mostly the vodka, it was my last bottle). I found him in the TV room and as I got there, the first thing that came out of my mouth was, "Where's my vodka?". He responded saying that he didn't know. Even in my drunken state, probably more so, I knew he was lying. But, nevertheless I'm always one to take responsibility. So I thought maybe I had left it somewhere. I went back through all the rooms, starting with the last place I had it but unfortunately, it wasn't anywhere to be found.
I went back to where he was and demanded that he give me the bottle. He still maintained that he didn't have it and that I should give the drinking a break anyways. So I went and sat in one of the other couches, staring into the ceiling. He got up to go to the bathroom shortly after and as soon as he did, I went over to where he was sitting. Wouldn't you know it, in the crevice of the couch, stood my vodka bottle.
I quickly took it up and went back over to the other side of the room and continued drinking. When he came back from the bathroom, he saw that I had found the bottle. He didn't say anything, he just shook his head and sat back down. I stopped drinking after a while then went to sit beside him. This was about a couple hours later. After sitting beside him for a while, he now decided that he wanted a drink.
He kept asking me to drink with him but you think he'd realize that because I was drinking all day, that if I drank anymore I would have literally projectile vomited. So I had to reject his offer and he kept telling me that he was trying to vibe with me but I was breaking it cause I refused to drink. Whatever man, if I even drank a sip more of alcohol, I would've died.
At this point, I was pretty much sober. All the alcohol had basically evaporated from my body. He however, continued to drink. Around 11:00 pm, I went to take a shower. When I came back into the bedroom, he wasn't there. I looked in the other bathroom and there he was. From outside the door, I heard him retching. As I pushed the door open, I heard a "thud" and as I went inside, I found him passed out on the floor.
My heart raced because I thought he had hit his head and that he was hurt. I got down on the floor and lifted his upper body, his head laid against my chest and I tried getting him to come too. Thankfully, he was okay and as I started talking to him, he woke up. I helped him up off the floor and basically carried him to the bedroom.
As we got to the bedroom, I went and grabbed a basin in case he needed to throw up again. Lucky thing I did, because a few minutes later, he started to retch again. As I tried to help him, he kept pushing me away. At one point he looked at me and said, "Don't fucking touch me" and I listened. I had never seen him like this before. I guess in all my sorrow I didn't see that he was going through something as well.
He eventually felt better and I wiped off his face and helped him get into bed. As we went off to sleep that night, I decided that I would calm down on the drinking. Seeing him there, passed out on the floor, not knowing if he was dead or alive, really woke me up. I never wanted to see him like that again, so I made a vow to stay away from liquor. Especially when he was there.
December
As time went on, the relationship between the two of us really started to get better. After mommy came home, I didn't really allow him to stay over or come over at all. Not because I was ashamed or anything but because I knew that the relationship wasn't stable. I didn't want to introduce my family to someone that I wasn't sure was going to last. So, whenever we wanted to see each other, I'd go over to his house.
Everything was fine, I mean I was working with it. He wasn't working and he didn't have any money so I didn't expect much, but somehow things still felt off. I went to run an errand for my boss one day and as I stood waiting to get through, I heard some love songs blasting from across the street. As I stood listening to the music, the realization popped into my mind that I didn't feel the feelings that the people in the songs were singing. I don't know if that makes sense but basically, I didn't feel that love that they were singing about.
Now I'm not saying that I expected or wanted to feel some kind of fairy tale romance or love but, I've always believed in deep connection. And, I knew that there had to be more than this. This could not be the great love of my life. From that moment on, I kinda just came to accept that maybe he wasn't the one for me. In the weeks that followed, things would slowly start to deteriorate.
I'd still make every effort for us to work but, as usual, I was the only one trying. Things came to a head when I'd text or call him and I wouldn't get an answer for hours or days. This ultimately led me to believe what we're all thinking. That there's someone else. Still, I continued to try but all my efforts felt pretty useless. When he did text me, his words were far and few. When I'd ask if I could come see him, he'd tell me he was busy or come up with some excuse. So at one point, I just stopped asking all together.
January
It was around 6:00 pm, New Years Eve. My boss made me stay late to finish some work that she forgot about and threw it on me last minute. Needless to say, I was pissed. But, nevertheless I stayed behind and got it done. When I was finished, I locked up the place and left. As I was walking to go to the taxi stand, he called me. I ignored the first call. He called me again and I ignored that as well. I picked up on the third try, rather angrily I might add.
"Yes?!", I answered.
"Hey", he responded.
"What is it?"
"Nothing, I just called because I missed you".
"Ok..", I said, rather confused.
"I'm getting in a taxi now so later", I added.
"Okay get home safely", he said, as I hung up.
I wasn't in any mood to speak to him. He'd been ignoring me for god knows how long and then on top of that my bitch of a boss forced me to stay late. I was just really upset and didn't have anything to say to him. As I got to the taxi stand, it was so late that all the taxi's had already stopped working for the day. I was stranded, so I called my mom to see if my cousin's girlfriend could come pick me up. They came over to ring in the new year with us. My cousin, his girlfriend, my uncle and you.
I had recently started driving lessons, so when my cousins girlfriend and my mom came to get me, I asked if I could drive us home. As I got to the house and was trying to park, the car kept jumping forward because the gas pedal was so sensitive. I didn't know when to stop, so it just kept jumping forward and I looked like I didn't know what the hell I was doing. We all came out the car dying of laughter. As I walked into the house, there you were.
You sat opposite my cousin, on the other side of the table. I walked in and greeted my cousin first, hugging him. Then, I came over to you and hugged you while you were sitting. Going in, I wasn't sure if I should've hugged you or if you wanted me to. The last time we spoke, it ended on a sour note so I was a little apprehensive. To my surprise however, you seemed to like it. You embraced me back as a matter of fact.
In the few short months that passed since I last saw you, you got pretty muscular. Nothing crazy, but you had definitely gotten bigger. As I hugged you, I felt something. Like there was something inside you pulling me towards you. After we hugged, I went straight inside to shower and change my clothes. While inside, I couldn't stop thinking about you. Just seeing you made my mind go crazy.
As we all gathered outside, we sat drinking and singing along to music. I got a little too tipsy and this led me to-  I'm having a hard time writing this. How do you go on when everyday you wake up and all you can do is think about someone who isn't there anymore? I mean you're trying your best to function and do what you can but everything just feels like a fucking drag. Everyday is the same and I have to fight this feeling of wanting to give up. I want to believe that there are better days ahead and something better is coming but my mind refuses to stay convinced. I miss you and not having you around makes me feel like my insides are being cut up.
Everything I do, everywhere I go, I think of you. I guess that's the downside of being with someone whom you did everything with. I go out to eat, all I can think about is how much you'd like the food here. I buy a slice of cheesecake for myself, all I can think about is how we used to eat this together. I try to exist everyday without you and it fucking tears me apart. You became such a presence in my life that your absence makes me feel void. Not being able to talk to you is the worse of it all. Because I'm constantly wanting to tell you things. Things only you'd get.
Anyways, so I got really drunk. With another romantic failure on the way and the pressure of work and life overall, I drank. And as I drank, the closer I moved to you. You didn't shy away from me, you were just as interested as I was. Maybe even more. You stayed close to me throughout the entire night, holding me in front of everyone. You had never slow danced with a girl before and yet you held me like you'd done it a million times.
As we stared into each other's eyes, something came alive within us. I had never felt such an attraction towards someone before and I'm not talking about feelings. I'm talking about a physical pull. As we sat back down, you sat beside me on the arm of the chair. I said something to you and you laughed, I don't remember what it is that I said but you liked it. You liked it so much that you kept staring into my eyes and even put your hands around my neck at one point. Like you wanted to choke me, in a good way.
I wasn't used to this, I didn't really like the idea of choking. So, I kind of moved out of the way as you were about to touch me. I jokingly asked, "What're you doing?". You realized I wasn't into it so you stopped. My uncle saw this but he didn't really say anything. It was kind of awkward but we didn't let it ruin the night. Apart of me always knew that you were trouble, so I was hesitant to get involved with you.
As the night went on, 12:00 am arrived and we rang it in as loudly as possible. My mom gave me a hammer and pot cover to hold for her and I accidentally broke the cover in half. I was too excited, I mean you couldn't expect me not to hit that bitch as hard as I possibly could. It was all about having fun and fun we had indeed. My cousins boyfriend even fired off a few shots into the night. Then, when everything started to calm down, the liquor in all of us made us extremely hungry.
I went into the kitchen and you came along with me. As I got the food, I walked over to the microwave and popped it in. You followed behind me, the lights were off for some reason. As we stood there waiting for the food, we both kept rubbing up on each other, fighting the urge to kiss. The intensity was something I had never felt before, not even with,"Him". We kept fighting and fighting it, but the closer he came to me, the more his scent drove me crazy. His cologne smelled so fucking good.
The final move towards me was the weakening blow. You grabbed my waist and pulled me in, my hands pushed against your chiseled chest in an effort to force you away. It was useless, I was already caught. In the ambient light, I looked up at you. You stared back into my eyes and slowly, our lips met. The first kiss was like a fire being lit inside me, I could feel the wetness running down my legs. With each kiss we tried to stop but it was too late. It felt so good, it felt too good.
You gently sucked on my lips and kissed me like I was so soft and delicate. After the first kiss, you held me and said, "You taste so good". That single line made me weak in the knees, it made my entire body melt. After hearing that, I wanted to ravage you. My eyes widened and I felt like I wanted to attack you right there and then. If it wasn't for my cousin who came into the kitchen, we wouldn't have stopped.
We paused for the time being, trying to regain our composure. Every room in the house was occupied so there was nowhere we could go to be alone. After a while, we ended up in the TV room where my uncle was sleeping on the couch. It was a really big room, so he was on one side and we were on the other. I came and sat on your lap. We started kissing again. The feel of your tongue down my throat made my pussy scream. I could feel your cock getting hard, pushing up against my pussy, begging for me to let you in.
I couldn't take it anymore, I kept whispering in your ear, "I wanna fuck". You wanted it too but you were worried that my uncle was hearing us from the other side of the room. So, you took me by the hand and we went back outside. We looked all around, trying to find a place. It was around 3:00 am now so everybody was asleep. We didn't have a room, so I thought one place would be perfect. The kitchen floor. We had a big table in the middle so if anybody even walked by, they wouldn't be able to see us in the dark.
You were pretty drunk as well so you left me to go to the bathroom and put a condom on. I sat waiting patiently outside, and as you came out, I took your hand and led you to the kitchen. I got on the floor and laid down. You came over me and slowly, we started kissing again. With each kiss, I wanted you more and more. The light piercing through from the window above us, made you look like an angel. The most handsome angel I had ever seen..
As we continued kissing, I pulled my shorts down. You pulled my panties to the side and slowly eased your cock inside of me. With each push, I went further and further into ecstasy. As you went deeper inside me, you held me and kept kissing me constantly. In that moment, you made me feel like the most precious thing in the world. As I took all of you inside me, the pleasure I began feeling was immeasurable. I begged you to fuck me harder. I wanted to feel all of your cock as deep inside me as I possibly could.
With no hesitation, you gave me what I wanted and I felt as though I was in heaven. You drove me crazy, with each thrust my moans grew louder. So much so that you had to cover my mouth with your hand. That only made the fire in me burn hotter. I started to bite the palm of your hand and as you released me, I slowly took your fingers inside my mouth and sucked on them. Sucking your fingers drove you crazy, you began pounding my pussy and I loved it. I could feel my juices going all over you.
As you continued to make love to me, I couldn't help myself. I wanted to moan louder and louder because I was feeling so much pleasure. I made too much noise. We could see someone coming so we decided to stop. We carefully got dressed and hid until the coast was clear. When it was, we got up and went back outside. It was getting really late and I had work in the morning, so we decided to part ways for the night. You placed your hands onto my face and held it. You stared deeply into my eyes. Then, you placed your lips onto mine, giving me the sweetest kiss my lips had ever tasted. After, you held me in your arms, hugging me as if you never wanted to ever let me go. I wrapped my arms around you and in that single hug, I felt so much warmth.
As we let go, you kissed me on my forehead, wishing me a good night. We both went to bed smiling from ear to ear that night. In the morning, I felt a little uneasy because even though he had been ignoring me, I still felt a strange sense of loyalty to "Him". I had never juggled two guys before or moved on quickly, so all this was new to me. I didn't quite know how to handle it. I did know however, that irrespective of whatever kind of unorthodox relationship "Him" and I had, I still needed to allow myself the proper time to heal.
As I got dressed and ready for work, I stepped outside and the first person I saw, was you. That day, I wore a beautiful white blouse along with my gold hoop earrings. Everyone was staring at me when I came out, including you. You stared at me like it was the first time you'd ever seen me in your life. You came up to me and whispered in my ear, "You look so pretty". I blushed all the way from here to China.
With a big smile on my face, I got my things and headed out to work. Now, it was new years day and I really didn't want to be at work but I went nevertheless. While I was there, I couldn't stop thinking about you and what had happened last night. It was wild and spontaneous, it was something I had never done before.
When I got home that night, I saw you and it looked like you had been waiting for me to return all day. I was a little tired from work (and only getting about 3 hours of sleep from the night before), so I kept to myself for most of the night. Later on, when everyone went to bed, you stayed up and we sat outside together. I wanted to go to bed early so as I was leaving you grabbed me and held me close to you. As you stared into my eyes you kissed me slowly. As we kissed, you asked me, "Do you kiss everyone like that?" To which I responded "no".
You smiled and continued to kiss me. As the intensity grew, you slipped your hand in my panties and started playing with my pussy. I was sober so I can honestly say I wasn't very sexually charged. As he did this, it turned me off a bit. As I mentioned previously, I can't just have sex randomly. I need to form an emotional connection first. Without it, I literally cannot engage in sex (unless I'm shit faced which we proved the night before). But, even so, it's not my first time being drunk like that and I'd never wanted to or engaged in such spontaneous sex. I can honestly say that even if I wasn't drunk, I would have still craved you.
So, as you kissed me again, I pulled away. I told you that I was really tired and that I needed to get some sleep. You hugged me and I went off to bed. I don't know, somehow I just wasn't feeling it. Something felt off. I liked you I really did but that's the thing about me. I can't move on until I've given myself the necessary time to heal. So, even if I did see you as a potential, I'd still need time to make space for you in my life and my heart.
The weeks following would prove just that. Everything went to hell at the end of January. I left my job because I couldn't juggle it and school at the same time. One night while I was home, I was still getting mixed signals from "Him" , about where we were at. So, I called him and when he answered, I don't know how to describe it but you know that feeling you get when you know something's over? Or when you know something's going on and that it's time to give up and let go? That's what I felt when he answered. He was very standoffish and hostile.
So, I ultimately made the decision that it was time to put an end to it. I sent him a message saying that it was better if we stayed out of each other's lives. To which he agreed. I was torn up, I'm not gonna lie. Deep down, the only thing I have ever wanted in this life was a companion. With every person I get in a relationship with, I do so in hopes of having a lasting companionship. But, these days, no one wants that. Everybody's after money, fame, status. Nothing's wrong with that but that's just not what I want.
So for the months that followed, I made up my mind that I would give myself sometime before trying to move on. I thought that three months would be a good mark. If I could get through three months without him, then I'd be able to move on with my life. And, that's what I did. I did everything I could think of to keep myself distracted and occupied. The urges came many times for me to try and text him, to try and work it out, again. But, I fought them. I knew that even if he did come back to me right now, nothing would be different. Change comes with time, if ever at all.
Before I decided to call it quits with, "Him". You had texted me one day when I was at work. You began asking me if I was interested in you and if I wanted to move forward with you. I told you that I wasn't interested in a relationship right now but that any girl would be lucky to have you. You weren't very enthused, you told me that you started developing real feelings for me. I told you that I just needed some time and that maybe one day, we could start something. You agreed and I didn't really maintain regular contact with you after that. I didn't want to lead you on.
February
Still trying to heal my wounded heart and soul, you texted me out of the blue one day. It was the first week of February and somehow you thought it would be a good idea to send me pictures from a date you had. I didn't understand your motive or logic behind it but I played along. I asked you how it went and if you felt any connection. I even complemented your date. When I spoke to you so indifferently, it shook you. You weren't expecting that reaction from me. I could tell you were expecting, even wanting, me to be jealous. Perhaps even throw a fit of rage. I did neither.
Like I said, I was hesitant in getting involved with you. It was painfully obvious that you were still very young and immature. After not getting the response you wanted, we didn't talk again for about a week. The next contact would be the day after Valentine's. You messaged me again, showing me pictures of the girl, or rather girls, you had spent the day with. They were twins you had known since childhood and you claimed it was just a friendly day hanging with friends. I didn't bat an eye because, honestly I saw through your little game.
You told me that you wanted to spend Valentine's day with me and that you were planning to do like a little virtual date. I can't lie, I thought that was really sweet. I didn't really mind that you were seeing other girls because honestly, I had no right to be mad. I wasn't your girl, we weren't together and I was the one who didn't want to take things any further with you. So, I understood. What I didn't understand however, was why you didn't spend Valentine's day with that nice girl you went on a date with.
I mean it had only been a week. You said you guys had a fun time and that you felt some kind of connection, so what happened? Why were you just jumping from one girl to the next. I didn't really care to look into it. I was focusing on healing and moving on with my life, so I didn't want to corrupt my mind with whatever it is you were doing. So, the months carried on and we talked here and there but nothing serious.
April
We were two weeks into April and it had been three months since, "Him" and I parted ways. I didn't feel attached to him anymore nor did I have any feelings for him but, there was still a part of me that, I don't know, thought of him. I mean I didn't want him back but still, he was on my mind. It was coming up on my cousins birthday, she had planned to come over with everybody and spend the weekend at my house. I knew you would be coming as well.
The day before they arrived, I could feel it in my entire body, what was going to happen. Back to what I had mentioned earlier, how you know when something's going to happen between you and someone else, even before it happens. You might be thinking that I planned it but, I can assure you, when it comes on to me, I force nothing. I don't try to make anything happen. Whatever happens, does so by destiny. I like it that way because then, I know it was meant to happen.
I was pretty excited to see you, I'm not gonna lie. I was really starting to like you. When everyone came over the following day, I was so shocked when I saw you. You had gotten even more muscular. I'm talking insanely big. I wasn't really a fan of it, I never really liked muscular guys. I don't know, it just never did it for me. But, you looked really good regardless. I couldn't say that I was attracted to you however. As we all know, I need the emotional connection and if that's not there, then no matter how good you look, I'll never like you.
What made me like you in the first place was that incredible smile that you had. I had never seen a man look so beautiful. When you smiled, there was so much warmth being exuded. That's really what caught my eyes. Then what made me begin to like you was in fact your personality. Yes, you might still have been a bit immature but on paper, you seemed really kind and sweet and caring. Someone that was trustworthy and honest. And, I liked that about you.
The day you guys left to go home back in January, I gave you the tightest hug of your entire life and you loved it. I could tell you felt love for me. You would go on to text my mother, you guys seemed to have casual conversations from time to time, not sure why but hey. I was doing something for her on her phone one day and I came across the chat. Curiosity got the best of me and I opened it.
She said to you, "When you find love, you'll feel it".
To which you responded, "Like what I feel when I hug her (meaning me)?"
I never knew you felt so deeply about me, I honestly just thought it was a silly crush. Seeing this gave me a whole new level of confidence. Once again, my hope for love was alive and well. Once. Again.
As we all got ready to celebrate my cousin's birthday, things were pretty calm between us. We greeted each other well but, we didn't really talk much. As the day went on, I'd habitually catch myself staring at you. I tried not to make it obvious, you didn't seem to notice anyways cause I don't think you even looked in my direction all day. Or maybe you did but I just didn't see. Around 10:00 pm, we all decided to get some chairs and put them outside. We all sat under the stars playing never have I ever. I sat beside you and threw my leg over you. You didn't mind at all.
When we started playing truth or dare, you kept trying to get me to do outrageous dares. But, I kept decling and simply took the shot instead. We all had a lot of fun that night. As you got up to go to the bathroom, about five minutes later, I went inside also. As you came from the bathroom, I took you by the hand and led you to the bathroom on the other side of the house. Let me state for the record, I was drunk. Not wasted or anything, I was still thinking clearly and pretty conscious of my decisions.
As we got to the bathroom, I left the light off, so no one would know we were there. Which in hindsight, was probably a stupid idea, cause no one would've guessed we were inside and would've probably walked in, unsuspecting. Nobody did however. You and I stood at the door and things were hot between us. We wanted each other so fucking badly. The more drunk flirting we did, the hornier we got. We started kissing and if you could've fucked me right there and then, you would've. You wanted to, you wanted to tear my panties off and push your stiff cock deep inside me.
We craved each other with every fibre of our being. As we continued to kiss, you wanted to take things further but I had to come out with it. I told you that it was "that" time of the month so we couldn't do anything. We kissed even more and you had to fight everything in you to not ravage me. Momentarily, my cousin came in the house calling me but, we continued to hide. She left after a while and that was when we decided it was time to go back outside.
For the rest of the night, we continued to lust after each other. At one point, when it was just me and you sitting outside, you turned around and started facing me. As you did, I moved closer to you and we started to sneak a few kisses before anybody came back outside. Your lips tasted so sweet, I couldn't begin to tell you just how much I wanted you. Your smell made it even harder, so goddamn intoxicating.
Later that night, after everyone had finally decided to stop damaging their livers and go to bed, you and I stayed outside for a bit. We wanted a little privacy so we went into the laundry room. As we got inside, I hugged you. Being held by you eased all my troubles. As you continued to hold me, I couldn't keep it inside anymore. I broke down, telling you about all the shit that had been happening to me.
I cried, telling you about how my mom wanted me to get married to some guy abroad so that I could move there and get my papers. I cried, telling you how much I wish she would just leave me the fuck alone and let me live my life. I cried, telling you just how much I wish she'd stop pressuring me because I couldn't fucking take it anymore. As I cried and cried, for some reason I'm still not sure of, you began crying too. Seeing the tears fall from your eyes made something in my soul come alive. No one in my life had ever cried for me like that before. It genuinely seemed like you felt all the pain and hurt that I was going through in that moment.
As the second tear fell from your eye, you turned away and wiped your face, trying to play off the fact that you were crying. When I saw this, I took your face tenderly in my hand and turned it back towards me. "Why are you crying?", I asked, as I wiped the tears from your eyes. "It hurts me to see you in pain", you answered. That night, being with you, made me feel so safe and protected. That night is what changed my mind completely about you. That night is what made me choose you.
In that single moment, I was so enamored with you. I felt so much love, so much connection. Never in my life had I ever felt so close to someone. Overcome with emotions, we started to kiss. These kisses were like none before. The raw intensity and emotion could be felt in every one. Never in my life had I wanted you to make love to me more. You asked me if I wanted to kiss your dick. I had never done it before but my pussy was throbbing and I really wanted to please you.
So, I got down on my knees and slowly I started to unbuckle your pants. I was struggling a little so you helped me. As I got it open, I could see your stiff cock underneath your boxers and it made my pussy get even wetter. I pulled your underwear down a bit and gently, I placed a kiss on your cock. I looked up at you and I could see the desire in your eyes. So, I continued kissing your cock all over. After the third kiss, I looked up at you and smiled. You smiled back at me and rubbed my cheek with your thumb, as if you were admiring me.
You lifted me back up and hugged me, as you did, I could feel your cock pressing up against me. I loved feeling your body on mine, I wanted so much more but as we all know, I couldn't. You were always so sweet in our partings, you'd always make me feel as though you didn't want me to leave. As we stood there, ready to go our separate ways, you held my face again, like you've done before. Tenderly, you kissed me, and as we were about to part, you gave me one final kiss on my forehead, cementing your affection. I went off that night feeling so much warmth. I truly felt cared for.
As the next day arrived, we didn't really talk much. I'd notice that you'd hardly speak to me and that you'd rarely, if at all, even look at me. I wasn't used to this, every crush I had up until now always stared at me non-stop. I didn't really pay much attention or think too much of it. Honestly, I didn't mind keeping things on the down low. I didn't really want my family knowing so early on. Furthermore, I didn't know if you and I were going anywhere so that made me want to keep it a secret even more. All I know, is that I couldn't wait for it to be night-time so that we could be alone together. What made it even better, was that my period was finished, so I was free to fuck once again.
Just to pause for a second, it's extremely difficult for me to sit here and write about this. What's hurting me the most, is thinking back to a time when things were good. Back to a time when I was wanted so much, cared for so much, loved so much. And now? All it does is bring me nothing but pain and regret. I mean, no matter how much I tried, I still wonder, did I try enough? What did I do wrong? How could I have made it better? It's a sick feeling in my stomach and I wish it would all just go away. I gave so much and here I am, worse than a shell of a former person. I don't see any light in sight. I fear that this damage is irreparable and that this time, I won't be able to save myself.
As the night fell, we had to wait for everyone to go to sleep before we were able to do our thing. Unfortunately for us, they didn't go to sleep until 3:00 am and so, we had to occupy ourselves in the meantime. In those days, we sat outside watching south park together. Sometimes I'd lean back into you and other times we'd switch it around and you'd lean back into me. I cherished those moments, I never had that type of intimacy before. To just be with someone who I could watch stuff with or just hang out.
Looking back, I never had this with anyone, in the times I'd spend with them, majority of it was spent having sex. Then, the remainder of the relationship would be based fully over the phone. Time spent texting, not even really calling. There was no point where I spent genuine time with any of them. I don't know, I guess I just wasn't interested in actually investing myself in them.  Tell you the truth, I just never really saw myself with anybody. So, I decided that hey, what's the point of planting the tree, if I'm not gonna stick around for the fruit. But, I don't know, something about you from the very beginning sparked a difference in me.
As 3:30 am came around, the last person that was up finally went to bed. You turned to me and asked me something you already knew the answer to. You looked into my eyes, teasing me saying, "Do you want some cock?". I smiled, nodding my head yes. You took me by the hand and we went into the room you were staying in. As we got inside, you shut the door and immediately we started kissing. You slid your tongue down my throat and sucked on my lips. Then, slowly you kissed your way down to my breasts. You started caressing them, playing with my nipples. Then, you placed your mouth on my nipple and started sucking my breast.
Feeling your warm mouth gently sucking on my nipples made my pussy soaking wet. I wanted you, I needed you inside me. I reached my hand down to your cock and started massaging it through your pants. I could feel that your dick was rock hard already. As I continued to touch your cock, you started to undress me, taking my top off fully so that you could suck both my breasts. As you sucked on me, I could feel your hand moving towards my pussy. As you got to it, you spread my legs and slid your hand inside my panties. You started playing with my pussy, rubbing my clit to make me want you even more.
When you felt how wet I was, slowly, you started to finger me. Gently, you pushed your finger back and forth, getting my pussy ready for your cock. As you continued to finger me, I wanted to come right there and then. As you felt my pussy getting wetter, you decided it was time for something else.
You took your pants off and reached into your bag for a condom. As you were finished, you started kissing me again, then you gently laid me on my back. As we continued kissing, you got on top of me. I could tell you were a little inexperienced but I didn't mind, I thought it was cute. It was dark in the room so you had a little difficulty putting it in. So, I reached down and helped you to find it. As you got there, you slowly started to thrust your hips, gently forcing your cock inside me, stretching my tight pussy apart. Feeling you inside me was ecstasy. The deeper you went, the wetter you made my pussy. So wet, that the condom almost slid off.
I tried my best to be quiet, but feeling your big, stiff cock going in and out of my pussy made me want to scream. I had to continue kissing you to keep my moans down. In the darkness of the room, the moonlight shone through the window. As it did, your beautiful eyes stared into mine. I had never been so completely consumed by someone. Everything about you was intoxicating, your smile, your eyes, your lips, the way your body felt pressed up against mine and your scent. I never knew a man could smell so good nor did I care for colognes until I met you. When you came along, everything changed for me.
After a good session, you finally came. As you did, you pulled your pants up and laid your head on my chest. As we laid there for a bit, we started talking, about every and anything. But, all that was on my mind was going again. I never craved sex like this before, usually I never really even enjoyed it. Whenever I had sex with other guys, afterwards I would feel this kind of low or hollow feeling. I can't describe it but it felt as though something had been taken from me and it left me feeling empty.
I'd often feel incredibly sad and hurt afterwards and it's nothing that any of the guys did, it was just how I felt. But, being with you? I never felt that way. I never felt like you took a part of me away. Being with you made me feel whole. Being with you made me feel everything that I had ever wanted to feel. I think a big part of it was as well, was that when we'd finish, you'd always come and hold me. You never just left me alone. You'd continue to hug and kiss me and ensure that I was okay. I loved that.
After the first round, you were exhausted. I mean it was almost 4:00 am so that was fair. But, I couldn't help myself. I started kissing you and as I felt you getting turned on again, I begged you to fuck me. You were a little hesitant because you didn't want anyone to walk in on us but, after I said, "Please daddy", it was over. You fought through the tiredness and gave me another amazing round.
When we finished, we went back outside. I went into the bathroom first and got cleaned up and after I was finished, you went ahead. I sat outside and waited for you to come back. When you came back, to no one's surprise, you lifted me up and hugged me. You stared into my eyes and kissed me, on my lips and on my forehead. I don't think anyone on earth smiled brighter than I did that night. You gave me one final kiss and we said goodnight. I went to my bedroom and you stood there, waiting to see me off.
The next day I awoke feeling something I had never felt before; bliss. Now, when you hear people talk about bliss, it's usually in the context of some bullshit spiritual nonsense. But, I assure you friends, what I felt that day, was no bullshit. And, before you ask, no it wasn't the amazingly filthy goddamn sex I had the night before. This was something pure, beautiful, it felt as though there was no pain or misery or suffering in life. Like there never was. Like anything bad didn't exist.  It felt weightless.
As I sat there, relishing this feeling, I couldn't help but wonder why I was feeling this way. Being that my family was here, I assumed that that was the reason. I convinced myself that having the love and warmth of family around made everything feel better. That this, is what brought on this great feeling of bliss. I was sure this was the reason because I didn't have much family around growing up. I never had that warm loving household. So being around them really made me believe that their presence was the answer.
I'd come to realize soon after, that although the presence of family is strong, it is not what caused these feelings. Around 2:00 pm in the afternoon, my mom got a call from one of her long time friends. She answered the phone hysterically, asking if it was true that one of my cousins had died. Completely unaware of what the hell she was talking about, my mom quickly shut that down, telling her that she didn't hear of anything like that. My mom's friend told her to call my cousins family and find out exactly what happened, and so she did.
She called his sister and as she picked up, all that could be heard was screaming and crying. We didn't need to ask, it's obvious that what my mom's friend said was true. It hit like a fucking truck. It wasn't even just two weeks ago that we saw him, we didn't even know that he was sick or that he was in the hospital. Two weeks ago he was his regular self; loud, boisterous, speeding up the driveway like it was a race track. So, to hear that the one person who kept in contact with us and who still made us feel like we were apart of the family, was suddenly no more? Yeah, there's no comprehending that. It was just two weeks, two weeks. We even heard from him a couple days before.
About two or three years back, I went over to my cousin's house (different cousin). I was taking an exam in town, so I stayed with her and her husband because it was closer. After I took the exam and was leaving the following day, her husband came up to me, he had made dinner. He asked, "Aren't you going to eat before you leave?". I was getting a ride back home and they were outside waiting so I had to decline the offer. I told him that when I came back again, I'd be sure to eat and he shouldn't worry cause I wasn't hungry.
As I said this, I playfully placed my hand on his belly and patted it. As I did so, I felt myself take a huge gulp. When I touched his belly, I felt something. It was an indescribable feeling. It was a feeling that shook me and made everything go quiet. It was a hollow feeling that felt like a warning. It made me feel like something was coming, something bad but, I just didn't know what. I paid no mind to it and left anyways. I thought maybe I was just overthinking and tired from the long weekend. I was also a little stressed from the exam, so I thought maybe it was just anxiety and fatigue.
You know before I left, I swear you'd think this was something out of the movies, but you know that look that you see on someone's face right before something bad happens? Like that final exchange between two people where one says see you later but you know you're not seeing them later? I saw that, I saw it in his eyes and I didn't know in the moment exactly what it was but it was something.
The next day I was back home. We got a call in the middle of the night. Somehow, as they got on the highway, the van that they were in, flipped. He and two other guys were in the vehicle. The two guys sustained some injuries but, sadly he didn't make it out. When I heard the news, I got this sick feeling in my stomach. I didn't know how to process it. I entertained the idea that the feeling I got when I touched his belly, was the feeling of death. But, yet again, I brushed it off because I thought that one time wasn't enough to prove anything.
Furthermore, I didn't want to believe that what I felt was actually death. I was in a state of shock because less than 24 hours ago, this person was alive, happy and smiling. All of it just made me very uneasy. I've felt a lot of things in my life, things that most people will never experience both good and bad. This however, was something I never wanted to experience much less even believe that I would. I mean come on, I always knew I felt things deeper than most people but to actually feel the presence of death? Never in my wildest dreams.
I need a minute. It's been fifteen days. If I could talk to you, I'd tell you just how much I'm feeling right now. How much I really need you. How much I wish I could just have the comfort of your voice. After being around people all day and realizing that none of them are you and that I'm not going to come home to you either, is the most painful thing to me. I miss my person, I miss having you near me. I wish I was going to sleep beside you tonight so that I could be in your arms. I just really miss your presence right now. I miss you the most... But I can't talk to you. Because you're not you anymore...
The second time around, I was still as ill-prepared as the first. It happened one afternoon when my cousin came over. We had recently started raising chickens for slaughter and he came over to purchase some. He was a usual customer. This day in particular, my mom and I had just finished preparing a batch. As he drove up, I was the only one outside because mommy went to take a shower. So he came and took a seat inside, waiting for her. While we were out there, we started chatting.
As we talked, I don't remember exactly what was said but, I ended up going over to him. He sat there and I recall placing my hand on his belly. In that moment, whatever we were talking about was funny and I remember us laughing. But once I touched his belly, I vividly remember the smile dropping from my face and the laughter fading. As I touched him, I could feel the same dark feeling take hold of me. I didn't want to believe it, I wasn't ready to believe it. There was no way my fucking cousin was going to die. So, I ignored it.
A couple weeks before this happened, him and a couple of my other cousins had come over for dinner one day. I went into the kitchen and started washing some dishes. As I stood there looking out the window, I saw him sitting by himself. Everyone else had gone around to the front. I found it strange that he hadn't gone with them because usually they'd always walk around together. As I continued to look at him, I saw that he held his head down and clasped his hands together, resting them on his belly. I don't know what it was but, there was a sadness about him.
I had never seen him look like that before but, I was never the kind of person to go up to someone and ask them if they're okay. I noticed it though, the sadness. I guess I just ignored that as well. Weeks later when the news hit that he died, a dark feeling washed over me and my stomach went completely sick. It hit me that what I felt for both of them was real. It wasn't just some made up drama. It wasn't anxiety or overthinking. What I felt was impending death and I hated it. I didn't hate the fact that death was coming, I hated the fact that I felt it. I mean, what was the fucking point and why me?  What was the reason for me to feel their deaths coming?
I mean it's not like I did anything or could have done anything. I couldn't stop the van from flipping nor could I stop my cousin from getting sick. So, for me to get that insight seems pretty pointless in my opinion. After it happened and I confirmed that what I knew all along was true, I got pretty scared. I didn't want to feel this for anyone else and I tried my best, still to this day, to shut off that part of me. Death is inevitable and I cannot intervene, so I wish not to forsee anything. I still don't know why it happened and maybe I'll never know but, thankfully it hasn't happened since.
When we found out about his death, my mom and I immediately left to go over to his house. On our way out, we told my cousins what had happened and you were there as well. As I walked out, my face was all red and swollen, tears flowed from my eyes but, you didn't even look up at me. With each step I took, I kept waiting for you to look at me. To come and hug me and comfort me. To hold me and tell me that everything was going to be okay. It never happened. We left and you just sat there, staring down at your phone. On the ride over, I convinced myself that maybe you just didn't see me. Or that maybe you were scared to do anything in front of everybody.
When we got back home, you and my cousins sat outside, waiting for us. You still didn't say anything to me, you didn't even really notice me. A little later on, my mom started playing some old family videos on the TV in her room. We all gathered inside to watch and you came as well. As I laid there on the bed, you came and laid on your back, in between my legs. Your head rested on my belly. Everyone and I mean everyone saw this but, you didn't seem to mind at all. I didn't mind either, as a matter of fact, I loved it. In that moment, it brought me great comfort.
As we watched the videos, you became in awe of me as a baby. You thought I was really cute.  When it was all over, we went back outside. After being out there for a while, I decided that I wanted to have some alone time with you. The front room was empty so I thought it would be the perfect place for us. It was around 1:00 am and with all that had happened, sleeping was the last thing I wanted to do. So, we sat in there watching south park up until around 3:00 am. By this time, everyone was asleep and it was just me and you who were still up.
As we finished up an episode of south park, I leaned over onto your lap and started sniffing your neck. You always smelled so good and I could never get enough of it. As I smelled your neck, I rested my head on your chest and as I did this, you wrapped your arms around me. The tighter you hugged me the more comfort I felt. As you continued to hug me, you started kissing me all over, as you got to my neck you started to suck on it a little. I wasn't really in the mood for this but I went along with it anyway.
We started making out and after a little while,  you asked me to taste your cock. Again, I wasn't really into it so I was reluctant. You continued to ask and I decided to do it just to get it over with. You pulled your pants and took out your dick. Just a reminder, I had never done this before so I didn't really know what to do. You took it out and I put my mouth over your cock, slowly forcing it into my mouth. I didn't do it for long, I sucked on it for about a minute and when I was done I raised my head up. You saw that I was tired, so you said it was okay, we didn't have to do anymore.
We continued to make out for a while and you held me really tight. I'm not gonna lie, it felt really good to be in your arms. It was around 4:00 am now and I was getting really tired, so we went back outside and did our little goodbyes as usual. You gave me my kisses and cuddles and sent me to bed. The next day it was time for everyone to go home and it killed me that you had to go with them. I didn't want you to go, I wanted you to stay with me forever if you could.
As everyone was saying their goodbyes, when it came time to say goodbye to me, you came up to me and gave me the most loving hug I had ever gotten in my entire life. The embrace was so tight that it felt like our bodies became one. That hug felt like you never wanted to let me go, like you never wanted to leave me. That hug, felt like love. When you released me, you placed your hand onto my cheek and stared into my eyes. As you did, to say goodbye, you kissed me on my forehead.
I couldn't stop blushing, my cheeks were so red and I felt all giggly and lightheaded. I was surprised and kinda shocked because I was afraid that everyone saw us. But, you reassured me, you told me that it was okay because no one saw. You had your back turned and no one was looking anyways. Plus, even if they did see anything they didn't make a big deal of it. Honestly, I doubt anyone really even cared, I was the only one that was making a fuss. After you left, I felt ecstatic, like I was on top of the world. And, it felt good that it was just between me and you, nobody else knew what was up. The day before, I had asked you to hold my scrunchie for me because I didn't want it to get wet. You put it on your arm and started wearing it like a wristband and that's where it's been, ever since. You left with it, wearing it proudly, embedded with strands of my hair and all.
It would be another two weeks before we saw each other again. We stayed in contact through calls and texts. As we got to know each other more, I was still faced with the fact that you were still very immature. In the early days you did your best to keep it quiet but unfortunately for you, I read people very well. Since the very beginning, a voice in the back of my mind was always telling me that there's something off about you and that I should cut my losses and leave. But, for some reason, I ignored that voice
I don't know what it is about you but, no matter what you did or what you said, I never cut you off like the other guys. If I'm being honest, all it took was one guy, saying something I found remotely offensive one time, and that was it, they'd never hear from me again. But you, you ONLY said things that I found awful and terrible and yet? I never discarded you. No matter how shocking or vile the things that came from your mouth were, I never stopped. I mean you never did anything right, and you weren't charming at all, you couldn't make me laugh or smile, you never gave me any compliments. There was absolutely nothing redeeming about you and I was fully aware. I didn't like it, so why? Why didn't I leave you alone?
So, two weeks had passed and everyone was on their way over to my house again, including you. We had a beach trip planned for the next day and I couldn't wait for you to get here. My stomach was filled with butterflies. I was so excited to see you again. My cousins were always late so it took you a little longer than expected to get here. I was kinda tired so I decided to take a nap. About 10 minutes into my nap, I heard the car drive up. I never got out of bed so fast in my entire life.
As I went outside, I saw everyone exiting the car but I didn't see you. My heart started racing. I started thinking all sorts of things in my head, "Didn't they know you were coming as well? Didn't they know to bring you? Did they leave without you?!" I was in full panic mode. I kept looking and looking and after about a minute or two... Finally, there you were. Seeing you, immediately calmed me down and my racing heart was put at ease. It was a good thing too, because I was ready to throw the whole weekend away. I mean honestly, it was pointless without you.
When you came out, I was sitting at the table. Mommy and everyone else left to go do some last minute shopping, so it was just us. Let's be honest, it was me and you, all alone in the house. There was only one thing to do. You came in and you sat on the table, facing me directly. I sat looking up at you, smiling. As soon as everyone left, I took you by the hand and led you to the bedroom. We got inside and immediately started making out. We didn't know how long they'd be gone for so we had to be quick.
Fifteen minutes later, we were finished. We got our clothes back on and went outside. A few minutes later, my mom and cousins came back. We got done just in the nick of time. It was really fun, I'm not gonna lie. There's always something so exciting about seeing someone on the down low; having to keep it a secret. Just to reiterate, I wasn't ashamed of you, I just didn't want to go through the embarrassment of being with someone openly and fully committed, only to lose them. Yeah, a lot of good that did.
Later on in the night, we all gathered in the front room, waiting to watch a movie. As I sat there, waiting for you, a mesmerizing smell infiltrated my nostrils. Keep in mind that the bathroom you showered in, was at the back of the house. You were like a hundred feet away from where I was and yet, as you stepped out of the bathroom, I could smell you. Your cologne was intoxicating and I was just completely drunk on it. When you came in the room, I was all shy and giggly. You came and sat right beside me, leaving a little space so it wouldn't seem too obvious. You smelled so ridiculously good, I could hardly contain myself! God and you looked even better, wearing a white T-shirt and grey joggers.
As the night went on, slowly, everybody started going their separate ways. Soon it was only us and my cousin in the room. You gradually moved closer and closer to me until eventually, we touched. As soon as I felt your body next to mine, I just lost it entirely. Oh my god, I had never been so giddy about someone. When everyone was gone, you put your arms around my shoulder and pulled me closer. I couldn't stop smiling. I was so nervous.
Later on, it was around 12:00 am and we decided to go outside to our usual spot. I sat in the chair and you sat in front of me on the little stool. It wasn't long before we started craving each other. We started making out and you put your hand between my thighs and spread them. Slowly, you worked your way up to my pussy. I wasn't wearing any panties and when you realized, it turned you on even more.
You started playing with my pussy, gently fucking me with your finger. You made me sit back and relax because, you couldn't get to finger me properly with how I was sitting before. As I sat back, you started to finger me harder. Fucking me with your finger like you were trying to make me cum. When you felt how wet I was getting, you pulled your finger out and put it in your mouth; sucking off all my pussy juice. Seeing you do this made me so fucking horny. It turned me on so much that I took your finger and started sucking on it as well. I licked all my juices off your hand.
As I sucked on your fingers, I placed my hand on your pants and I could feel your stiff cock piercing through. The front room was empty so we made our way down there. As we got there, we realized that if we did it on the furniture, anyone passing would see us. So, we hid behind the sofa and got on the ground. Directly beside us, was the sliding glass door that made visible the lawn and the night sky.
We started kissing and you got on top of me. You pulled my shorts off and took your pants off as well. You spread my legs but it was dark, so you had a little trouble putting it in. I thought this was adorable, you being so inexperienced. So, I opened my legs wider for you and you felt your way through. Slowly, you started putting your cock inside me. Over our texting conversations, I told you that I wanted you to fuck me raw and that's exactly what you did. Feeling your raw cock inside me was a different level of pleasure.
I whispered in your ear, "Deeper Daddy". As I said so, you forced your dick as far as possible in my pussy. God I was in ecstasy. As you continued to fuck me, between the long and deep strokes, I started to look outside. It was beautiful, the night sky became illuminated with lightning strikes. And, with each stroke going deeper and deeper, the more the sky seemed to lit up. You made my pussy so wet that I could feel my juices getting on the floor beneath us. With one final, deep stroke, you pulled out. You started jerking off. When you came, I got on my knees and took your cock in my mouth. I sucked you off and licked up all your cum. You were a happy boy.
When we were done, we got up and went back outside as usual. It was around 3:00 am and we had to get up early so we didn't stay long. We both went and got ourselves cleaned up and came back out to say goodnight. You hugged me and cuddled me as usual. I wrapped my arms around your neck and stared up at you. In that light, it was like you were the most beautiful person I had ever seen in my life. I never knew love could be embodied in a person; in such a physical form. Because that's what I saw when I saw you. Love.
The next morning I woke up around 6:00 am, needless to say, I was super excited. Nevermind the fact that I only got like three hours of sleep, I was high and awake on love. I got up before you and as I went into the kitchen to help mommy with the cooking, all I could think about was you. I couldn't wait for you to wake up! About fifteen minutes later, I was still in the kitchen frying chicken and I felt a hand touch my shoulder. As I turned around, I saw that it was you. "Good morning" , you said. I smiled and said good morning as well.
Side note. Today marks 21 days since we stopped talking. I'm feeling a lot better. I don't feel so out of my mind anymore and I'm not clinging in desperation to some hopeless thought of you coming back. The hole in my life is still there, I don't think anyone could ever fill it. But, I'm learning slowly, how to start patching it by myself. I don't think there will ever be a me without you but I'm trying. There's not a day that goes by where you're not on my mind but, it's not holding me back anymore. I accept that you'll always be a part of me, a part of my life. Even if you're not physically present. I'm back and forth between anger, hate and forgiveness. Indifference is my aim.
As we were getting ready to head out, my cousin and I sat inside on the bed. We were waiting on some of my other cousins to get here. As we waited, you came along and you asked if we wanted to go outside and take some pictures. My cousin and I both said no, I guess at the time we just weren't in the mood. A few minutes later, we packed up the car and got on our way. You sat on the left side of the car and I sat on the right, with my two cousins in between. I think it was a weight distribution kind of thing.
Halfway through our journey, I started playing with you. I reached across, behind both of my cousins backs and touched your hand. When you felt it, you stretched your arm across so that you could be closer to me. In that moment, I felt so special. Like you wanted to be close to me and only me. Man, I couldn't stop smiling. That's the thing about me, when I start catching feelings for somebody, there's always a tell. And, mine is that I literally start to glow. My entire being lights up and I'm just radiating this bright glow. People always notice it and when they do, they're like, "Woah, you're glowing!". I couldn't hide being in love even if I tried. I can't stop smiling, my eyes get brighter and my skin is literally sunshine. Everything about me just looks happier and full of life.
When we got to the river, man was it something. It was a long stretch of crystal blue water that was covered by a canopy of bamboo trees. It was located on this huge property, which seemed like a great place to go camping. It wasn't too crowded when we got there, so we were able to get a bench close to the entrance of the water. My cousin came along and she wanted to take some pictures. I didn't mind it now because the place was absolutely beautiful and was ideal for taking good pictures.
So, we all gathered to take the pictures. You however, weren't very interested. You claimed it was because you just wanted to play some football but, looking back at it now. Where you spiting me because I didn't want to take pictures earlier? Maybe I'm overthinking. Nevertheless, I dragged you close and we took a shit load of pictures. When we were finished, we made our way down the steps to the water. You were more interested in playing football though.
When we got to the water, it was as cold as ice. Regardless of the temperature, we still went and swam and had a really good time. After a while, we all got out of the water to get some food. The steps were less than ideal, one wrong move and you'd fall into the rocks. We all exited the water, one by one, you went ahead of me and instead of waiting for me or even helping me to get out, you left me to go play ball. It wasn't until you got to the top of the steps that you thought to look back for me. By that time, my cousin had already helped me up.
I'm not gonna lie, that pissed me off. I mean how fucking old are you? Are you a child? So fucking desperate to play football that you couldn't spare two minutes to ensure that I made it up okay? Nevertheless, I brushed it off, I didn't want to make a big deal out of it. So we got back up to where the benches were and grabbed something to eat.
I just looked at the card you made me for Valentine's day. Everything inside me hurts. I keep telling myself that it's going to be okay. Is it going to be okay? Will it ever fucking be okay again? Because I'm being honest, I can't see my life being okay without you. No matter how fucked up you are. I was doing okay, I really was. And then she asked me about your clothes in my drawer. Why is everyone so quick to tell me to move on. Why is everyone so quick for me to discard you. I'm not fucking ready and I'm not doing anything until I'm ready. Leave me the fuck alone.
I worry that I'm not actually healing. I worry that I'm only doing okay because you're not here. Because we're not talking. I worry that when I see your face again, I'm gonna fucking crumble and everything inside me is going to shatter. I'm trying, I'm trying so goddamn hard but I'm afraid that nothing is gonna be able to prepare me. I'm not gonna be okay, am I.
When we were done eating, we hung out and played a few games for a while. After that, we went back down to the water. For the majority of the day, you and I didn't really talk much. I mean you pretty much kept a good distance. Don't get me wrong, when we were in the water you'd find me no matter where I was but, I still felt a little distance in the mix. I don't know if you were shy or just trying to keep things on the low or if this is just how you were. Nevertheless, I still didn't fuss about it. I just tried to play it cool and go with flow. I mean, it's not like we were official or anything.
When the day was over, we packed up the car and made our way back home. On the journey back, two of my cousins decided to travel in another car so, I was able to sit directly beside you. I sat in the middle and you on the left of me. I was pretty tired from all the excitement so I rested my head on your shoulder. You put your arm around me to support me. My mom and other cousins were in the car but you didn't care, you held me anyways. I loved it, in that moment I felt so relaxed and comfortable.
When we got home that afternoon, we were all tired as shit. My cousin wanted me to wash her hair so after I did, I asked if you wanted yours to be washed as well. Surprisingly enough, you did. As I lathered your curly hair with the shampoo and began massaging your scalp, I could see all the stress in your face suddenly melt away. I took my time and ensured that I was very gentle. Admittedly, I was trying very hard to impress you so, I tried my best to make it as relaxing as possible. I think I did a great job because by the time I was finished, you were so relaxed that you could hardly open your eyes.
As I rinsed your hair, we started talking about movies and you asked me, "Have you seen the new Godzilla?"
I responded, "No, but my mom's boyfriend saw it and he said it was good"
You went quiet for a second, then proceeded to say that you had downloaded it and we could watch it if I liked. I was really tired but the thought of watching a movie with you, sounded great to me. So, I agreed. After you got up and went to go get changed, I remember thinking to myself, "I wonder if he thought I said my boyfriend". Because, I felt the sudden change in your demeanour and that was all I could think of as to why you'd react like that. I didn't pay it any mind though. I thought maybe I was overreacting.
Later in the night we didn't end up watching anything, we were all just too tired. You and I sat outside at our spot as usual. We spent a few hours there and went to bed around 12:00 pm. Before I went off, we started kissing a little. After a while, you whispered in my ear, "I'll give you some dick tomorrow okay?" I smiled and kissed you. We were both tired as hell so I didn't mind. After that we both went to bed. Of course, we hugged and kissed goodnight before.
The next day, we all woke up pretty late, around 11:00 am. When I woke up, I went outside as usual and sat drinking a cup of coffee. About fifteen minutes later, you woke up and joined me outside. It was just us and one of my other cousins there at the time, mommy and everyone else had gone out. Probably to the stores to get some more food stuff. As I sat there, you came and sat directly beside me. We were practically joined at the hip to how close we were sitting. We started talking and laughing, a little later the topic of us kissing publicly came up. "I bet that you won't kiss me in public" you said, with a cheeky smirk. Before the words could even come from your mouth, bam! I slapped on right on you.
You blushed so much, it was adorable. My cousin was sitting on the couch behind us so it was likely that she saw. "You kissed me in front of her!", you said in disbelief. You were so shocked and surprised that I actually kissed you in front of my family. I did it because I wanted you to know that I wasn't embarrassed of you nor was I ashamed. I just wanted to keep things private until I was sure that it was going to work. I think in your eyes, you thought that I didn't want to be open about us because I had someone else. But, the truth is, there was no one else.
You couldn't stop blushing and smiling, you literally turned red. Hopefully, this would help put your mind at ease because, no matter how much I told you that I was serious about you, you still seemed to carry doubts. You were young and inexperienced so I understood your hesitation and that made me want to reassure you even more. I understood that to some extent, I would be responsible for teaching you certain things and I was fine with that.
After I kissed you, we spent the rest of the day assembling this thousand piece puzzle you brought. This would prove to take all day because it was freaking difficult. Even when my other cousin came back and helped us, it took us over five hours to complete the damn thing. By the time we were finished, we were literally drained and exhausted like we had just got done fighting a war. At the time, I didn't read too much into it, but looking back at how you refused to stop until you were finished should have been an early warning sign. Not just this, I should have seen a lot of things. But, the thing is, I saw them and yet, I chose to ignore them.
Five hours, imagine that, you know what I think it was even more than that. Because, after five hours we weren't finished and I recall telling you that we should just call it a day now and finish it tomorrow. But you refused, you said that you had to finish it now and that's just how you were. That once you started something, you had to finish it. So, I stuck it out and even though I was exhausted, I helped you finish the puzzle. By the time we were almost done, I was completely miserable and the worst part is, after all that, we still couldn't complete the puzzle. Two of the pieces were missing and we couldn't find them.
So, we spent all fucking day doing a puzzle that still couldn't be solved. We sat at that table all day and didn't eat a thing. I was so over it. I'm not gonna lie, seeing how obsessed you became with finishing the puzzle and not wanting to take a break, kinda made me start to question you. But, I was so happy and excited that I got to spend all day with you, building this fucking terrible puzzle that I didn't even care. I just thought that you were really driven and determined. Which isn't bad, I mean I know for myself there are certain things that I obsess about. So, I understood the level of wanting to get this done. I thought that maybe you were just one of those people that has to finish something once you start it.
Later on in the night, I went to make dinner for everyone and I left you outside, still trying to locate the missing pieces. When I got done making dinner, I went back outside and even though it was literally impossible to finish the puzzle and it wasn't anyone's fault, you seemed a little upset. I don't get it, I mean it's just a puzzle, a game, why did you need so badly to solve it? I couldn't understand why you got so worked up over it. Nevertheless, at some point you finally decided to get up and take a shower. Afterwards, we all gathered in the TV room to watch a movie.
After the movie was over, everyone went off to bed except for my younger cousin who was still up playing video games. You and I sat outside at our usual spot, waiting for him to go to sleep. I turned back ways and laid with my head rested in your lap. It felt so good being cradled by you, I felt so safe and secure. We stayed that way for a while and watched cartoons. I had never had this before, this experience of just hanging out with a guy. Truth be told, I never wanted this before, I never wanted to just hang out with somebody and get to know them.
I think I was just always too afraid because I knew inevitably, one day it'd be over. One day it'd get to a point where they no longer wanted to be around me and I'd be begging and clinging, trying to mend the pieces of a broken relationship. So, I tried to save myself from that, by never investing or giving too much of myself. Because I knew, that they always leave. They always walk away, leaving me to pick up the pieces by myself. But, I don't know what it was this time, why I decided to invest in you.
Did I think it would end any other way? No. But that's the thing about me, even when I know how it ends, I still go along for the ride. Because let's be honest, nothing is set in stone and if you don't try, you'll never know what can happen. It's not that I never wanted to be in a committed relationship or that I never wanted to invest myself. It's just that I never found anyone worthwhile. Up until now, everyone was just so goddamn shallow, they were all just surface dwellers. Never had I met someone with depth, someone willing to dive in deep waters, someone willing to explore the depths of their soul.
So, that's why I didn't try. Because ultimately, it was useless. When you get to where I'm at, people simply don't understand the depth of my thinking or being. What's funny is, I didn't think you'd be able to understand it either. Matter of fact I didn't think you'd be able to grasp anything so why did I still pursue it? Only god knows. I don't know, maybe I was just starting to feel the pressure of needing to settle down. Or maybe I just didn't want to be alone. I didn't have the answers then and I still don't have them now. The only thing I know, is that I kept putting my hand in the fire even after I kept getting burned.
When my cousin finally went to bed, we made our way down to the TV room. We started kissing and you laid me on the couch. You got on top of me and as we kissed I said, "Spit in my mouth Daddy". You looked deep into my eyes and with your strong , muscular hand gripping my neck, you spat in my mouth. You did it pretty aggressively and I never had anyone spit in my mouth before, so I wasn't sure either if this was how it was supposed to be. I didn't really like it.
After you did this, you worked your way down to my thighs and started kissing them. Slowly, you spread them apart and pulled my panties to the side. Gently, you started kissing my pussy. You had never done this before so I'm not gonna lie, it wasn't very good. You started sucking on my clit and oh my god, it felt like needles. I wasn't into it, so I pulled you back up to me and started kissing you again. As we kissed, I slowly pulled off your pants. As I got it off, I took your cock and pushed it inside me. You started working your hips like a snake and my fucking god, was I in heaven.
Your cock slid in and out of me. Making me even wetter than I already was. We had to be really quiet because we were right next to the entrance and if anyone passed by, they'd be able to see and hear us. God, I loved feeling your cock inside me, it made me want to scream and moan so fucking loudly that even the neighbours would hear. But, alas, I had to keep quiet. I could only moan softly in your ear and sink my fingernails in your back to ease my pleasure.
As you thrusted your big, stiff cock in and out of my pussy, you got closer and closer to cumming. As you were about to cum, you pulled out and grabbed my head, placing my mouth on your dick. I gladly opened my mouth and took your cock inside. In seconds, my mouth was filled with your sweet cum. I swallowed it all and sucked on your cock to get every last drop. When I was done, you held onto my face and stared at me, you smiled at me like I was the most beautiful thing in the world.
We got dressed and went back outside, where as per usual, we said our goodnights. Something about you was so different, you were the first person that I didn't get a period of attraction for. What I mean by this, is that usually I'd develop an attraction towards a person after seeing and interacting with them for a prolonged period of time. This was how I'd start liking them, by carefully observing and learning about them.
I wasn't the type of person to see a guy one time and instantly want them. Where looks caught my eye initially, I'd need to see that there was something underneath all that before I could really say that I liked you. I needed to see and feel substance. That's why I was so intrigued by you, I didn't need that period, the attraction came just like that. I will say however, even though I was attracted to you, I didn't really like you. Something about your nature just didn't sit right with me and your personality wasn't much better.
I thought that it was because I didn't know you very well. I thought that maybe if I spent more time with you, I'd grow to learn about you and start liking you. I don't know what it is but when it comes to you, it's like I turn off all my senses. I'll know that something is definitely wrong and still go through with it. What the hell is wrong with me.
The next day we had some chickens to slaughter. My mom and I woke up way before everyone else and as soon as you got up, you came outside to find me. When you got there, you came and greeted me. After a while you said you wanted to help, so my mom said you could, by way of killing the chickens. You had mentioned that you didn't like blood but you still went ahead with it. As you killed the first chicken, you started to get queasy. Your face turned pale and you looked like you wanted to faint. We didn't think it was that serious because, you seemed like you were joking but apparently it was. You had to take a step back so you could gather yourself. I thought it was really cute because, even though you passed yourself off as this big, tough guy, you were still just soft inside.
Today, there's a lump in my throat when I swallow. My emotions have gone from sadness and grief, to rage and anger. I am beginning to hate you. Writing this has caused me to reflect on all the awful, terrible things I had to endure and for what? Because I chose to be with a half-wit. I know better and yet, you still have a hold on me. You still have my mind in shackles. I can't wait to get this over with, so that I'll never have to give you an inch of my thought space ever again.
When we were finished preparing the chickens, I wanted to make a special dinner for everyone being that they were going to leave that day. Honestly, it was mostly about you. I wanted to make something special for you. So, I went into the kitchen and I made fried chicken and corn rice. Even though everyone kept offering to help me, I declined. I wanted it to be made specifically from me to you.
When I was done cooking, we all sat down to eat. You loved my cooking. When everyone was done eating, I took all the plates and brought them to the kitchen. As I stood there washing, you came in and whispered in my ear, "I love seeing you wash my plate". I smiled at the time because honestly, I didn't think there was anything behind it. You seemed to like a traditional type of woman and there was nothing wrong with that.
I can say however, that I was not traditional. Don't get me wrong, I knew how to do everything. I just didn't want to. I didn't see that for myself. I wasn't going to live my life being led by a man. And no, it's not because I'm some rebel or that I hate men, it's because I never found a man worth being soft for. And, if I'm being honest, you didn't look like you were gonna be that guy either.
So, I finished washing the dishes and everyone got ready to leave. When they were ready, we all said our goodbyes as usual. You came and gave me a tight hug, holding me like you didn't want to let go. You kissed me on my forehead again, ensuring that nobody saw. God, did that make me blush and feel warm. You made me feel so giddy inside, I couldn't even begin to describe it. I never knew I'd ever feel this way about someone. But, all the while, there was a voice in the back of my mind and a feeling in my gut, telling me that something wasn't right.
As soon as you got home, you texted me to let me know that you reached safely. As time went on, we'd text everyday and you'd call me almost every night. About a week later, as we were texting, out of nowhere you asked me a question. "Do you have a boyfriend?", you asked. Since we started talking that day, I could tell something was off with you. You weren't talking to me like normal. When you asked me this question, obviously I said no and I asked why you thought that. You said it was because when I was washing your hair, I mentioned that my boyfriend had seen the movie.
Now, I see how you could have misunderstood what I said and I didn't have a problem with that. I gladly corrected you and reassured you that, no I don't have a boyfriend. But, apparently this wasn't enough, you began to slander me. I had no choice but to retaliate. I asked you, "What kind of person would I be? I had sex with you in my home, I spent time with you and had you around my family. Why in the hell would I do that if I was with someone else. What kind of girl do you take me for?" You didn't quite know how to respond and at this point, I began to really get worked up.
I mean I really started to get offended because, after all that happened between us, I really couldn't imagine that you saw me that way. That you thought I was some kind of cheap slut that just fucks anyone. Furthermore, to think I'd be doing all of that and then just casually mention my boyfriend? What? It really got to me because, that just made it seem like you didn't think much of me. I let you have a piece of my mind and we talked until ultimately we got passed it.
May
In the weeks that followed, we would continue to have a few arguments here and there. I started to see exactly how your mind worked and the kind of thoughts you had. I can honestly say, nothing that came from your mind made sense. There wasn't one thing that didn't anger me because, for a human being to think like this was beyond me. What made it worse, was that even when I tried to talk some things out to help you get a better understanding, you took it as a personal attack. Even though I'm older than you, with far more experience,. No, I couldn't possibly know what I'm talking about. Yes, obviously it's a personal attack.
I remembered back in January, after we had sex. We were texting about the night in question. To show you how underdeveloped your mind was, you literally said, "Your pussy didn't make me cum in five seconds, you failed". I didn't even respond. I had never heard such words from a male before and honestly, it turned me off.  The next thing was when you were telling me how you wanted me " slim and curvy like a country road" and I thought to myself, this bitch. I never had a problem with my body, yes I had some fat on me but I wasn't insanely big. I wasn't about to let this know nothing build insecurities inside me that weren't there. So this too, aided my decision to keep you at a distance.
I remember one conversation where you said, "If I have a wife then I wouldn't need to have a maid" When I tell you that every inch of my body was on fire and I literally wanted to explode because I simply could not believe that people actually thought this way. It was obvious to me that you thought women were supposed to just do as they're told and only tend to the household. I spent my entire life, rebelling against the teachings of my mother. The person who would constantly berate me, about the fact that no man is going to want me because I didn't want to get up everyday and wash, cook and clean.
In my opinion, I responded rather reasonably. I said that it's only fair that both partners share the work, you know 50/50. I mean if one person is working and the other is not, then fine, the person at home would pick up on the house chores. But, if both of us are working, why should the responsibility be shouldered only by the woman?  In any good relationship, both partners work to help each other out. There shouldn't be a need for one person to be doing all the work and not get any help. Then you went on to say that oh, the only time we'll realistically have to spend together is on vacation and that you wanted to run an efficient household and blah blah blah. When I saw this, it immediately showed me that you didn't have any clue about how the real world works. Also, that you didn't have any experience at all.
So, from that point on, I started ignoring all the dumb shit you spewed. I truly felt that you spoke and thought this way simply because you didn't know any better. I thought that as time went on and you started to see how things really worked, your mindset would change. And so, I stuck it out because as I said, I knew I'd be responsible for teaching you certain things. I strongly believed that anybody could change and that people are indeed, capable of it.
As we continued to talk and get to know each other, I started asking you about your relationship with my cousin. I wanted to know exactly what you had with her. You were pretty young at the time, not sure of your age exactly, but there was something between you and her. I asked her and she said and I quote, "He was like a brother to me.. That's how I saw him, like one of my younger brothers" She would go on to tell me that when you guys did actually kiss, the spark just wasn't there. When I asked you, you told me that she was a nice girl but, she simply wasn't for you. Now, I had no reason to disbelieve either one of them. I mean honestly, that was before we even knew of each other's existence. So, I was fine with it.
I found it a little odd though, that you never told me about any previous experiences. You never told me about the girls before me. You never told me about anything. If I hadn't been talking to my cousin about you, I would have never known there was a thing between you two. With every single guy I've talked to before, we've had conversations about our past. I wanted to know because, I didn't have anything to hide from you so I would have gladly shared. But, you never asked and I thought okay, maybe you just weren't interested in talking about these things. So, I didn't bring it up either (except for the cousin situation).
June
It had been about a month since we last saw each other. My mom was about to leave again to go overseas for work. It would have just been me and my female cousin at the house, that is of course, if I didn't invite you. I was a little nervous about having you here, mainly because of my cousin. I really would have preferred it to have been just us but, she was already staying here and I couldn't just send her home. My cousin was a year younger than me and she grew up with you. She knew you a lot longer than I did and you and her even shared a past. As I said, what happened was before me, so I was cool with it. But, as of now, you're my man and I'm territorial.
So, you and I had decided that once my mom left, you'd come over to spend some time with me. When the day arrived, I had to go on the road to get some groceries so, I told you that I'd meet you in the town. My cousin and I got ready and as I was getting my bag to leave, she came out. Ladies and gentlemen, when I tell you that she chose the shortest and tightest outfit conceivable. Please, believe me. It was this bright, red romper that looked like something you'd wear to a nightclub. I immediately told her to go and change because, there was no way she was gonna wear that in public. As she went back inside to change, a dastardly thought crossed my mind, "Why would she wear that? Who was she trying to impress?", I didn't want to believe it was for my man so I let it go.
As we finished shopping, I called you to see where you were. We met up at the taxi stand and went home together. When we got there, I unpacked the groceries and took a shower. You went to put your bags down inside your room. When I was done, I followed along and you were trying to hug me but, for some reason I didn't want to. I think it was because you were still in the clothes you wore from outside and I had just showered. I didn't want to hug you while you were in the dirty clothes, I mean it wasn't personal. You seemed upset and things were a little awkward after I said no.
I stuck around and we began talking. I realized that I made you feel a little tense when I refused to hug you.  So, I compromised and hugged you, even though you were still in the dirty clothes. After we embraced, you started warming up to me a little, I mean as much as could be expected from you. After a little while, I started playing with you and to anyone that knows me, they know I like to bite. No, not like that you perv.. Well yeah, like that too. So, I bit your neck playfully and that's all it took.
Within seconds you grabbed me by the neck and we started kissing. You bit my lip and sucked on it. We stopped to close the door and afterwards continued kissing. We stripped each other's clothes off. You took my breasts in your mouth, gently kissing and sucking on my nipples. You bit my neck, throwing me into ecstasy. You laid me down on the bed and spread my legs apart. Within moments you forced your hard cock inside me, stretching my tight pussy apart. I was dripping with desire and your cock soaked it up.
In and out, in and out, you thrusted your big, black cock inside me. God, how I wanted to scream, all I could release were subdued moans. 'She' was in the house and I couldn't perform as I pleased. I had to enjoy your pleasure in quiet anguish, desperately wanting to put forth the sounds of our love. I sank my nails in the curves of your muscular back, hoping, praying, that this would appease the intense pangs of my hunger.
It had been about a month since I last had your cock and my withdrawal had been setting in. Feeling the first inch of your cock creep inside my pussy, was like finding water in the desert. I loved your cock and I loved every inch of it, how it felt, how it made my pussy quiver with pleasure. With desire for more. A constant craving. A never ending need for gratification. I had never been so in love with sex in my entire life.
After an almost euphoric session, you were about to reach your climax. As you did, you pulled out your cock and came on my belly. I loved seeing your cum all over me. Tiny, pearl-like drops that glistened on my skin. I must terribly admit, that although the sex was magnificent and it drove me wild, I did not feel any warmth. When I say warmth, I'm really referring to that gentleness and care. You know, the kind you feel when someone truly loves you, the undeniable tenderness.
You pulled on a pair of shorts along with a shirt and I went to get cleaned up. After I was finished, you went into the bathroom and took a shower. I had never met someone that took hour long showers. I found it strange since the very beginning but, I don't live my life telling other people what to do. I mean, if hour long showers are your thing, then okay. So, an hour later you came out. As usual, you smelled amazing. We were both exhausted so, we decided to take a little nap. Later in the afternoon, I woke up and left you in the bed, still asleep. I got up and went to get started on dinner.
When we finished having our dinner, me, you and my cousin went into the front room to watch a movie. When it was over and we went back into our room, you told me that you had never slept with someone before (as in literally just sharing a bed).
"Really? Not even with your mom when you were younger?", I asked.
"No, just a couple of times with my grandpa, when I was a toddler", you responded.
You then proceeded to ask me if I had ever slept with anyone and honestly, I lied. We all knew I slept, practically lived with "Him", for a couple of months. I don't know why I lied, I just thought that it wasn't really important to tell you about it. I don't know, judge somebody else, I'm tired. So yeah, I made you believe that you were the first person I ever slept with. I think deep down I said this because I wanted it to be true. Truthfully speaking, sleeping with "Him", was an awful and cold experience. He never touched, hugged or cuddled me while we slept. So, I really didn't even consider him worthy of mentioning. No matter how much I asked for affection, practically begged really, he never gave it. I just felt alone.
Sleeping together in the night was different than during the day. When we took the nap earlier, it was really hot so we just slept on the opposite sides of the bed. But, the night was a lot cooler and we wanted to be close to each other. As we got in the bed, your awkwardness started to show and I found it adorable. You didn't have any idea of how to sleep with someone. Honestly, I didn't either because, I had only ever had one experience of cuddling and that was years ago. So, I laid my head on your chest and we tried to go to sleep. You normally slept on your belly but, because you wanted me to be comfortable, you made yourself uncomfortable and slept on your back.
I can't describe how good it felt to be held by you. I felt so protected and safe, something that I had been longing for since birth but, especially since the Uncle situation. Being with you took away a lot of the fear that I had been carrying around. Just your presence made me feel safer because, I knew no one would try anything. I also knew, that if anyone did try anything, you'd beat them into the ground. The experience traumatized me so much, that when my mom told me that she was leaving, I feared being in the house alone with my female cousin. Leaving myself open and vulnerable is what got me into that situation with my uncle and I feared that it would do the same with my cousin.
I don't know if it was paranoia or trauma from the experience or both. But, when I found out that my mom was leaving, everything came rushing back to me. I dreaded the thought of waking up with someone standing over me. The thought of leaving myself so open and bare. Not knowing if the person that I'm in the house with, is actually a predator. I'm not gonna lie, I was a little biased towards her because, she and my uncle came from the same house. They all lived together and because I had been burned before, I felt that they were all the same.
I didn't want to be alone with her, so I resorted to my natural defence; bringing in a man. Now, I know what you're thinking. Why is it, that I felt more comfortable bringing in a guy that I'd only been talking to for two months, rather than living alone with my cousin? Well, the truth is, I wasn't very close with my cousin at the time. I mean she'd been staying with us for a couple of months now and we were cool with each other but, we weren't too close. Honestly, I just wanted to be with my man and if I could have sent her packing, I would've.
Sleeping together the first night was a little awkward. You were so freaking huge and muscular that every time you turned, you hit me. I literally had to move to the other side of the bed just so I could stop getting damaged. But, no matter how many injuries I got, I wouldn't trade sleeping with you for the world. Something about sleeping with you was so different, I just felt comfortable, like you were the person I was meant to do this with. I don't mean just sleep, I mean everything. I felt like you were supposed to be my partner, my husband, my companion for the rest of my life. The person I did everything with. Maybe I was just high on fumes, cause it never happened for me before, so why would anything change now.
As the days went by, it was very awkward having you here, I'm not gonna lie. You didn't talk much and I'm not one to talk either, so there wasn't much conversation. Conversations didn't flow naturally between us and I found that strange as well. I could be talking to a complete stranger that I just met and I guarantee you, we'd hit it off. You weren't easy going in the least. You weren't easy to talk to, well at least not with me because, you and my cousin seemed to get along exceptionally well. This didn't bother me in the early days but, I'd soon come to learn that when I spoke, everything would be a problem. But, as soon as someone else opened their mouth, it was just a conversation piece.
I gathered all my courage and said "fuck it", today. I burned the last set of clothes you left here. I burned the thousand piece puzzle that we worked tirelessly on together. Burned along with the puzzle box, was your highschool crest that you wore on your uniform. This was the very first personal item of yours that you had given me. I burned the souvenirs you brought back for me. Lastly, and the one that cut me the deepest, I burned the card you made me for Valentine's day. I still just can't understand. You were my best friend. We did everything together. Why did you abandon me?
After burning our stuff, the things we had together, I thought I would have felt free. I thought I would finally be able to completely detach but, I was wrong. In the moment when I burned them, I felt nothing. As the day went on, the emptiness began to grow until it consumed me fully. By the end of the day, I was hollow. I didn't feel sad, I didn't feel happy, I didn't feel anything, I just felt numb and I didn't like it. I would rather be in tears for the rest of my days, than be subjected to this feeling of nothing. At least with sorrow or pain, I'd be feeling something.
We went out today, to a place where everybody would normally be, including you. I tried to tell myself that no matter what happened, whether you were there or not, that I'd be okay. That I'd find some way to deal with it. You weren't there but, I kept looking for you the entire day, hoping that somewhere in the crowd, I'd see your face. I miss my friend, I miss having YOU here. I miss the person you once were. I would have given anything, anything at all, if for just a moment, I could have seen you there. In the crowd of people, the only person I wanted to see, was you.
As the days went on, I can't say that it was exactly a fairytale or dream romance. I had to initiate all of the affection and conversations. You were pretty dull to be around and honestly, it felt like you didn't have much of a personality. Truthfully, the sex was the highlight of our entire relationship because nothing else was going on. You weren't fun to be around, I couldn't have deep or intellectual conversations with you, I didn't get to experience any fun dates or any of that shit. It was as though we skipped right pass the honeymoon phase and went straight into our third year of marriage.
I never really pressed you to take me out because, I knew you didn't have a lot of money and I was also a home body. I didn't really like going out. But, it would have been nice to be taken out, even if it was just for ice cream or something. I never got that though, all I got was basically a live in man. I didn't mind at first, I really liked having someone here with me, just someone to keep me company, even if the quality of the company wasn't that great. The longer we spent together, the more I'd learn and understand your behavior. You woke up everyday with a pretentious happiness and I found this strange.
Now, I'm not saying that people can't be naturally happy everyday but, that was the only emotion you displayed. Furthermore, it wasn't a genuine happiness. There were times when you'd give this nervous and anxious laugh, passing it off as happiness. You never displayed anger, sadness, or even tiredness and that made me realize that you weren't showing me your true self. I felt as though you hid your real emotions from me. Showing me a happy face in order to appease me and reel me in even more. But, I guess you knew why you kept a straight face all the time.
One night, as I recall, me, you and my cousin were in the TV room watching a movie. As we sat there together, I moved over to the other side of the couch because I was upset with you, I don't remember why though. You were eating a snack and as I looked over, you started feeding my cousin. Now, when I tell you that this sparked an enormous rage inside me. I was so fucking jealous and angry, I mean why the fuck are you feeding her banana chips like she's a goddess or something? I was beyond pissed. I was so bent out of shape that if you touched me, you would've gotten burned. My entire being was literally on fire. Hell was cooler compared to me at the time.
I remained quiet and my rage silently burned within me. You must have been a different kind of blind because, you didn't see all the nasty looks I was giving you. I was so goddamn pissed that I can't even describe it. When the movie was over, I got up and went into our room, saying nothing at all. I got in bed and turned my back to you. About fifteen or ten minutes later, I turned around and started to befriend you. Now, keep in mind that this was my first serious relationship. I didn't have any experience with communication or telling people how their actions made me feel.
So, even though I was raging like a hellhound a while ago, I didn't know that it was okay for me to share my feelings about the situation. I didn't know anything about setting boundaries. I honestly just thought I was overreacting and that I'd be complaining about something irrelevant. I just didn't want to seem naggy or like a burden. So, I did what I always did. I let the feelings pass and kept in inside because, I didn't want to be a problem to anyone.
You kept asking me if something was wrong and ultimately, I just kept denying. In my mind, I thought that I was foolish and it wasn't something I should've gotten upset about. I turned around and started kissing on you, which eventually led to sex. I held on to the anger and it eventually came out in our first argument.
June
It was about the first week of June. The weather was changing rapidly and we'd been experiencing non-stop rain. When I tell you that it rained for almost two weeks without a break. The days were dark and gloomy and it just made everything so goddamn depressing. I couldn't remember the last time I saw the sun. All these poor conditions started taking a toll on my body and I got really sick. It started off with general feelings of sickness and as it went on, I started to develop a fever. It happened late one night and my temperature got so high that, touching me felt like the equivalent of touching fire.
I had never had a fever this severe before but honestly, I didn't feel anything other than tiredness. I just felt this great tiredness come over my body and all I wanted to do was sleep. I didn't feel sick or nauseous or had any other problems. So, I curled up in bed and went off to sleep with my head in your lap. I didn't know it but, you stayed up all night and watched over me. I was incredibly exhausted but, I recall waking in and out of consciousness to find you still awake. There were times when I felt you checking me, to see if the temperature had changed and to see if I was okay.
I knew then, that you cared for me deeply. You didn't sleep a wink for the entire night because, you were so worried about me. When I woke up the next morning, I found you still in that upright position, with your head tilted to the left. After staying awake all night, you were so tired that you finally fell asleep. When I saw this, I was really surprised and also, a little shocked. I really didn't think you'd be that worried about me to the point where you couldn't sleep. It was the sweetest and most caring thing any guy had ever done for me. In my eyes, this was love. I could tell how genuinely concerned you were because it's as if you thought I was gonna die or something. Which in hindsight, seemed like a real possibility because, I could barely move.
I still don't know what really happened to me, I mean I've been sick before but never to that extent. Seeing you get so torn up about me, really made me start to believe that there was more to you. For the rest of the day you continued to watch over me. I was so out of it that, I couldn't even get out of bed. I took some medication but, it didn't seem to be helping at all. The fever continued for about three days straight. I didn't start feeling better until about a week later. I barely ate and when I did, it wasn't more than a few spoonfuls.
I knew things hadn't been my idea of romantic or great but, the way you showed that you cared for me by staying up, really turned my mind around. Very few people would be willing to sacrifice a good night's sleep, much less care enough, to stay awake to ensure that I wasn't getting any worse. I still remember the look on your face when I woke up, you were so pale and visibly scared. I felt really bad that I scared you so much, I never intended to worry you so much and I didn't think that me being sick, would have. But, I saw then, just how much the thought of losing me, terrified you. After that day, I looked at you a little differently but I still kept my guard up.
July
As a new month arrived, we were now three months into our relationship. Up until now, things were going okay. I mean we didn't have any arguments and we tolerated each other. It was extremely difficult being with and around you. You were not the kind of person, as I mentioned before, who was easy to talk to. You took almost everything personally and when I spoke, it was like I wasn't allowed to say something smarter than you or know more than you. I never claimed to know more than anyone but, good god.
Certain things I did actually know more about than you and all I ever did was try to educate you. You didn't see it that way. What pains me the most is that you never stopped and thought to yourself that, 'hey, maybe I don't know everything. Maybe just maybe, my way isn't always right and I can open my mind to other possibilities '. Nope, you knew everything and you knew how everything was supposed to be. I realized that when I'd say something intellectual or remotely intelligent, for some reason you'd get upset.
One Sunday afternoon, a friend of mine came over with his girlfriend and daughter. He was someone I knew from highschool and he had made me the godmother of his child. When they arrived, we gathered under the mango trees. As I was down there with them, out of nowhere, you found yourself there as well. I'm not sure why because, I knew you didn't really like people nor did you like coming out of the house much. I was a bit surprised because, you literally just popped up, uninvited. I didn't have a problem with it because, I was going to come and call you to meet them eventually.
I love children and I was extremely happy when I found out that my friend was gonna make me the godmother of his child. It truly felt like an honor because, I was given this privilege of being such a big part of his child's life. The day I found out, I smiled from ear to ear. I know it might seem strange but, it was a really big thing for me.  So, back to the day in question. As I stood there playing with the baby, I looked up to see you walking towards us.
You kept a straight face as you approached us and as you arrived, there was a slight awkwardness. A momentary silence engulfed us. Thankfully, the baby started laughing and so, I introduced you to her. I wasn't good at introductions and honestly, I didn't even think they were necessary. I mean we lived in a culture where you'd learn someone's name by hearing someone else call it. We never went around asking people their names or introducing ourselves.
Furthermore, I had never in my life, had the words, "This is my boyfriend", come out of my mouth. It was all extremely knew to me and I didn't know how to go about it at all. So, as I introduced you to the baby, my friend and his girlfriend just kinda stood in the background. I didn't think there was anything wrong with it because, I mean he was my friend and I was used to them. They were people I knew for quite sometime and they just seemed like family. Formal introductions just felt pretentious. Again, for so long I was used to it being just me, so I didn't know how to start introducing partners.
While they were there, you seemed okay, I mean as okay as could be expected. As time went on, I wanted a little alone time with them so, we left the baby with my cousin and  went under one of the trees to chat. It was just me, my friend and his girlfriend. You had gone back inside of the house. While under the tree, I couldn't stop blushing. I told them that you were my boyfriend and that I really liked you. They were just as excited as I was and even happier. As I said, they were like family to me and my friend and I were just that close. I saw a pimple in his face and anyone that knows me, knows that I'm obsessed with them. So, I went in and popped it.
As we walked back up to the house, we were laughing and talking about all kinds of shit. We were just genuinely having a good time. That's how it was between us, just family hanging out together. There was no awkwardness or tension and the love we had for one another,  just came through everytime we got together. It's rare to find people like that and I cherished our friendship. When we got closer to the house, as we walked pass the kitchen window, I grabbed my friends ass. Now, maybe this was inappropriate but, as I mentioned they were family. I didn't see it as anything but being playful.  Furthermore, that was just the kind of relationship we had. My friend often referred to me as, "My love" and it wasn't because we had anything going on or because we wanted each other. It was simply the closeness of our connection.
My friend had always been this genuinely loving person and that's why I became and remained friends with him throughout the years. He was always the kind of person to bring joy when he came around. He just made the place warmer and made everything brighter. He never judged me or made me feel bad in anyway and he was there for me in some of the worst times of my life. My friend, even to this day, is one of the only persons I can call on if I need something. And, to anyone that knows me, they know that I never ask for help. If I  need something, I do without it until I can make it happen for myself. So, for me to openly rely on him, that's big. He's always been a genuine friend to me and when he got his girlfriend, she became just the same. Then, when they had a baby, it just felt like I had a whole family.
For the entire time that they were there, I couldn't help but feel this bad feeling in the pit of my stomach. You didn't really say or do much while they were present. You played with the baby a little and when my friend wanted to play board games with you, you did. But, all the while, you kept this cold composure. Like you didn't really want to be there but, you stayed anyways. Like it pained you to interact with my friends. Like you hated them, specifically him. I couldn't understand it because, I was always someone that found it easy to get along with others. Furthermore, I didn't in my mind, thought I had done anything wrong to warrant this coldness. For the entire time, you barely spoke to me and you didn't even look at me. It was like you were in utter disgust.
When they were ready to leave, I walked back up to the house, leaving them to pack up some mangoes in their car. When I got inside, you sat looking rather upset. You had your phone in your hand and you were scrolling on it.
"Are you alright?", I asked.
You hesited to answer and then, you said rather sternly, "When you come back, me and you need to talk".
I was a bit taken a back so, I simply said "OK" and went back to where my friends were. After they left, I went back inside and sat across from you.
I looked directly at you and asked, "What did you want to talk about?".
I don't remember exactly what you said but, I recall you reprimanding me about my friend. You started to slander me, saying how I'm around there laughing and carrying on with some guy and how I even grabbed his ass. You then started to accuse me of liking my friend. I still remember that nasty look on your face when you said it. "You like that guy, don't you". I can't begin to describe the disgust I felt when you said these things to me. I felt mortified because, you accused me of trying to get with my friend. You made me out to be a cheap whore and I didn't deserve that. I think the question in the back of everybody's mind is this, if I really wanted my friend, would I have really tried to get with him while his child and girlfriend were present? Does that make any sense?
As the shit spewed from your mouth I got so upset that I just went silent. You caught me so off guard with this accusation that I didn't even know how to begin to respond. Truthfully, it didn't even make sense for me to respond because, when I tried to talk you didn't listen. You were hellbent on believing that I wanted my friend and no matter what I said, that's what you believed. When I saw that I was getting nowhere, I began ignoring you and turned on the stereo to play some music
I turned up the music while you continued to rant because honestly, I was beyond pissed. You came over and demanded I turned the music down. When I refused to do so, you began cursing at me. You swore at me, telling me that I was a fucking this and a fucking that. I paid you no mind and continued blasting my music. It didn't matter what I said because, you convinced yourself already that I was a whore. Why? Because I was playful with my friend. Back then I was really short fused and the least bit of confrontation gave me anxiety. So the aggressive approach towards me really didn't help. I'm not the greatest of communicators, in fact, I rarely speak. But, that definitely was not the way to approach the problem. Furthermore, you clearly didn't care about what I had to say. Obviously, you just wanted to slander me and make me feel less than.
When you realized that I wasn't paying you any attention, you got even angrier and started shouting. You swore at me, telling me to fuck off, then walked off and went into your room. I knew then and there, that this wasn't how people were supposed to talk to each other. And, I knew that this wasn't how a man was supposed to speak to his woman. I was quick to judge in the beginning of the relationship because, in the back of my mind, it always ends. One way or another, I always get left behind. So, when this situation arose, I said fuck you too and didn't move a muscle.
I was disgusted at how you spoke to me and treated me. No one had ever spoken to me with such utter disrespect and slandered me in such a way. I had made up my mind that I wasn't going to speak to you. I had made up my mind that I was going to keep my mouth shut and not fix anything. As the hours passed, I sat at our usual spot and listened some music. I had my earphones in and around 8:00 pm, you walked by me and went into the bathroom to shower. You took your bag with you and my heart jumped because, I thought you were packing up to go home.
I sat in anxiety and anticipation, waiting for you to come out. About an hour and a half later, you exited the bathroom and walked by me again. Taking your bag back into your room. On both interactions you said nothing to me, you simply walked by as though I didn't exist. As time went on, the sick feeling in the pit of my stomach began to grow more and more. I went inside my room and started contemplating whether or not to talk to you. I paced back and forth, I was extremely nervous because, I had never had a tough conversation before or faced confrontation.
When I finally made up my mind, I decided that the best thing to do, would actually be to talk it out. As I made my way to your room, I kept hesitating. I stopped several times and desperately tried to turn back. Everytime I stopped, I had to talk myself through it and convince myself that this is the right thing and it's what I needed to do. I pushed and pushed until I got to the corner of your door. It was here that I had to literally force myself to go inside. I was so nervous and afraid. My heart was beating a mile a minute and my gut was just telling me to run. Nevertheless, I fought through it all and found the strength to face you.
Growing up, I wasn't raised in a household that talked things out. Nobody cared about feelings or the other person's opinion. It was always just contention and anger. The way conflict was solved in our house was simply by waiting it out. Okay, you're mad at me. I'll give you a couple of days to cool off. Then, when some time had passed, one of these persons would do something generic, it was usually an offering made with food. Whenever my mother got angry at me and cursed me out, she'd usually come a couple of hours later with a plate of food and simply say, "Here". This was always the peace offering. There wasn't any formal apologies or anyone taking responsibility for their actions.
Throughout my life, this was the norm for me. I'd get cussed out, have all the anger taken out on me and I'd simply just sit and take it. Not once did I ever talk back to my mother, I was like a sponge, she cussed at me and I just absorbed it all. I think the craziest thing would be the fact that, when she started talking to me again, I felt a great relief. I felt so happy and relaxed and was glad that things could go back to normal now. I felt so good to be in her good graces again even though I did nothing wrong. So, in an effort to keep things peaceful, I became as docile as humanly possible. I tried to do everything in an attempt to appease my mother so that she wouldn't get mad. I learned pretty quickly that this was useless though. Because, no matter what I did, she always got angry and took it out on me, one way or another.
Deep down, I always knew that it wasn't supposed to be like this and I didn't want my relationship to be that way. I wanted open communication, a relationship where we could feel comfortable enough to come to each other about anything. I wanted that so badly and I knew how to do it but, communicating with you, didn't come easy at all. At this point of the relationship, I had already understood that you weren't an easy person to talk to. So, preconceived notions of your behavior really made me anxious and honestly, a little scared. You had already told me to fuck off earlier and you said some awful things about me. All this, truly manipulated my feelings and made me reluctant in sharing with you.
Looking back at it now, I really did try to communicate with you the best I knew how. But, whenever I tried to talk, an overwhelming nervousness would consume me and I can honestly say it was because of you. And, when I say that I know it sounds like I'm shifting the blame and not taking responsibility but, it's the truth. I could meet a complete stranger and I'd easily talk to them. I have never had an issue speaking to anyone, even about personal things. The only other person I ever had difficulty speaking to, was my mother. This was simply because in previous attempts to talk to her, she always judged me. She made me feel like a disappointment, like I did everything wrong.
So, when I realized that I couldn't talk to her, I just kept everything to myself. I never opened up, I never shared anything. This, was exactly how I felt with you. I could feel you judging me even before the conversation started. I didn't want to make past experiences with you or my mother define our relationship and the way we communicated. So, I tried to push through the feelings of discomfort in an effort to talk to you. I must admit however, that it never got any easier. As I pushed the door and entered your room, you laid there on the bed with your phone in hand as usual.
As I entered, I sat on the bed and we began talking. I tried to remain as calm as possible and tried to speak in a gentle manner. I'm not sure if I achieved that but I tried. I kept trying to explain to you that my friend was just that, a friend. I explained to you that we didn't see our behavior as inappropriate because that's just genuinely how we were with one another. Our relationship was completely platonic. Alas, no matter what I said, I was still greeted with anger. I tried explaining that it was innocent and there was no motive behind any of it. It didn't matter, I was still guilty in your eyes. When I realized that what I said still wasn't getting through, I moved to the edge of the bed and just remained silent.
Among the things you said, "I don't want my girl around any young guys", was one thing you dictated. Then you proceeded to tell me that if you had known that this is how I was, you would have never even looked at me. That night, all I got was utter criticism and destruction. Even after I admitted that okay, even though I didn't see it as inappropriate, I understood your feelings towards the situation and I promised not to do things like that anymore. I promised to changed the entire dynamic of my relationship with my long time friend, simply because my partner wasn't comfortable.
I  felt rather uneasy because, it felt like I was being forced to change and what made it worse is the fact that I honestly didn't do anything with the intention of causing hurt. I understood that even though I didn't see anything wrong with it, that it made you feel uncomfortable. I just really wished you would have trusted me and believed me when I told you that there was nothing between my friend and I. Little did I know, that this would only be the beginning of a war that I could never win. A war that I couldn't even fight in.
I think any reasonable person reading this, would agree that if I had any sense, I would have walked away,  right then and there. I didn't, I thought that okay, it's our first argument. You don't just quit the first time something goes wrong. You talk it out and try to fix the problem. As we continued to talk, I brought up the incident where you fed my cousin banana chips and how I didn't like it but, I didn't make a big deal out of it. You proceeded to tell me that you didn't know that this was a problem and didn't know that it bothered me. You then promised to never let something like that happen again. You seemed so nonchalant about the whole thing and you made me feel like I was bad for not being nonchalant as well.
Given my temperament I really started to question myself. Was I bad for not listening to your feelings the first time? Was I an awful person for grabbing my friends ass? Am I wrong to even have a male friend? I knew I wasn't great at communication and I had a bad attitude, so I really tried to work on  how I handled conflict. After this situation, I felt ashamed and embarrassed. I really believed that I was the problem. What added to this belief was in the fact that you told me that you had never spoken to someone the way you spoke to me earlier. You said you never spoke that way to anyone in your entire life and you were appalled. You also said that you felt awful because, my cousin probably heard you and that you wanted to go and apologize to her now.
In the back of my mind, I couldn't help but think about how you were so taken a back with how my cousin might have perceived you but not me. Up until this point, I didn't get any apologies. There wasn't any regret or remorse for how you treated me. But, my cousin? A person who wasn't even involved in the situation? Someone who probably didn't even hear you? They deserved an apology more than I did? At this point, the argument was dying down and I really just wanted to be done with it. So, instead of addressing that, I let it pass. After we finished talking and you were finally content with me rolling over, you came down to where I was and hugged me.
I don't want to lie, I can't remember if you apologized because, I can barely recall it. I believed as you hugged me, you said that you were sorry for the day and I in return, apologized as well. It felt good talking it out and coming to an understanding. I liked the feeling of open communication because, I wanted to make our relationship stronger. So, even if it started off rocky, we still managed to talk about it and work things out. After we talked, we climbed back into bed and cuddled each other. As I laid there in your arms, we went off to sleep and everything was okay.
The weeks went by and things were back to normal. Well as normal as it ever was. My cousin had to go home for a little while so it was just you and I. The comments about my weight and the need for me to start working out, began to grow more and more. I honestly did not like it. I had struggled with hating my body for most of my life. It was only recently that I stopped hating myself and began to feel comfortable in my own skin. Did I want to be thin and fit? Sure, who doesn't. But, that didn't mean I wanted to be constantly berated about my weight and made out to be morbidly obese.
My weight at the time was 180lbs and it did not hinder me from doing a single thing. I was doing more than the majority of females out there in terms of physical labour. My regular duties consisted of mowing the lawn, cleaning the pond of parasitic plant life that literally infested it, tending to the goats, cleaning the house, washing, cooking, cleaning plus everything else that needed to be done. I wasn't some kind of lazy gluten who only sat around eating and watching TV all day. I was fat and I still worked hard every single day of my life. You, the body builder however, preferred to stay inside for majority of the time and hardly lifted a finger to help.
I'm not gonna lie, I was comfortable the way I was and didn't see anything wrong with my body. Sure, I had some weight on me but I didn't hate myself. Furthermore, even if I planned to lose weight, the way you treated me only made me want to double down and not change a thing. You constantly pushed your ideals on me and I hated it, you knew I was fat when you started talking to me so why torture me about it now? I was always a firm believer in loving someone as they are, if my weight was affecting my health, then sure I'd understand your concerns. But, you blatantly stated that, "Majority of men prefer slim women. It's just more attractive"
Your view about the situation disgusted me. What made it worse is that you implied many times that I was "lazy" and this just pissed me off even more. I don't know any female that does the shit that I do. All the women I know are super soft and they don't know a thing about hard labour. I had never come across a single female that did the same kind of grunt work I did and yet, I was lazy?  The only woman I can say that works harder than I do, is my mother.
She's the person that taught me the value of hard work and the person that worked like a goddamn slave for all her life. Don't get me wrong, of course I wanted to be attractive for you but the way you handled it, made me not want to do anything for you at all.  The more you pushed me to lose weight, the more I refused. But, you never took no for an answer. You kept at it and continued to find every opportunity to diminish me about my weight. If I wasn't mentally strong, I definitely would have reverted to hating myself.
I think also, that I was reluctant in losing weight and working out because, for all my life, I had been judged by my mother about my weight. In my younger years, she'd compare me to my thinner cousins and I developed serious hatred towards myself for not being skinny. I recall once when I was around nine or so, being in the bathroom and staring at myself in the mirror. I got so angry at what I saw that I grabbed my belly and started hitting it. If I could have ripped of my belly at that moment, I would have.
I  hated the way I looked, I hated that I wasn't skinny. I hated that I had to be fat and not skinny like the other girls. I wanted so badly to be someone else. I wanted people to look at me the same way they looked at the skinny girls. I wanted to fit in and be like those giggly, popular, girly girls. But, I never was. There was one occasion where I was about ten or eleven and I had gone to a party with my cousins (the thin ones). It was night so my cousin and I fell asleep in the van. While there, my older cousin's boyfriend came and opened the door. My cousin was closer to the door, so as he opened it, she heard it and got up.
I woke up a little later but, I didn't get up immediately. As I laid there, I saw him look over at me. I was wearing a denim shorts that was a little above my knees. As he looked at me, I  saw disgust grow on his face. He twisted his mouth and turned up his nose like he was looking at filth. My cousin had gone outside and before she came back in, I heard him utter, "Ew", while still looking in my direction. I was ashamed and embarrassed, I felt so disgusted that I got up immediately and tried covering my legs with whatever I could find..
I always felt out of place around my cousins, not because of how they treated me or anything. They never judged me or treated me any different. But, because of how the people that they hung out with treated me. My cousins were tall, thin and extremely beautiful with long hair. Guys always drooled over them and I always just felt like an awkward third wheel. Guys would look at them with nothing but love in their eyes and would look at me like I was an animal attraction at the zoo (and not the cute ones, I might add)
For my entire life, I hated myself, both for who I was on the outside and on the inside. What changed everything, was when I stopped listening to what others had to say. I stopped caring completely about the thoughts and opinions of others. I realized that what people thought of me, had absolutely nothing to do with me. What became most important to me, was my opinion of myself. How I treated others. The kind of human being I was. Who I was on the inside became more significant to me than my appearance. I grew to love being the outcast, the lone wolf, the isolate. It was here that I no longer needed to fit in, nor did I want to.
I worked extremely hard on myself and the level of healing that I accomplished, was not going to be destroyed by anyone, including you. It seemed as though, you took every opportunity that presented itself, to comment on my weight. I know I might sound ignorant in not wanting to exercise, but it had never been a part of my life before. I was hellbent on believing that if you loved me, then you should love me as is and stop forcing me to change. You want me to exercise and lose weight? Fine, then allow me to do it in my own time and in the comfort of my own space. Criticizing and shaming someone isn't going to make them motivated to lose weight, it just makes them hate themselves. And no matter what I did, you were never satisfied with my pace. In your eyes I should have already been slim by yesterday.
What made it worse is that you made me so incredibly uncomfortable. On the night you took after me again, we were in the room and all you kept saying was how, "I'm literally a personal trainer and my girlfriend is fat. What do you think people are going to say?" I was appalled because, who the fuck cares what anyone has to say? Is public opinion more important to you? You then went on to say how "Shitty" it made you feel whenever my hands sweat. Are sweaty palms attributed to being overweight?  You then went on to say, if we were to have children how they'd probably lose their mother because she's unhealthy.
Guys, I'm not an asshole and I'm not an ignorant monster. If you had just approached me gently and aired your genuine concerns, I would have literally made a workout plan in an instant. Even if your sole reason for wanting me to lose weight was just to be slimmer. But no, you attacked a person that already had her defences up. You just made me double down and even more reluctant. Even if I wanted to be slimmer, I can guarantee I wouldn't have done it now, simply because I knew that's what you wanted and I wanted to spite you.
I would have done anything to please you because, I wanted to make you happy but, you never knew how to speak to me properly. You never, in any situation, approached me with gentleness. You inflicted your ideals and your demands upon me like I was your slave. All this, made me begin to resent you. Your idea of motivation was constantly talking about working out and how you love working out. Every opportunity you got to mention exercise, you took it, even when the conversation had nothing to do with the topic. I shit you not, you spoke about working out every single day. Out of nowhere you would begin flexing your muscles and continue to go on and on about working on your legs or arms or something.
"Working out", was literally 99% of your conversational capability and it showed. You got upset because, whenever you'd mention exercising, I wouldn't engage in the conversation. You'd literally just be talking to yourself. I don't know, if you realize that someone isn't interested in something, are you still going to be constantly pushing it? Most persons would say no. You, however? You kept at it, on and on, like a broken record. So, after we finished talking, even though I did not want to, I agreed to begin exercising. I once again, put the wants of my partner first. I was honestly just getting sick of hearing you bitch on and on. It was here that I realized, that I could get you to shut the fuck up and stop bitching about something if I simply just gave in.
Feeling like I betrayed myself once again, I sat at the edge of the bed with my back turned to you. You came and sat beside me and hugged me, placing your arms around my waist.
You whispered, "You're still beautiful to me".
I remained silent and just sat, quietly brooding. Your words meant nothing to me because, everything about you just seemed superficial to me now. After the conversation ended, we got up and went back around to my room. We went to bed and I don't know what the hell I was thinking. Since the very beginning there was nothing but red flags with you and I ignored every single one. I knew in my heart that there was something off about you and yet, I stayed. If it had been anybody else, I would have left long ago. All it took was for someone to say something that I didn't like and that would be it. *Poof* gone. But you? How could you do everything wrong and be everything I didn't want and still, I stuck around? I didn't have the answers then and I still don't.
My heart is a little heavy today. I keep thinking that somewhere out there, is someone who will love me. Someone who will show me what it means to truly be loved. To love me the way I have loved so many. Anyone who has come in contact with me has felt the intensity of my love. I wish, just for once, someone would come into my life and give me love. Genuine, real love. I don't even need it to be anything romantic, I would welcome just as much, genuine friendship. It all hurts so much today and all I can do, is tell myself that it's going to be okay. But, that's all I want, for someone, anyone, to hold me and tell me that everything will be okay.
I think one of the most awful feelings in life, is when you know what's happening but, you simply do not want to believe it. So, you hang on and ignore it. Pretending that nothing is wrong. You continue to work at it and try and try and try until there's nothing left to try. It's a sickening feeling. Is it that we're not good enough? What did we do wrong? Why do we feel so alone when our partner's are right beside us? Are we the problem.
Things got so bad that I remember looking through my wallpapers, hoping that if I selected the right one, you would love me again. You'd treat me better. Things would be good. I kept convincing myself that maybe, there's an object in my possession that's causing it. That if I got rid of something, things would get better. I tortured myself, simply because I could not and did not, want to believe that this was really happening to me. Not me, not again. I guess that's how the mind works, that when we're unable to comprehend our reality, we try to find ways to fix it. We do as much as we can and we go to the extreme. Even to the point of insanity.
August
As the best month ever rolled around, I was getting ready to celebrate my 23rd birthday. I was less than enthused, I mean my mom wasn't here and I just wasn't feeling the birthday spark. My female cousin and her brother came back over to spend the day with me and you were still here as well. My birthday gift from you was getting railed all over the house, the night before. I was so disappointed, I thought that having a boyfriend meant having someone that would make your life better.
That they would find ways to create special experiences and make days like your birthday an unforgettable memory. I didn't want anything expensive or to be lavished with trillions of gifts, all I've ever wanted was to be shown genuine love. Leading up to my birthday, you didn't mention anything. You didn't ask if there's anything I'd want or anything that I'd like to do. I fooled myself because, I kept thinking that maybe, just maybe you'd plan a surprise for me. I was disappointed on all accounts. I would have been satisfied with a bunch of flowers you picked from outside. Even if you made me a card, I would have been grateful. I just wanted to know that I was something to you.
I mean, was I wrong to expect something? Isn't that what you're supposed to do when you have someone special in your life? Nevertheless, it was just another disappointing birthday. The highlight of the night was my cousin and I getting drunk on a bottle of tequila. You and my other cousin just sat there, casually taking a sip of drink every now and then. My cousin and I were laughing and having a good time. All the while, I couldn't help but feel this emptiness in the pit of my stomach. It felt as though I had been missing something terribly. I didn't know what it was, but I knew deep down inside, that this isn't how it was supposed to be. I just didn't want to accept it.
As we were now adequately drunk, I decided that it was time for me to get some dick. I dragged you into the room and we started kissing. We got our clothes off and we started going at it. I was a little more aggressive than usual. I pushed you onto the bed and got on top of you. I began riding your dick and honestly, I was a drunken mess. As we switched positions and got into missionary, I became overwhelmed with emotions. As you continued to fuck me, I just couldn't take it anymore. And, I don't mean your dick. Everything that I had been keeping inside just came out and I started crying.
I tried really hard to hold it back because, I didn't want you to think that I was crying because of the sex. But, in the end it was futile. I was so desperate for consolation and love. Neither of which I was getting from anyone. I just couldn't hold it back any longer,  the tears flowed from my eyes for a while and after you asked me if I was okay and kissed me on my cheek, I realized that I should stop. So, I stopped crying and we switched positions again. About fifteen minutes later we were done.
I went and took a shower and came back inside and got into bed. I didn't say anything to you nor did I really look in your direction. In my drunken stupor, the disappointment and anger that I felt because you didn't make an effort for my birthday, festered inside. The overall experience of being with you began to take it's toll. Being with someone that was completely cold, distant and not affectionate in the least, made me twisted on the inside. I didn't want to see or talk to you in that moment.
As you sat at the edge of the bed eating the KFC that MY cousin bought, I just wished you would disappear. I fucking hated you and what made it worse is that you were so fucking dense that you didn't have any idea at all. You sat there, day in, day out, like a tourist on vacation. Never actually playing an active role in our relationship for anything good.
I feel as though I haven't painted a great description of what life was like with you thus far. A typical day with you was as follows: 1. Wake up (sometimes we'd have sex, sometimes we wouldn't) 2. I'd make you breakfast every, single morning. Not once did you ever even offer to make me a cup of coffee. 3. I'd do some kind of work: clean, mow the lawn, empty trash, etc. You, would stay inside on your phone. 4. My cousin or I would make dinner. 5. We'd all gather to eat. 6. Most nights we'd watch a movie together. 7. Go off to our room and probably fuck. 8. Sleep. 9. Repeat.
You didn't do anything for the majority of the time. I can recall once or twice, you actually coming out of the house and helping us. Now, don't get me wrong, I didn't have an ache about you not helping with the work. I had an ache with you just being there and not contributing in any way to our relationship. You just sat inside, day in and day out doing absolutely nothing. It felt like I had taken on the responsibility of a child. I wanted a partner, someone to play an active role in my life. Not a child that I needed to tend to. Fuck sakes.
This was how it was every, single, day and it was so draining. Your presence was never actually present and no matter how hard I tried, it was just so goddamn difficult with you. I tried talking, I tried doing fun things, I tried developing a closer bond but, everything I did felt as if it was in vain. Nothing seemed to get through to you and it just got to the point where I began to accept that this was just how you were. I felt so lost and confused. I questioned myself constantly, pondering if this is really worth pursuing. Life with you was comparable to a boot camp; reprimand with no reward
If all this wasn't enough, the cherry on top was your condescending attitude. I recall one night, me, you and my cousin were all in the room on our bed relaxing. The topic of conversation that came up was, 'Where is the diaphragm located?" I don't remember how this came about or why we were talking about it but nevertheless, it arose. You stated that the diaphragm was located in the chest. My cousin and I negated that. For some reason, we said that the diaphragm was located in your lower body, specifically like your abdomen or so.
It's no secret that my cousin and I can be idiots sometimes and we stood firm in our belief that, the diaphragm was located in the abdomen. We didn't say it as though we were shoving it down your throat or forcing you to believe. We simply stated what we thought.
"Where even is the diaphragm?", I believe my cousin asked.
"Your diaphragm is located in your chest". You answered.
We both looked at you rather questionably. We didn't believe that this was true. For some reason, we both thought that the diaphragm was a part of the reproductive system and so we said abdomen. As we continued to playfully disagree with you, you got so wound up that you searched for the answer on Google. When Google presented the results, the answer was in fact the chest. As soon as we heard this, my cousin and I burst out into laughter.
"Oh my god, we are so stupid", I said.
We laughed immensely. We couldn't believe that we actually thought that the diaphragm was located in our abdomen. We couldn't stop laughing, it was completely ridiculous. As we continued making a fool of ourselves, our joy was cut short with the following criticism.
"Wow. You guys really didn't know that? I literally thought it was common knowledge that everyone knows where the diaphragm is"
"Oh my god, I can't believe it. Wow. You guys really said it's located in the abdomen?"
As you continued to talk, your condescending tone and seriousness took hold of the atmosphere. What was once happy and filled with laughter, was now uncomfortably silent. We were simply joking and messing around, we weren't taking anything seriously. So, when you said the answer, we didn't make it a big deal, but you? You made it something more than it was. You saw an opportunity to make us feel small and you took it. This was a common trend with you, talking down to people as if you're superior. As you laughed at us and shook your head in dismay, I could see the visible discomfort on my cousins face. Was all this necessary? No, not in the least. We both remained silent as you continued to rip us to shreds.
I didn't understand why you took it so seriously and personally. I mean we literally called ourselves stupid when we found out the correct answer so, why did you feel offended? It's not like we were trying to make fun of you or make you feel stupid when we negated your answer. It was a simple conversation between the three of us and somehow it became this vendetta against my cousin and I. This was how it was since the very beginning, I just didn't know because you maintained silence for most of the time. But, lord knows when you finally opened your mouth, nothing but insults came out.
There were times when I'd get really sad and down. I have Poly Cystic Ovary Syndrome and it always caused me to have awful hormone fluctuations. One minute I'd be up and the next minute I'd be so far down. This also caused me to get angry at times and easily irritated. Whenever I got like this, I was never greeted with understanding. You simply said, "Oh my God, you're so emotional" in a most disgusted manner. I tried to keep my feelings at bay so that it wouldn't cause any problems between us but, there were times when I wished you would have been there for me. To just hold me when I felt like breaking. To just be there for me when things got dark. You never were.
You never did anything sweet or kind for me. So far the sweetest thing you did, was stay up to ensure that I didn't die from a fever in the night. You never kissed me, matter of fact the only time you did, was when we were about to have sex. You never hugged me. You never held my hand. You never did anything remotely affectionate. During this time, whatever affection and love there was in our relationship, it came from me. I was the one who showed love, I was the one that showered you with kisses and hugs. I was the one who brought warmth into our lives. When it came onto me as a partner, I cared for you through and through. Emotional, physical and even financial needs at times, were all taken care of by me. I took care of every need you had but, you never cared for my needs. I was always neglected. I didn't want or need constant affection and attention but, come on, at least show something.
After almost three months of this, my stomach was full. I was now looking for a way to get rid of you for a while. I didn't want to end my relationship with you but, after living with you for so long, I just needed some space. Just some time to be on my own again and look after my own needs. I just needed you to go home so, I could have some peace re-enter my life. It was so incredibly stressful and draining being around you.
I walked on eggshells every single day and I was always afraid that I'd do or say something that would make you upset. Being around you was a nightmare because, you got upset at literally everything. You found fault in everything. Things that any level-headed human being would see as a joke, you'd find offensive and take it personally. For fuck sakes, you even found problems with the music I listened to. If I talked too loudly, if I said something with passion, if I swore, if I sang an obscene lyric, fucking hell if I even gave my opinion. I was reprimanded and tortured. I wasn't in a relationship, I was in a military training camp and you wanted to be the drill sergeant.
It was about two weeks before my mom was set to come home. I made the excuse that I needed to clean up the place and that if you were here, I wouldn't be able to do it. I said I'd be easily distracted and I didn't want that so, it'd be best for you to go home. You didn't really want to leave but, you agreed to nevertheless. I remember the day you left, as soon as you walked out of the house, I went and locked the door. I recall taking a huge sigh of relief and finally being able to relax. I was over the fucking moon.
The following week, I began to miss you. After having you here for so long, I grew accustomed to you being around. I missed going grocery shopping with you and just having your company overall. I don't know why because honestly, as I've stated before, you weren't very nice to be around. But, I guess it beat being lonely, right? Yeah.
Today, I am just fucking angry. For the past couple of days I've just been in a fucking rage. I want so badly, to just eliminate you from my fucking memory. I want to stop thinking about you. I don't want to remember you even fucking exist. I hate you and I hate all that you've done to me. Can't nobody help, can't nobody reverse it. I'm stuck. I'm stuck in this fucking shit and I can't get out. The more I try to move, the more it sucks me back in.
I'm tired. I just want to wake up and be myself again. I just want to be okay. For fucks sake, I just want to be okay. I hate this life, everything about it. How wonderful it must be, to live a life without any trauma to unpack. To just be free of all the terrible, awful things that people have done to you. I wonder if I will ever be completely free of it or, will it follow me to death. I do not want to think anything about you anymore. I simply don't want to remember you. I want the days to go by and not have a single thought be about you. You are gone and yet, it feels like I'm living through the torture still. Most days are good. Most days it feels as though I can run a marathon or climb a mountain. But, some days. Some days, I feel as though my legs are broken and I have to learn how to walk all over again.
So, two days before my mom came home, you came and spent the day with me. I'm not gonna lie, I was super excited to see you. I don't know, there's just always that thrill in the air when you know someone special is coming over. I had decided the day before that, I was gonna make something special for you; a dish I knew you liked. It was a kind of noodle stir fry with chicken. This was the first dish we made together and so, it was really special to us both. I knew you liked it really spicy so I made sure to do so. I prepped all the ingredients the night before and as dawn broke the next day, I started cooking.
I woke up around 6:00 am. I wanted to get dolled up and have the food ready before you got here, so I made sure to wake up super early. I finished cooking around 7:00 am and as soon as I finished, I went to take a shower. No sooner than I finished showering, I heard the dogs barking. When I looked out the bathroom window, I saw that familiar strut coming towards the house. I thought to myself, "Fuuuuck, I'm not even ready!". I laid out this really cute outfit to put on for you and I didn't even get to wear it. Matter of fact, I didn't even have time to put on clothes. I answered the door still wrapped in my towel.
Honestly, I think the towel was the best option because you loved it. As soon as we got inside the house, you threw me on the bed and ripped the towel off. We started kissing and with every kiss you gave me, I could feel how much you missed me. You kissed me all over, from my lips, down to my neck and all over my breasts. As you kissed my entire body, you made your way down to my thighs. Gently, you parted my legs and slowly kissed my inner thighs. As your soft lips caressed my skin, I could feel the desire within me start to grow.
As I looked down at you, our eyes met and all I could see was an animal, ready to devour me. You continued to stared deep into my eyes and slowly, you began kissing my pussy. As you made your way down, you started sucking on my clit. Back and forth, you licked my clit like an ice cream cone. As I looked down at you again, the sight of my juices all over your mouth and moustache drove me wild. I pulled you up to me and sucked the juices right off your lips. I teased your tongue out and started sucking on it too. I wanted it so far down my throat that I could choke on it.
The more I sucked on your tongur, the more I could feel your cock harden. As I bit your lip, this was the final straw, you stopped kissing me and went straight back down to my pussy. You started to aggressively tongue fuck me and I got so wet that your entire face was covered in my juices. All this was just a tease, an appetizer before the entree. My pussy was soaking wet and I had enough of the tongue games, I wanted your cock inside me. As you continued to suck my pussy, I pushed my fingers through your hair and pushed your head back. I sat up and I looked into your eyes and said, "Fuck me Daddy". As soon as the words came out of my mouth, you immediately got up and took your clothes off. When your pants fell, I saw your stiff cock hiding under your boxers.
I laid back down and as you took your boxers off, you grabbed me by my legs and pulled me towards you. With half of my body off the bed, you spread me legs and started slapping your dick on my pussy. You gently rubbed your dick, back and forth on my clit, massaging it. As you continued to massage it, you could see the hunger growing in my eyes. And I, yours. You parted my legs farther and slowly, you put the tip of your cock inside me. My pussy was already dripping wet so it welcomed your stiff cock with ease. You started off slowly, rocking your dick in and out to stretch my tight pussy.
When you felt that I was ready for you, you started pounding my pussy. Something about the sex this time was so very different. I could feel the utmost effort, as though you were fucking me to make a point. It felt as though you were fucking me like you were never going to see me again. I could feel the desperation in your body. That morning, you fucked me about three times and each time you did, you ate my pussy. The last time I recall you fucking me like this, was a couple weeks ago when you had to leave. You fucked me non stop for about four rounds. You fucked me raw, my pussy and your cock were so fucking sore when we were done.
I don't know why but, for some reason it seemed as though you thought that you'd never see me again. So, you had to make a big statement before you left. When we finished having sex, I asked you if you were hungry. I told you that I'd made that dish you liked and that it was super spicy. You were really excited so, we got our clothes on and went into the kitchen. I dished out a big plate of food for you and we went and watched something on the TV in the front room. As soon as we finished eating, you were ready to get back at it. You started kissing me and then you said, "Do you want to taste Daddy's dick?". I nodded my head in approval and you got up and stood in front of me.
The side door was open and so I told you to go over and shut it so that no one would see us. When you came back over, I pulled your cock out of your pants and started sucking on it. You got so desperately excited again that you started forcing it down my throat. I eventually had to stop because, I had just eaten and I didn't want to throw up. You were understanding so, you pulled your shorts back up and sat back down beside me. Before you sat down, you placed your hand under my chin and kissed me. This kiss made me feel so tingly inside. I couldn't believe it. I had butterflies like a giggly teenager.
About half an hour later, you wanted another round. So, we went back into our room and went at it again. My pussy was beyond sore at this point. Initially, I knew that when you came over, sex was obviously going to be a must but, I didn't intend for it to be the only thing we did all day. I mean, I was honestly just looking forward to spending time with you. Yes, I wanted the sex too but, I don't know what I expected. I mean we didn't have a decent conversation for the three months you were here, so why did I think anything would be different now. Since the very beginning, I was on a constant pursuit of depth. I wanted to dive deeper into you, to see what made you tick, to understand your thoughts, your soul, your entire being. I wanted us to have a deep and meaningful connection and I tried so hard to build that.
The connection between us was definitely there and I knew that if I could get you to open up, our relationship would be unlike any other. What I felt for you, was a depth of feeling that I had never felt for another. It felt like this all-consuming energy. The kind that just pulls you in. But, that's the thing, it didn't feel bad. It just felt extremely powerful and this kinda frightened me. It was such an extremely strong feeling that, it intrigued me to the core. I wanted to explore it, to feel it in all its glory. To see what it truly was. I had only ever gotten a glimpse of it and ever since then, I'd been after it.
When we finished up on the last round, we went outside to our spot and spent the remainder of our time together there. My mom had called to check up on me and that was the very first time I let on that we'd been hanging out. I told her that you came and spent the day with me and that I was about to see you off. This for me, was a big step. Plus, I was already under pressure from you, for us to go public, meaning to tell my mom. I just wasn't ready. I didn't want to rush anything. I mean I know it all went so far already but, in terms of publicly being out. I was okay with being taken for a fool behind closed doors but, in the open? In front of my family? I just wasn't ready to risk that.
After I got off the phone, I followed you to get a taxi. Before we stepped out of the house, you gave me a tight hug and kissed me. I'm not gonna lie, this had been a fairly good day for me and I'm glad that I had gotten to spend some time with you. It was around 4:00 pm and luckily as we stepped out, you got a taxi. I went back inside and ate the rest of the food and just sat reminiscing on the day. You texted me as soon as you got in and things at this point, I'm not gonna lie. Things were feeling pretty damn good.