Summary - It was always been you and Bucky, alone together, you'd say. But suddenly, you're just alone.
And then all you have is yourself - a you that you hate.
When those people died because of you - you throw yourself back in.
When you find out about Sharon and Bucky, you have the game.
It's a good game - you tell yourself.
You're always winning.
You're perfect at it.
It's all a game to you - you've convinced yourself that you'll be happy once you win. That is, until you lose.
Discussion of eating disorder relapse and recovery.
Trigger/Content Warnings:
Eating Disorder Relapse, Eating Disorder Recovery, Vomiting, Suicide Ideation
Originally Posted - December 2020
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"Where is she?" Bucky demands, eyes frantically searching the MedBay were Steve told him you were.
Steve sighs, arms crossed, upset that they let you go when you were very clearly unwell. They said you were just dehydrated, a little malnourished. You lied and said you were sick last week, when you and Steve both knew that you were perfectly fine last week. "They cleared her. She took off the second they told her she was good to go."
Bucky sighs in relief. "So she's okay?"
"Okay?" Steve scoffs. "No, she's not okay. She's so far from okay. She collapsed in the middle of a mission. That's not okay!"
"So what happened then, Steve?" Bucky urges.
Steve exhales in frustration. The two of you were friends, good friends even, but he never really knew how to get through to you. Not when you were like this. Heck, he'd never even seen you like this. "I don't know- I-I think she's doing it again."
"She isn't. I would have noticed."
"Would you notice? You've been a little...preoccupied lately."
"Don't start, Steve."
He shrugs in innocence, "I'm not. I'm really not, but she's pulled away. When she's here, she's training - harder than any of the rest of us. She's not even developing her powers, she's physically training. You can see it, Bucky. Her uniform doesn't even fit her anymore, she was an hour late for the mission, she locked us all out of her room. She's doing it again."
"No, she's not! I would know!"
Now, Steve's getting mad, he sees your self-destructive behavior and the way you're tearing yourself apart. It hurts him to see his friend like that. "And I'm telling you that you wouldn't have! You know firsthand how good she is at hiding what she needs to hide. You're never even here! You can't see anything past you and Sharon!"
"Is that what this is about? Another lecture about me and Sharon? I don't need this."
Steve takes a deep, semi-calming breath, desperately trying to deescalate the situation. If only because the two of them fighting isn't going to help you. "I'm not lecturing you about Sharon, I'm telling you that you're being a bad friend right now. And right now, our friend needs you." Bucky huffs in frustration but waits for Steve to continue. "Since that mission - she took it hard those people dying. If you hadn't noticed, she's been really struggling lately. I haven't seen her outside her room in months."
"That was months ago, Steve, I talked to her, she was fine," Bucky says, simultaneously trying to convince himself and Steve. He knows that you two hadn't spoken, really spoken, in months. And he knew he was mostly to blame for that.
"Are you sure about that?"
Bucky scoffs, "Piss off, Steve, I'm sure."
"Well Tony's pissed, he's benching her until further notice."
