Venting Book

Vent 1

So...hello there and welcome to the first vent of the series!

I'm probably going to sound really sad or just immature or maybe I'm overreacting but please bear with me. If you wanna hate, don't read it. Well, if you do, though, post it on my feed. I'm happy to receive insight on if I overreact.

I'm feeling kind of low thinking about how I've been these past years. It probably isn't good.

As a kid, I'm pretty sure I was bossy and always wanted my way. Smart, yes, but bossy. And overweight(still am- not visibly tho ig). I'm pretty sure I wasn't the best person as a toddler, but I can't remember. My mom did tell me I could compromise when I was a toddler and let others have their way, so maybe I got bossier at six.

I associated with the weird kids in kinder and stared at ants walking. Someone that picked boogers and someone else...I don't know, but the class stereotype was that they were weird...I also indirectly kissed someone? That's for later.

But fourth grade is where it all started. We came out of online school, after COVID...and to say the least, I was an *idiot*. You heard me right. After a year of neglecting homework and not studying the curriculum(and failing miserably- lucky I didn't get held back in third grade) I was stupid as heck. And I was very, very immature. I know I needed to grow up and should've back then. Leaves me with a lot of bad thoughts now.

I tried very very hard to fit in with the "popular kids", the kids that spouted memes during class. I tried to be just like them, but I guess I was still bad. I barely studied and expected to get A+'s (mostly I got B's tho)...and now I feel terrible thinking about it. I expected to be thought of as mature while I laughed at literally anything. I expected to be top of the class. I expected to have stellar handwriting. With no effort. It makes me sad how I thought back then and I wish I could change that. Two things stuck with me that year. 1. I kicked a kid's hand. He was being a b about winning a dodgeball match and was rubbing in our faces that we lost. I kicked his hand and he started crying and I still remember that three years later. 2. I didn't win anything that year. That...really stuck with me. I was sad about it because everyone else won something while I got no certificates. I know I deserved it, but I guess it's part of the reason I'm so anxious about my grades now. 

I decided to make a change when I transferred to a new school in the second semester of 5th grade. That left me with the anxiety I have today. If I was too loud, too annoying, too immature, why didn't I turn into the opposite? Why wouldn't I make a big change? So I stayed quiet and reserved and still worried about my looks and my maturity. I copied another girl's haircut once. That thought is still there. The self worth I felt with straight bangs in the mirror, the fear she'd notice and call me out for it. But I realized I looked just as hideous as always. I had to be more confident and stop following others. I was quiet and soft spoken, not at all what I was like before.

I grew a bit out of my shell in 6th grade, and talked a bit more, got runner up in class representative elections, and whatnot. I was still very quiet though. I barely talked with my family friends...and I got into anime. One of my family friends started bringing that up, calling me weird anime kid and whatever. I took it in stride, 'cause that's how she usually is. But now, thinking about it, I'm not sure she ever liked me as a friend. She calls me chubby...'cause I'm bigger than her width wise...and yeah...the entire friend group looks at me weird. I'm not completely the quiet person I was before, or the bossy brat, but I hate that they still see me for it. Also, I stuttered online...and that made someone think of me as a pick me and now I'm desperately trying to be seen as not that. I think I'm concerned for my image.

Then there was the dance in 6th grade. Being in close proximity with a boy from my class(only) makes me uncomfortable. So does my PE teacher. I feel terrible, especially because PE is athletics and I can't do that very well. I'm short, yes, but I think I look like a pig. I'm not that big...probably...just have a bit of a stomach...but I fit into waist size 24 in pants? I don't know, that's beyond the point. I hate my image and I guess my body too(maybe it's my shoulders. I guess they're kinda broad). 

But I don't like being heavy, especially because everyone's lightweight or skinny or both. And I'm...there...I don't think anyone sees me like that, but I'd be damned if they do. I kept messing up in the partner dance and got my partner and myself held back, leaving me with a sense of guilt and fear of messing up. I guess my journey probably changed me for the worse. I feel like I'm the cause of all the problems, it's me. And only me. I do remember one of the kids(who I sort of talk with) tell my dance partner, "It's not your fault, it's {name}'s fault." I feel like I was close to tears for most of those.

Then there's my extended family. They expect us to be perfect because we come from America, the land of the free. They judge us for not being there. My parents want me to go out more and socialize. I don't like it. Socializing is scary. I know people are there for me(right?) and that they care, but I don't want to disappoint them. My parents say hurtful things sometimes...I guess that's for another time.

I hate being a midget(4'7).
I hate being overweight(103 pounds).
I hate feeling like I do everything wrong.
I hate feeling like everyone's staring.
I hate feeling hated.
I hate feeling like I'm annoying the shit out of people.
I hate feeling pathetic and weak and out of place.
I hate feeling ashamed of myself for my skin tone or my arm size.

I hate it all. I want to start all over, rebuild my reputation...but we all know that ain't happening.

side note: what if I made my own story into someone's angst lol

side note II: is this angst?

Thanks for reading to the end!