The time line
You're sitting in your desk. You've been passing notes with this cute boy. He doesn't notice you as often as you notice him.
You picture your life.
"You're on a beach. Just running along the low waters by the sand.
You look behind every 10 seconds checking for that certain someone chasing after you. But when you look back again for like the tenth time you see he's not there.
You fall to your knees. Thinking that no one will come. What if you never find that certain someone? You start to cry."
A tear drops down your face, dripping onto the letter you were bout to send his way. You crumble the letter and loss it in the trash.
You decide to never give him the letter, and head home after school not talking to him. Once you get home, you lay in bed picturing your self, years later.
"Years later . . . (College)
Your walking to your class as you run into some one. You say sorry, but when you hear that deep sexy voice you look up into his eyes.
You think to yourself that he's the most sexist thing you ever saw.
He's looking at you that same way to feel when you look at him.
Laser on in life y'all hang out a lot. Y'all become so much closer it doesn't take him long to finally ask you out and when he does you say yes."
Your thoughts stop as you slowly drift to sleep. Once you wake up ready for the next day, you write out what you dreamed of in class and before bed. On your walk to school you start to continue your story.
"Many years later . . . Adulthood
Your siting in your room in your new house. You just moved in with your boyfriend. (Same one from collage)
He's every thing you ever imagined in your many dreams of love. You never thought it would ever come through though it's happening now.
Your looking at all the memories of when you were so numb to the world around you. You see a picture of that day on the beach.
The one with you crying as you thought and felt of hopelessness. You smile to your self. ' if only I can back in time to tell that old me it gets better.' You think to yourself.
Your boyfriend walks in, " you ready?" Is all he asks as you get up and slip your hand in his. " for anything." You say."
You reach the door to your class. Remembering that cute boy that you wanted to talk to. You see him and hide. Slowly peeking around the corner you see him go into the classroom. You avoid him for the rest of the day, not once wanting to interact with him. Walking home you can't help but picture your story continuing.
"4 years later . . . ( the new bargaining )
Your in the park with the man you love and your dog playing frisbee. ( still same boyfriend) he walks up to you. He gets down on one knee and asks the unthinkable. All you can think about is that day, the day you fell into depression but then think of all the great memories you had with this guy and you push that sad thought away forever, " will you marry me" is all he asks. You then say yes."
By Wednesday you are done trying to impress him. You are done trying to approach him or even avoid him. You walk around with your head down, knowing that it's okay, because you still have your personal story. Your unrealistic story.
"1 year later . . . (the memory)
It's the day of the wedding. You already walked down the lane into the arms of your man. Now your leaving on forward to your honeymoon"
It's now Thursday as you start to walk past the group of kids that you used to hangout with. He's there, but you don't care. You walk past anyway. He calls out to you, but you ignore him. You are already happy with your unrealistic story, no need to complicate your real one.
"6 months later . . . (The meaning)
You look down at the stick like it holds the meaning is life. But it only holds the future. Your in your bathroom your husband is on the bed siting in y'all's room. He is just nerves as you maybe more. You looks away from him and at the stick again. " it's positive " is all you say but your thinking so much more."
You are so excited. You had a kid in your unrealistic story. Your crush no longer matters to you, as you walk past the door to his class. You are already happy with what you have.
"You picture that your 37 now . . . (Family)
Your standing in the hallway leading down stairs to your wonderful kids and husband. You looks at the photos one by one as they hang on the wall. The one that stops you is the family photo 4 kids one girl and 3 boys. Plus your husband."
It's Friday and you realize that this unrealistic story doesn't matter. You don't matter. You lost your chance with the cute boy. You were too focused on what you had in your dreams, and wonders, that you lost track of what was really happening.
"Your old age . . . (The end)
Your husband already died, but the memory moves on with your kids as your ready to join him. You're okay with it. You say good bye then your gone."
You hold the bottle of pills ready to swallow every last one. Telling yourself this is for love. You lived one life already in your head, there's no reason to have another. You've planned out every aspect of your unrealistic life. Every single detail. You see that it only ends one way. Not wanting to live through that suffering in your real life. You swallow the pills, ready to dream forever. Only this time you can choose better.
