Loneliness was, is, and always will be my life; my essence; my existence.
My eyes hurt as the tears cascaded down my cheeks, mingling with my hair and making it damp, though the pain was almost none to that I could feel within my heart and soul alike.
Breath came too short and difficult-- words could never even be formed, let alone spoken, which I could not have done despite myself.
My body quivered and shook, racked with quiet sobs and my harsh breathing.
I would not be consoled, or comforted, no matter the loved, the tactic or the tenderness.
I would not be loved, or comforted, or commented with pity and sympathy.
I did not need it.
I did not want it.
I did not move, did not speak, did not eat.
I just lay there in my own pathetic warmth, asleep, wishing I would ebb, to spare me the pain.
To spare myself with the ignorance I pretended I had, while my very core seemed to die with the knowledge I feigned I had not, wanting to be like she who did not delude herself with such a lie when I knew I could not.
I lied to and betrayed my own heart in hopes of something better. All was a lie that was my heart. I was so consumed by them that soon enough I would not know the name of Truth. I almost wished I already did not, to lessen the pain that surely could not grow worse.
My dreams became lies to my own mind, bidding Death to my bedside to whisper sentences of leaving this world-- oh, how cruel it was to me, giving me that which would never be, where I could not recieve such a welcome thing, where I could never accept it, if even it became true to those who watched.
I had no regrets. There was nothing which could mean anything to me save my pain and loneliness. I meant nothing to them, thus the ravaged dust that was my heart could slowly be salvaged, though would be delicate.
It would matter not, however-- for then, there would be none to break such a thing.
Not even myself and my own knowing.
Loneliness was my constant and my refuge, the only thing I could take comfort in.
And that would never be taken from me.
Not so long as I lay here, dreaming eternally for those who I had loved, once upon a time.
