Euphoria || tronnor ||

O n e

(A/n: a lot of this book will be from Connors pov, but if I do change it it'll say)
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Connor's POV:

I was sitting on my couch in my living room with my Best friend Tyler when I heard the doorbell ring. Tyler popped off the couch and answered it immediately. To me it didn't really matter who it was, the only person who comes over is Tyler.

"Thank you" Tyler said and closed the door. He walked over to me with a small cube box wrapped in golden paper with a ribbon on it.

"Central New York..hmm" he said observing the mailing label. He gave me a questioning look.

"What, I'm just as confused as you are..it's probably fan mail or something I ordered online." I said and shrugged.

"Why would something you ordered online come wrapped in golden paper and with a ribbon...also side note who the fuck delivers at 10 pm on a Tuesday night?!! Anyway if anything it's some mega fan who found your address." Tyler said raising an eyebrow and smirking. He was right about the late delivery, but it's happened to me once before when I ordered something off amazon prime.

"Okay mr confident about everything..." I chuckled and he started laughing. "Just put it on the table I'll worry about it later" I said and he did so.

We watched a movie together before he rushed out of the door when he remembered he had to be "somewhere". I actually didn't care if he made an excuse to leave or if he was telling the truth. I love Tyler but I sometimes wanted alone time..today was one of those days. The normal side of me was masked with a smile, Tyler didn't deserve to see me the way I regularly am. No one does.

I grabbed the box, went to my room, and sat on my bed. Inside the box I found a bracelet made out of thin strands of braided brown leather, there was a small dusted gold heart outline as the charm in the middle. It looked pretty nice and I liked bracelets so I put it on with the heart facing inward so only I could see it.

There was also a note in the box with the words "Please Read". I smiled at the thought of the letters fans write me telling me all the cute reasons why I make them happy. I opened the note and read it.

"Connor.
I see it. Under the mask you put on. You are struggling to see things clearly.. I promise you'll find bliss whoever or whatever it is, maybe you'll alas find yourself. I'm just an observer, a fan I guess, but I see what no one else does.
Wear this and remember to look a little deeper, go where the light shines, and if no light shines create your own path. You have the power to light up the way.
Find your euphoria con.
xx just a fan xx"

I was confused at how she knew all of this. I was frowning because I knew it was true. I'm not happy, haven't been for the longest time, but I pretend to be for everyone so they won't worry. I've left o2l in hopes that that was part of the pressure but I still feel like the same me I was while I was still a part of it. Maybe even more.

You see I'm not sure why I'm unhappy but I'm definitely not planning on finding out why. I'm actually not planning to finding anything at all, the whole thought of the unknown mortified me.

"What is she talking about, I've found bliss right? Ignorance is bliss because it's better leaving things alone than to find something I don't want and having to deal with it." I said to myself and put the note back in the box and threw it to the corner of my room.

I flopped on my bed and stared at the ceiling. Thoughts rang through my head shouting for me to pay attention to them. This always happened, it stopped me from falling asleep at night, it stopped my motivation, it stopped me from many things. This time there were more, they were louder and stronger than ever. My head was pounding and it felt like I was spinning.

"Please shut up mind." I begged as I put my hands on both sides of my temples and squeezed my head slightly. It only got worse. By midnight I was in tears from the pain both physical and emotional.

"Stop!!" I shouted at myself as tears rolled down my face. "stop crying..why are you crying..stop crying!!" I begged.

"Ignore it Connor this is normal right?" I said trying to calm myself down but a few seconds later thoughts were piercing the insides of my head like knives. It was like the thoughts inside my head were thousands of tiny people begging to be let out.

"STOP PLEASE STOP" i said putting my hands over my eyes squeezing my head to ease the pain. Unfortunately that never works and I had no idea why I thought it would work this time. I walked into the bathroom and stood in front of my mirror. My burning eyes were filled with red and there was a constant flow of tears flowing down my face.

"Why? Why does this keep happening, this isn't normal. Why?" I wept. I stood there for a second trying to stop crying but it wouldn't stop.

"THIS IS NOT NORMAL!! IM NOT NORMAL..IM A FREAK!! I HATE MYSELF" I shouted at my reflection choking back tears.

"Please make it stop. Make it all stop. I want it to stop" I said helplessly. I sat in the corner of the bathroom floor feeling numb to all feelings as the cold tile stung my bottom.

What if you aren't normal? Why is different a bad thing? Why am I different? Why do I feel this way? Why do I hate myself? Is there something I need to know? What if this is a good thing?

I stopped crying when these questions started running through my mind. I started to catch my breath. My eyes and head stung but not as bad as before. Why did it stop when I let these questions stamp themselves in my thoughts. I didn't want it to happen but I couldn't take it anymore. Bad, good, and hate were the three things that I didn't understand. What exactly do they mean to me? I don't know the reason for any of this but all I know is that it's only gonna get harder..and I dreaded the thought of that.