Mentality Isn't Everything

My heart has sunk to the bottom of my stomach, why is this happening to me? I can’t deal with this, this is not right. Yesterday was just so bloody normal. Tears are rolling down my face, I’m dreaming, it has to be because things like this shouldn’t be happening.

It WAS a lovely Saturday morning, I got up ready for a day at the dance studio, my performance was in a couple of weeks and I was excited. My mum got me up by pulling the curtains open, usually I wouldn’t be too happy with that but today felt different and I was fine. I put my leo and shorts on and my brother walks past the hallway and makes a smart comment, I just brush it off like I usually do. “Anna, we’re going to be late to practice” I hear my mum yell over the start of the car engine. I run down grabbing a piece of toast from the kitchen, my mum always made toast with butter and jam for me in the morning. By the time I got in the car and ate my toast we were already at the studio, I said good bye to my mum as I give her a kiss and rush out the car.

Dance training was intense, we did so much work on technique and it was horrible. Only two hours into my long 5 hour day I was already about to D I E! During our routine my phone rings and my coach hates phones rings. She yells at me to turn it off and I did and got straight back into practice, I didn’t want to get into more trouble. My phone sits on top of my bag and from the corner of my eye I could always see my phone ringing, I don’t think much of it, maybe it was dad telling me I left something at home or didn’t put the dishes away. I mean what was the harm of not answering my phone?

Dance finished and I looked at my phone, 31 missed calls…..wow. I ring mum but no answer and I ring my dad and still, nothing. I could see the bus at the stop lights so I hurried over but why weren’t my parents answering the phone?

I’m home now, my brother and dad on the couch. Heads down.  Holding tight onto each other. I ask what’s happening and my dad begins to speak. I hear the words ‘mum’ and ‘train’ and ‘suicide’ and I froze. I take a deeeeep breath and turn around and walk to my room. Everything is trying to process and when it did I broke down. I’m crying. I’m done. NO!

I grab my phone and look through all the missed calls from my mum, just praying she will call once more. I have one voice message…. I’m starring at my phone, the tears are still pouring down. Should I listen to it? Should I leave it? So many things ran through my mind. I bring myself to listen to it.

“Anna, baby. I love you with all my heart. Make mamma proud okay? I love you my little girl”

I’m on my bed hugging my legs, knees pressed against my chest.  Could I have stopped my mum from committing if I just answer my stupid phone? Was I the reason for this? I’m not thinking straight but I know it was MY FAULT. I miss her, I miss her voice but I need to know if I could of stopped her?

Why not ask her myself?