Impossibilities

"You're both fucking ridiculous, you know that?" Taemin said while throwing off clothes backstage and changing into the next outfit.

"What are you even talking about?" Jonghyun is hopping on one foot, trying to shimmy out of the tight white used for performing Everybody..

"You and Key. There's something there, but you both pretend like there isn't." Taemin was already dressed and headed to one of the stylist noonas across the room for a touch-up when Jonghyun picked his jaw up off the ground. He didn't get a chance to respond to Taemin's absurd accusations until a couple of songs later as they were running to the dressing rooms.

"It's not like that, you should know. Key and I, we're not- we don't feel that way towards each other." Jonghyun felt stupid saying the words out loud like that because it was completely obvious that it was a lie.

"That's such bullshit and you know it." Taemin stopped outside the door and gave him a sad look, one that was genuine and that held a kind of hurt that Jonghyun didn't understand.

They didn't get a chance to talk after that, the others caught up quickly, and the concert went on. Because Jonghyun was a professional, and a coward, he pushed it all to the back of his mind. He didn't think of anything else except singing, the fans, the choreography, and reminding himself not to trip over the uneven parts of the stage.

He'd fight the thought when he caught glimpses of Key while they danced, or when he heard his voice. Jonghyun didn't want to think about being in love with him anymore, he had thought about it too much already. He just wanted to forget about it and no longer wallow in the hopeless feeling of knowing that even if Kibum felt the same, that it could never work out. He would give himself those moments of hope when he caught Key's eyes, he let himself think 'I could deal with anything if he was right next to me.'

Reality would crash down on him sooner or later when he remembered that Key probably didn't feel the same way. He had been told by many -- managers, friends, and fans -- that his feelings were obvious by the way he looked at him, but if they were so obvious, why hadn't Key noticed?

The concert finished without a hitch, but Jonghyun's mood was sour afterwards. He was mad that Taemin even brought it up, the youngest always having a horrible timing with his honesty, and he was mad that he still felt the same way about Key after so many years.

He was finally able to confront the maknae a few days later, after practice. The others had left earlier. Jonghyun and Taemin stayed behind to practice a bit more-- one because he was simply a bad dancer in reality and the other because he was a perfectionist. Jonghyun had wanted to go home for a while before the recording of Blue Night, but that didn't seem possible anymore.

"Why did you have to bring it up? I was fine keeping it under control before, but I just can't stop thinking about it!" Jonghyun was sitting crosslegged on the floor, garing at Taemin's reflection in the mirror.

Taemin turned around and gave him the same strangely sad expression from before. "Because if you don't do something about it soon, you'll regret it."

Jonghyun felt tired and frustrated and Taemin wasn't speaking clearly. He just wanted a straight answer, not some cryptic remark.

"If you're telling me to confess, it's not going to happen." Jonghyun was getting angry, angry that Taemin could talk about it like they were some kids in school. Like their careers and their lives couldn't be destroyed by it.

"You're hurting him and yourself, this isn't doing anyone any good."

Jonghyun was perplexed, choosing to remain silent instead of screaming that he was doing everything he could to protect him.