Life Isn't Fair

Why Stay?

                  

Idina's POV

My life is like the city. People are constantly coming and going, no one really wants to stay, and it truly never sleeps.

It's been two weeks since James left and I feel completely numb. Like I'm not myself anymore. My mind is constantly in a cloudy haze and my head feels as if it's full of concrete. I stay up all hours of the night thinking and regretting. Wanting to grieve, but not capable of feeling any emotion. And when I can't bare the thought of him not coming back I cry myself to sleep. And on those rare nights I finally do I wake up with my pillow covered in tears and my clothes and blankets drenched in my sweat.

Most mornings I wake up and get Walker off to school and lay back down. Clutching my phone to my chest hoping and waiting for him to call. He never does, bringing me closer and closer to the edge of giving up. Not giving up on him, but more along the lines of giving up on myself. I've failed my children as a mother, wrecked my marriage all together and probably my career.

The majority of people would wonder why I don't fight for him. Why am I not vying to get him back in my life? That I should beg for him to come home, but begging isn't necessary. He was right when he said we needed time. Everything he said right. And everything he didn't say was true too.

I have no right to 'beg' for his forgiveness nor do I want to beg. Yes I regret the choice I made and everything that followed afterwards, but I don't expect him to forgive me. Ever. But yes I want him back. More than anything in this entire world.

And then there was Taye's death. Which my mind had no room to accept nor did it have the power to grieve. Even if I did I wouldn't know how to feel. I know I'd want to feel relief and happiness that the man who almost killed me is finally dead and gone. But like always Id end up being more miserable than I already am and on the verge of a psychotic break down. If I'm not there already.

This morning I had to mentally and physically drag my sad and depressed ass out of bed. I made Walker a lunch and put it in his lunch box. I made sure his backpack was ready and then woke him up. I gave him a bowl of cereal and made him brush his teeth. I let him pick out his own clothes and dress himself. I gave him a kiss on the lips then the cheek and opened our front door.

"Have a good day at school swirl! Mommy loves you!" he giggle, the nanny took his hand and walked down the hall.

I shut the door and sighed. I plodded to the kitchen and looked through the empty cabinets attempting to find something to eat. Nothing of course. I eye the bottle of wine sitting on the counter, but retreat to my bedroom instead. I sit on the edge of my mattress and scroll through my phone. I read through old texts between James and I and let the tears fall. I threw my phone next to me and ran to the bathroom. I took off my pajamas I'd been wearing the past 3 days and turned on the shower. I stepped in and let the water cascade down my back. I inhaled the steam, grabbed my loofa and body wash and soaped up my body. I lathered my hair with shampoo, rinsed and applied conditioner. I finished my shower and wrapped myself in a towel. I threw some actual clothes on and made my hair look half way decent. I tossed my wallet into my purse and grabbed my phone from my bed. I slipped into a pair of converses and checked to make sure all my lights were off then locked my front door and walked to the elevator.

I hit the 'Main Floor' button and waited. And waited. And waited. After what felt like an eternity I heard a ding and the doors flew open. Without looking up from my phone I walked out of the elevator and then ran into a rather flimsy wall.

"Idina..."

"James? What are you doing here?" I ask trying to compose myself. His eyes were blood shot from what I assumed was crying and he hadn't shaven in at least a week.

"I came to talk" he said helping me up.

"Okay... Let's talk..."

"Give me one reason why I should stay," he said with tears in his eyes.

So I ask myself why stay? Why stay? Enduring, and coping, and hurting and hoping for day after fucking day- Why stay? Why not simply end it? We'd all comprehend it, and most of the world would say "He's better off that way, to be free. And maybe so is she."

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