My life

Numb

I am numb. Numb to the feeling of pain. I cannot feel I am just floating. Just existing nothing more nothing less. Why am I feeling this way you ask. Well I have just been told I have only two weeks to live. Maximum. I Have lung cancer. I have been fighting it for two years now. In and out of chemotherapy it has all resulted in this. I used to live a normal life. I had friends and so on but when I developed my disease I was like some sort of bomb. I was something everyone avoided. I got strange looks and so Mum decided it was best if I just got home schooled. I do not see the point really. I was never going to live long enough to get a job and have a family and so forth.

Now my whole life is just a waste of effort a waist of oxygen. I am just a pest to my parents something they have to look after. They would never admit it but we all know it. I just feel sorry for my little sister. Why should she have to deal with her older sister dying right before her eyes. I want to protect her. But I am the thing she needs protecting from. I remember the day she was born. It has been the greatest day of my life. She has been what has held my family together. She was only seven when I was diagnosed and I was fourteen.

I don't know what I did to deserve this. I believe in my previous life I must have done some very horrific things. I think the only positive that has come out of this result is that I don't have to do chemo anymore. Yay!! I have always known this day would come. I just didn't expect it to come so soon. Today is supposed to be my birthday. I guess God has a very sick idea of humour. I don't have any friends to invite over. I wouldn't want to anyway. I am embarrassed. Would you invite anyone over if you were bald and ugly? No I didn't think so.

I don't think my parents will know what to do with themselves when I am gone. I think they will have a better life without me. Then they can finally start spending some family time with Sammy. I think she will grow up to have boys begging at her feet for her to go out with them. She is a spitting image of Mum but has dad's personality unlike me where I am nothing like either. I suppose they think they picked up the wrong baby at birth. I bet they would gladly get a refund.

So let's start from the beginning shall we. Where all of this started.