We Are A Secret // Larry Stylinson

Harry's P.O.V. - I Love You Louis, Forever and Always

This Chapter; Harry's POV is inspired by the song When I Was Your Man by Bruno Mars

Warning; alcohol and suicide

Words: 1,206

(works best if you listen to When I Was Your Man while reading; song at the side)

Same bed but it feels just a little bit bigger now,

Our song on the radio but it don’t sound the same.

When our friends talk about you all it does is just tear me down,

Cause my heart breaks a little when I hear your name.

           Harry laid awake on his and Louis bed. Or should he say; used to his and Louis’ bed. It smelled exactly like him and Louis; which only made his heart clench more. The bed felt cold without Louis, and Harry can’t really do anything about it but just wrap himself with the duvet.

‘It’s done. ‘Harry thought, gripping the material wrapped tightly around him.  ‘It’s over. ‘

And then all of a sudden, the moments he used to share with Louis flashed back. From the X-Factor, up to present. It left Harry's eyes fill with tears, but he didn't let them fall. Because for Harry, crying is a sign of  weakness. So he took Louis' pillow and hugged it tightly instead. He hugged it the way he would hug Louis, tight and tender. Harry wished, he wished that Louis will come back. Come back to him and make everything better. 

But Louis never did. Louis had left him. 

' It's all my fault.' Harry said to himself, which was true. If he was just not stupid enough, Louis would still be by his side. He's too dumb to realize that it was the only thing Louis wanted; the only thing that could make Louis happy.

Louis broke up with Harry because hiding their relationship from everyone seems to be too much for him. Louis couldn't take the pressure of having to have a "girlfriend" and having to go to "dates" . All he wanted was to get out of the closet, and let everyone know that he and Harry are together. But you see, Harry is selfish. He thinks for himself. 

** flashback ** 

"Harry, listen to me. " Louis sighed, closing his eyes for a few seconds before fluttering them open again. "It's not as hard as you think it is. We can just do a twit cam or something, and then we're going to announce that we're together. Easy peasy." 

Harry's nose flared with anger, his eyes red and wide. And to be honest, Louis doesn't like this side of Harry. 

Harry left out a frustrating growl and tugged at his curls before grabbing Louis' shoulder, pushing him to the nearest wall. Louis whimpered. 

" Are you stupid, Louis?! Are you even thinking?! Modest is going to fucking kill us, we're going to lose our fans. IS YOUR BRAIN WORKING LOUIS?!" Harry shouted, and he's sure that the neighbors can hear it, but guess what? He doesn't give a flying fuck. 

Louis closed his eyes at Harry's sudden outburst. It was terrifying, and heart breaking. It made Louis' heart crack that Harry won't trade anything just for them. He's stupid enough to think that it would work. Louis stayed silent, and Harry's grip on Louis loosened. Louis took it as an opportunity and ran. Ran as fast as he could, ran away from Harry.

 ** end of flashback ** 

 Harry knew, he knew that he fucked everything up big time. 

My pride, my ego, my needs and my selfish ways,

Caused a good strong man like you to walk out of my life.

Now I never, never get to clean up the mess I made. 

And it hunts me every time I close my eyes. 

Harry rose from the bed, for the first time ever in five days. Five days without food, five days without sleep. And Harry, he looks like shit. Harry made his way to the kitchen, rummaging through closets. He sighed triumphantly when he found what he was looking for. Three untouched bottles of Vodka. He wasted no time removing the cap and brought it with him to the sala. He sat on the couch where he and Louis would usually cuddle, talk, chill and it smells nothing but him and Louis. It served as an encouragement to Harry so he brought the tip of the bottle to his mouth and drank straight from it. He winced, feeling the alcohol slide down his throat. He didn't catch his breath, just continued drinking. He knows it won't do anything good to him, but Harry couldn't care less. 

** flashback **

Harry groaned when he woke up, a frown making its' way to Harry's features when he found out that Louis isn't beside him. He probably left sometime during the night. He was about to stand up and make his way to the bathroom when he saw a paper right beside him. It was a letter, and from what Harry is guessing, it's from Louis. 

Dear Harry,

     I think I need some space. Give us a bit of a break, yeah? 

All I wanted is to let everyone know we're together but I think it's

too much to ask from you. I won't force you to do anything. No matter

what, don't change okay? I love you Hazzabear; always in my heart.

Love,

Louis.

** end of flashback ** 

That's when Harry broke it.. He thinks it would be best to never leave the house and stay away from everyone as much a possible. Everyday, someone would knock on his door but Harry never made the effort to leave the bed. 

He finished the third bottle of vodka and felt nauseous so he stood up and made his way to the bathroon, nearly knocking every furniture that would get on his way. 

   When he thinks there's nothing to puke anymore, he went to the sink to wash his face. He might actually be featured in the Walking Dead. And he lost weight, tons of weight.

When Louis left, Harry knows that there's nothing left to fight for. There's no reason to 'live the moment because everything else is uncertain'. So it took Harry's willpower not to get the razor in the cabinet. He tried, he really tried. But he's too drunk to actually stop himself. 

He drew a line, starting really light to get used to the feeling and gradually pressing down harder. He winced, but thankful that he's too drunk to feel anything. Six bloody cuts on his wrist later, he's lying on the cold floor trying to catch his breath. He can't feel anything and his vision is getting blurred. To say the least; he's numb. He knew he went too far, but he thinks it's the only way out.  Moments passed, breathing suddenly became a priority for Harry. His vision gradually becoming black and before he can even slip into complete slumber, he placed his hand on his heart and whispered,

"I love you Louis, forever and always." 

Although it hurts,

I'll be the first to say that I was wrong.

Oh I know I'm probably much too late,

to try and apologize for my mistakes,

but I just want you to know.