YWC Day 2015

Fire

He closed his eyes as the fire started to surround him. He could still see the outside from the glass stained windows, and he could see this sunset. It showed new beginnings. A new hope, a new love, a new life. Maybe that was for someone else, he thought. He looked back to the fire, Someone else will have a new life. Maybe they'll use it better than I. He had been coming every day since she left. He felt he had failed her. He was supposed to protect her, and love her. He did love her, but maybe that wasn't enough. Is it ever enough? He thought he could talk to God. Isn't he supposed to solve all? Maybe this was the solution. All he could hear was the crackle of the fire...just like he heard once before...

"You've never been to Cracker barrel?" she looks over to me; astonished. "Nope." There is a slight smug to my response. "Damn, you have never lived boy" she starts and doesn't stop. "They play all this country music, and while you're waiting for your seat, you see; there's this shop and it has the coolest stuff. Oh my god, all the Yankee Candles smell so good. And they have it decorated for the next holiday like, months in advance. That's why it's decorated for Christmas now even though it isn't Halloween yet." The car stops and we start to walk on in, her still describing the store, "See those rocking chairs," she points; "In the summer, you can play checkers and there's always this old couple that sits on the second to last set of chairs and they are so comfy you never want to move. When you have to, you go in and you get these great biscuits after you ordered.." she stops for breath while I open the door.  "Ya get it now?" she looks over to me, "Crystal Clear" I say with same smug on my face. It takes her a moment to catch on, "Hey- I really love this place." She crosses her arms in defence while she smiles. I love that she smiles. She told me it's a recent occurrence. That I make her smile. The fact that I can do that for someone.

"Can we have a table close to the fireplace?" her saying that interrupts my thoughts. ¨Of course,¨ the server replies; ¨Right this way.¨ Hand and hand, we're led to a table closest to the fireplace. ¨I love this place¨ she starts, not looking up from her menu, ¨Dad and I used to come here all the time. Every Saturday morning, and we would always get this table, right next to the fireplace.¨ she pauses, ¨If you ask me, I think he used to slip a few dollars under the table just so we could always sit here. Always. Never once did we not. This place was our thing.¨ She puts down her menu to see I've been looking at her this whole time. Her face gets red. ¨Ohmygod I'm rambling. It's just...I miss him so much.¨ My heart breaks. I know it hurts her so bad. Her dad was the first person she lost. She lost herself when she lost him. She lost that protection, that warmth. A fire only protects you when you're in the cold.

¨You know what he always used to tell me when I would have a bad day?¨ 'Just when you think the world isn't kind, it always gives you a reason that it is'. I get it: just when you start to believe one thing, it shows you another. She takes a sip of her tea. ¨I'd like to believe that sometimes. Don't you think?¨ she gives me this look of hope in her eyes. That's it. Why do I feel like if she was drowning in the ocean, I would jump in after? A thought stays in my mind: Maybe it's love. Isn't that what love is? A fire for one another? After a few moments, I break the silence. ¨I think we got a good thing going. Don't you think?¨ I look to the fire. Maybe that's what I can be for her. A fire. A warmth. A light. ¨I think all the time, maybe even too much..but I think you're right.¨

The air around him is getting thicker. The church bells chime 12 times. One. Two. Three. Four. I can't believe this is it, he thought; I wonder if this is how she felt. Five. Six. Seven. Eight. So suffocating. She lived like this. They did this to her. Nine. Ten. Like they are doing to me. Eleven. and I can't- Twelve. Breathe.

¨It's okay- it's okay babe. I'm here now, no one is going to hurt you.¨ I could tell she didn't believe me. Her breathing was still out of her control. I put her hand to my heart. ¨Hear my heartbeat?¨ She whimpered a 'yes', "Just focus on that.¨ She nodded. Her breathing slowed down to a calmer pace. I was looking straight at her eyes which were filled with tears. Hers straight to mine. We sat there in that silence. After what seemed like several years of full of moments, I asked, ¨Was it another nightmare?¨ Her eyes went wide for a moment, I was almost afraid she was going to relive it- but she nodded and put her head between her knees. I knew she didn't want to talk about it, she told me before that she said too much. She never trusted anyone before. That's why it took her years to tell me. But she isn't over it. They say she never can be. But she can, I know she can.

¨If you want to talk about it, you know, I'm always here.¨ She looked up again. ¨I know¨ she started in a soft voice, ¨It's just...¨ She looked into my eyes. ¨I have these monsters and I don't know how to fight them. Every time I think to myself; 'This time...this time I won't let them get to me. They can't hurt me unless I let them' but every time it happens, it's like the first time all over again. And any fight I had in me just disappears.¨ She isn't crying, or being upset, she is talking like she is stating a fact. ¨Can you play for me?¨ I hesitate for a moment, ¨You sure?¨ ¨Please, it makes me feel better.¨ I grab my guitar, pluck each string, and start to play the familiar melody. ¨Sing too, please? I take a breath. ¨Just when you're outta fight, the night comes alive. When all you hear is you're mind, kiss it goodbye. The Oceans, the water, turn to another, take a breath and close your eyes. Here's a way to stay tonight...¨

"Here's a way to stay tonight" he hears her voice sing. She's gone. He tells himself, and she's never coming back. "Stay tonight" the words echoed in his mind like a haunting ghost. But all he can hear are sirens. He can faintly make out the red, blue, and white of police cars. But he can't breathe. It was love. I was fire. That's all he feels now: Fire. It was true, it was real, it was our first. And now our last. No one can change that. Please, God; He starts to beg. Take me out of this world. Let me be with her. And that's when he felt fire.