Losing Grip

I gently handed your hat to you. You took it and our hands brushed past each other. I still felt the same spark I had when we met. I looked into your soft brown eyes. They were clouded. You were distracted.

Too distracted to pay attention to me. I reached down to pick up your suitcase, but  you had already grabbed it. When had we drifted apart? You had always said forever. Forever you would always love me. I'm beginning to loose my faith.

I opened my mouth to say something, but no words came out. My throat felt dry. How bad I wanted to say 'I love you' you would never know. I reached out, pleading silently for you to come back. To pick me up in your arms. To love me like you used to.

You climbed into the bus with a simple wave back to me without a glance. I watched after as it took off in the direction to the airport. I suddenly felt alone. The house seemed so big. I looked down at my old flat heels. I prayed that you would come back right through that door and hold me close, whispering comforting words into my ear so I wouldn't be afraid anymore.

I wished it was just like it used to be. The setting sun on the horizon cast a golden glow inside the house. I was losing my grip on you. Wasn't I? My feet made a hollow 'tap' on the polished wooden floors as I made my way up the swirling velvet stairs to the bathroom.

She looked back at me. I wasn't sure who it was. She looked like me. Except for those eyes. They looked haunted. Lifeless. She couldn't be my reflection. My eyes were always full of life.

You told me so.

You said they would shine as bright as the sun. My eyes were my best feature.

That's what you said. But, did you mean it? I touched my rose colored lips. They felt soft. From the many times you kissed them.

My usual chestnut skin seemed as pale as the bed sheets I left to dry outside. Worry lines everywhere on my face.

I ran my hand through my hair. It felt lifeless. It clung to my head and face limply. I brushed a strand away from my eyes.

It fell back.

At least it knows it's place. I turned away from the mirror. It couldn't have been me. I didn't look like that. I headed over to the window and sat down on the little window seat and gazed out at the neighborhood.

It had already become dark. The moon was just rising over the mountains that sat in the distance. Stars started to slowly show up. One by one. The city lights glinted in the dark. To me, it looked like a flag.

I flinched.

My stomach growled, but I didn't feel hungry. Instead of going to get food, I just sat there, my head resting against the cold glass of the window pane. I looked out. I waited for the bus to come back.

Waited for you.

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I awoke with a start. It was morning and I had fallen asleep on the window seat. I turned around and looked at the bed, expecting you to be sitting there, waiting for me to wake up. But the bed stood in the center of the room. Untouched. I stood up and walked over to it, gently feeling the place where you always sleep.

It was cold.

I gazed over to the closet. My feet glided over to the oak doors and I pulled them open.

Your clothes were gone. Along with your army suit. Only my clothes remained. I felt something wet trickle down my cheek. I wiped it with my finger and looked at it.

A tear.

Why was I crying? I was a strong girl. You said so. The strongest you've ever met. That's what you loved about me. You said so.

The doorbell rang. I bolted out of the room and down the stairs to the front door. I swung it open eagerly, waiting to see you there with your arms held out to capture me in a hug. Just like you used to.

My bright smile faded when the mailman stood there with a letter, staring at me with surprise.

"Here's your mail...ma'm."

I took it from him with a small thanks and closed the door. I tossed the mail in a random direction and slumped down against the door.

"Elena. You're a strong girl. The strongest i've ever seen. Why are you crying?" Your voice rang out.

My eyes tore away from the floor and around the room. You weren't there. I could feel the tears well up in my eyes again. I wouldn't let them fall though. I would be brave until you came back.

Just until then.

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I sat on the porch bench, looking down at my wrinkled fingers. 38 years. I've been waiting 38 years until you would return. The folded up flag sat next to me. It was just a present from you. You didn't want me to worry. You couldn't have died. You were strong too. Stronger than me. You wouldn't have died. You told me you wouldn't die without me.

That's what you told me.

I heard the sound of a car and looked up, wanting to see the bus. Wanting to see you get out and come over to me. But only a blue mustang drove by. My eyes wandered back down to my hands. The engagement ring you gave me glistened in the sun. 10 carrot diamond. It cost you $12,000. But you didn't care. You bought it for me because I wanted it.

The sun began to set so I went in, holding the flag tightly. I walked past the counter where a white piece of paper folded three times to fit in the envelope sat.

I stopped and reached for it. As I re-read it. The feeling to laugh like I always had was gone. A feeling of depression washed over me when I realised it wasn't fake. I realised that you hadn't sent it to me as a joke.

You really were gone.

The feeling of depression was so strong, I fell to my knees, reading the piece of parchment again. How? How could you be gone?

I suddenly stood with the urge to cry. But I ignored it and set down the flag, then the parchment on top of it. I walked over to the desk in the living room, opened it and took something out. I turned around and grabbed something out of the corner.

Then, I walked up to your study. This was always your favorite place. I pulled open another drawer from the desk and pulled out a knife.

I slashed the blade across my hand and began to write on the wall with it. When I was finished, I threw the rope over the beam that held up the walls and tied a loop in it. Big enough for my head.

The rough material of the rope scratched my neck. I looked at the words I wrote on the wall one last time before smiling and kicking away the stool.

At first it hurt, but then, the pain went away. The pounding of my heart in my ears began to slow down before stopping all together. The words I wrote on the wall and your smiling face were the last things I thought about before I stopped thinking all together.

"I love you. But i'm

Losing Grip."