It Hurts That You Chose Someone Over Me (Two Shots)

It Still Hurts

I was in my room laying in bed contemplating how one man can ruin me, how one man can rip my soul, tear my heart, and kill me ever so slowly from the inside out. It hurts. It hurts so fucking much that I don't think words can ever describe the agonizing pain I have to live through, I even felt betrayed, confused, and embarrassed, but I knew it wasn't his fault, or maybe it is? Regardless, I couldn't hate him, but I want to so fucking badly, I just never had the guts to actually hate him or be mad at him, because I love him too much.

When had my life come to this?

I was living the dream, I am living the dream. Touring all over the world with my best set of friends, seeing thousands maybe even millions of people supporting us, partying and living the cliche rockstar life I wanted, inspiring people and doing what I love to do, what I dreamed to do, but it was never enough for me. I just can't fucking accept my life just the way it is. Damn humans and their nature to never be satisfied with what they have. But I guess I couldn't really blame the god (who I don't believe in) for making us the way we are.

But really, I should blame them for not noticing, and not helping me from the inevitable pain I will go through, am still going through. They didn't notice the pain in my eyes whenever he was near, the need to get out of the same room as him because he's flirting with someone that was not me, the constant need of attention so I can distract myself from thinking about him, the war within myself choosing between staying close or staying as far away from him as humanly possible. They never notice anything. But yet again I couldn't really blame people who hardly know us to save me from him, they even believe that I'm so fucking close with him, which leads me into blaming myself in the end. Masochist.

Even after living everyday through all of that, the pain I felt could not compare on what I felt when I found out Alex was engaged, that's not even the worst part, I had to find out through Instagram and fans tweeting me that "Jalex was dead." But the worst pain of all is that... Alex picked Rian over me as the best man. I have nothing against Rian I really don't, but I felt deceived, I felt alone, unwanted, useless, my own best fucking friend didn't want me. Now I know that's stupid of me to think of, but I can't help it. If Alex himself chose someone else other than me, his best friend since middle school as his best man, it really takes a huge hit to your ego. I mean how can you trust someone else to be there for you if your closest friend of all couldn't be? If your closest past lover couldn't be?

Alex and I, we have a long history with each other, as friends, as brothers, as lovers, as enemies, you name it we've been it, hell we even became friends with benefits after all of that. For the past couple of years since 2009, I've felt like my love for Alex was one-sided, I know as a lover he couldn't love me like that again, but even as a friend. I've felt like he just no longer cares about me, or anything even remotely close about me anymore. It really does plummet your self-esteem to its lowest when the one supposedly close to you doesn't even acknowledge your existence. Yes, Alex is such a huge asshole by now, but he isn't. It's confusing as fuck, but I could never see him as a bigoted prick, I could never see Alex for who he really is, maybe I'm the real problem at this point. I'm too goddamn in love with the guy, that I'm blinded by it.

I am the problem.

Whatever. I need to get out of here before my self-loathing thoughts suffocate me. Huh, Tyler was right, or whoever wrote that song, sometimes quiet is violent.

Getting up and pulling on my black plain tee, and skinny jeans, a rather typical everyday clothing. I don't live up to my rockstar self, but who cares at this point, everyone practically thinks I have no sense of fashion anyways. Sometimes, I can't help but think that most of my fans are my own enemies, and barely any have enough decency to actually defend me, but really? I should fight my own battles.