(A/n thought I'd try my hand at a zutara fan fic. It's set when the gaang is staying on ember island after "southern raiders" episode.)
Zuko wasn't sleeping. Again. This was nothing new for him. Ever since his father became fire Lord and his mother disappeared he had struggled to relax at night. Before, during his banishment, he would have sat up in his cabin reading, or speculating where the avatar was. Now, he knew exactly where Aang was; three doors down in a four post bed.
Today Zuko was pacing to relieve his nocturnal energy. His feet were bare to disturb the others as little as possible. Not that they were easily woken, he thought with a wry smile, imagining Sokka hanging half off the bed with Momo probably sitting on him.
He was glad he was finally part of their group, but slightly envious of all the time they had had each other, when he was stuck with a crew that was disdainful to him, and a caring, albeit old, uncle. He had missed out on typical teenage things. He hadn't even paid attention to girls until Mai. But Mai had been his first relationship and it hadn't worked out as well as it could have. But he didn't dwell on that.
It was pretty hot out, even at night, so they all slept with their doors cracked open. On each pass Zuko glanced in, just to make sure everyone was alright. When he padded past Katara' s door this time, he heard a lurch and her voice gasp out.
"Mother!" She said, then he heard her intake air sharply and it came out as a sob. He understood her pain. He had woken suddenly many times with that same word on his lips. He sympathized with her grief having experienced it himself. That was something Aang could never do to the same degree. Zuko recalled when Katara had announced her plan of revenge and the young air bender had brought up almost losing Appa. That wasn't the same. As close as his skybison was to him, it was nowhere near the magnitude losing a mother was.
Katara kept sobbing and Zuko stopped. No one else was awake and he didn't want her to sit alone in the darkness wallowing in painful memories. He stared at her doorway, hesitating. Although they had bonded on their"field trip" they still didn't see exactly eye to eye. He wasn't sure she wanted him to see her so helpless like this.
A loud choked sob broke his resolve and he slowly opened her door. She stared up at him with tears flowing openly from her eyes, darkening her blankets. She was curled in a ball with her arms around her knees.
"I'm fine. Go away." She croaked at him. He ignored her and sat next to her, but a good six inches away, on the bed.
"No you're not. You woke up and everything, all the memories, all the pain, flooded back and you're drowning in it. You want her back, you want to be in her arms with her whispering that everything is going to be okay to you. But you know that's not going to happen. You sit there and cry in shame in the dark. When the sun rises you gather your strength again, but at night, when the world is shadowed, you feel so vulnerable again." Zuko spoke in a firm monotone until the end when his voice cracked and, although Katara couldn't see it, a tear ran down his cheek from his good eye.
"I....you....you understand." Katara said quietly, burying her face in her knees. Zuko hesitantly put a hand on her shoulder.
"Yeah. I do." He muttered awkwardly.
"You're the only one... sokka shares the pain, but he sleeps fine. He's stronger. He's lost even more than me but he's strong enough not to cry about it so much." Her voice shook with shame. Zuko moved closer so now his arm was around her shoulders.
"You are strong. But your strength comes out in how much you let yourself care, how much you let yourself grieve." Zuko said gently. Katara looked at him still weeping, but now with a slight, hopeful smile. She scooted closer to him and leaned against him. He put his other arm around her.
"I don't feel strong when I'm crying." She muttered, her tears soaking through Zuko's thin pajamas.
"You are Katara. You're one of the strongest people I know." Zuko whispered. He started stroking her hair with one hand. It was silkier than he had imagined. He had always secretly admired her hair. Since they had first started fighting each other. He remembered the floral scent of it from when she had been his prisoner tied to that tree with the pirates. That was the scent on the necklace he had taken. Many times he had held that and thought of her. Back then it had been of how he would fight her and laugh as she watched her precious avatar taken away in chains. Of course he would have captured her too. She was to dangerous to leave loose. He'd always imagined keeping her on his ship and making her serve him. He wanted to whittle away her pride.
Now he wouldn't dream of hurting her. He looked down at the bed head of wavy brown tresses sobbing shakily into his chest. He thought for a moment what to say. He could say "it'll be alright." It wouldn't. Her mom was gone.
"Sshhhhh, you're not alone. I'm here. You're not alone. " He whispered, still stoking her hair. Her and went loosely around him and he held her a little tighter. She stopped sobbing and her breathing slowed.
"Don't leave.." She whimpered. He kissed the top of her head.
"Wouldn't dream of it." He replied, carefully leaning sideways until his head hit her pillow. She lay half on top of him, using his chest as a pillow. He left his arms around her and watched as she drifted off. Then he shut his own eyes and succumbed to sleep.
