Philophobia || t.j

1

I couldn't quite explain what it felt like. It was a mixture between absolute fear and utter excitement. Adrenaline pumped through me and my palms became sweaty. But it was much more than that. It felt warm and fuzzy, like u was wrapped in my favourite blanket. And it was all him. Completely that guy that had been my best friend since first grade. We did everything together. We went to movies, we went to the fair, anything. We liked hanging out with each other. Even though a few people accused us of being together, but that's not important. I loved him like a brother, not a boyfriend.

You see, I have this fear. I never told anyone before, but I had just discovered what was happening to me a few weeks back when Tyler became more than just a brother to me. I was starting to have this crush on him. At first, I had no idea what was wrong with me. I never felt like that before. I felt scared and alone. Like nothing was in front of me, just darkness. It wasn't pretty. Then, it hit me. I was afraid to fall in love with him. Or anyone, for that matter. I tried falling for other people, but my body had the same reaction. Shock. I wasn't used to it. I had never saw anyone as more than family or a friend.

I never knew how I fell so hard for him. It's not like I didn't go through puberty until I was 24 years old, my mind just worked in a weird way. I always knew I would know him for the rest of my life, just not in the complete and utter agony of having a crush on him. The only thing I knew would happen was I would always have him by my side, just not like that. I just always thought that he would be like an honorary brother or something. Every single day, I wanted for him to notice my affection, but I also wanted him not to. He broke my heart every single day, and I had no clue as to why. Tyler simply just did. I loved him, and I knew that. I wasn't quite sure how long my secret feelings would go on for, all I knew was how strongly I felt for him. I wanted him to notice how much I loved him.

One seemingly normal day, Tyler decided to question how strange I've been acting around him for a few days before.

"Carmen, do you mind if I speak to you for a moment? In private?" He asked. He pulled my by the wrist away from the crowd of people at his family gathering. He decided to bring me since I was so close with a lot of his relatives.

Once we arrived in his childhood bedroom, which had since been emptied because he moved out about three years ago, I raised a brow at him and turned my head slightly away from him, looking at him with only my eyes. "What's this about?" I asked, a little bit confused. My palms were brimming to sweat even though the room was quite cool.

"I'm just going to get straight to the point. What's going on with you? You've been acting weird lately." He questioned. He kept his gaze locked on my periwinkle eyes as he spoke. It was terrifying to see him like that. The intense look on his face said it all. He was very freaked out with my behaviour to say the least.

I shrugged and averted my gaze to the shag carpeted floor. "I don't know. I guess I just- Look, I don't know. My mind is starting to change, I suppose. All I know is that I'm not like I used to be. Oh, God. None of the words coming out of my mouth are making any fucking sense. But you believe me, right? There's nothing out of the ordinary happening."

Tyler simply sighed and a chuckle pushed through his throat, making a crackly laugh. "Yeah, I guess these things just happen. Just don't think that you can get away with whatever's happening. I'll try and figure it out." He winked and put me in a playful headlock. I laughed quietly as he led me out back into the dining room and pulled a chair out from underneath the table for me. He took his own seat next to me just as dinner was being brought out on plastic trays.

As we began eating our meal, I noticed Tyler seemed almost too happy after what he accused me of. It was like he was acting or something to pretend as though what we talked about just a few moments ago. I tried to shake it off, but my mind wouldn't cooperate with me. I always over analyzed these kinds of things. Like when I was in seventh grade, I always thought little things were like omens or signs. Like if I were seated next to a boy that I would, at one time, be with them or something. Or when I was in ninth, I thought that if something happened on a certain day that something else that equaled it would happen on that day next year. I know, I was pretty messed up in school.

Just as I finished going over all those stupid things in my head, Tyler turned to me with his usual kind smirk on his face. "So, Carmen, how are you feeling with this whole 'college' thing?"

"Well, you know, I'm managing with the stress, but overall, I'm doing pretty well." I sat, nodding. I had yet to finish my dinner that Mrs. Joseph, Tyler's mother, took the time to make for her family. And me, of course. It was a plate full of steak, mashed potatoes, broccoli, and cheese sauce. Although it was delicious, I couldn't eat the broccoli with the melted cheese covering it. I was allergic to dairy. I learned that the hard way.

Okay, more story time. When I was around six or seven years old, my mother unknowingly gave me a chocolate bar for a school lunch. Both my parents were unable to have any kind of dairy, so they were cautious of what they gave me to eat. So, I ate it because I thought it would taste good, which it did, but it also almost killed me. When I ate it, my throat swelled up and I couldn't breathe. I was immediately rushed to the hospital when kids in my class screamed that they could see I had trouble breathing. So, that's how I found out that my parents had pretty much taught my brain to not be able to have milk without nearly dying. Now, I have this fear of Caramilk chocolate bars.

As the night flew by, I got to know Tyler's family much better than I already did. Which, at the time, seemed almost impossible. I had already known them since before I was in kindergarten. They told me stories, they brought out board games, everything that you would expect at a family reunion.

After the party was over, Tyler offered to walk me home. Of course, I had to take his offer. We walked until I arrived home, but on the way, I noticed something in Tyler's eyes. Something I remember was in his eyes when I was in my darkest times. When I thought there was no hope for me to keep trying to live. When I hated myself. That something in his eyes was nothing to me back then, but now, I knew what he meant to me. That something was faith. He had faith in me to rise out of the deepest darkness. Faith that I would push through and live even though it hurt. That was the reason I fell for him in the first place. That was the reason I kept falling for him every day.

That was the reason I loved him. That was the reason I kept it a secret. He was my friend, and I didn't want to mess that up. He liked me as a friend, and I liked him as a friend. Things were perfect just as they were.

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So, that was my first chapter! I really hope you enjoyed it! Sorry if it sucked. So, vote, review and share! Thanks!
~cheatingvamps xoxo