Payne-ful life

(8) I remember years ago, someone told me i shold take caution when it comes to love... i thought i did...

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I wake up to the musky scent of rust and the sound of dripping water. I open my eyes to a dull blue light, like that of dawn.

My neck feels weak, my whole body is sore. I reach for my neck when somethng drips on my face. There is a dark pigment oozing from my wrist.. It takes me a second to place the color, the smell... the pain. Its blood. With great effort i sit up in the slippery tub. Recollections from lastnight flood back to me.

I remember taking a shower in the evening, seeing the scissors that my little sister had left on my sink when she was cutting her hair earlier.. She's not allowed to cut her own hair. so i let her. I believe people have the right to make thier own choices. I remember reaching for the knife and slipping.. everthing after that is a blur.

I get out of the bath tub

The entire bottom of it is filled with blood. I have to sit on the rim of the tub untill the dizziness subsides.. the dizziness that threatens to pull me back to some sort of darkness. When the black splotches on my vision go away i stand up, applying pressure to the wounds on my wrist. The scissors are strewn on the bathroom floor, along with a teen magazine, open to a page featuring Liam Payne of one direction and covered in drying blood.

I walk over to the light switch and tig at the string that is connected to the bulb, feeling the tug emagmate though the raw skin of my wrist and i cringe. Im going to have to be more careful if i don't want to be plagued by the pain and regret that follows a good cutting. The light comes on after a few secongds and i am left staring at my pale reflection in the bathroom mirror. I open the cabinet that lies behind the mirror and take out a large stack of bandaids and gauze rapping with my un-injured hand. Not botherthing to ask my mom for Neosporin, because i know she will ask what i want it for, and i have no idea where she keeps the stash of first aid. I know she thought that hididng it would help me to stop, but it only helps the bacteria go into my blood stream..

After i elaborately apply the bangaids and wrap them firmly in gauze i run the shower, attempting to wash all the semi-driwd blood from the bathtub floor. I glance in the mirror once moor at my blood caked hair and sigh. I then open the bathroom door that leads to my room and reach into the closet with my good arm for a bathrobe. With ease, i put it on and tie the strap in the front, then return to the bathroom to proceed with my mess. I cant help but to be greatful that i woke up before the others had a chance to see this. I hate confrontation. With a gasp i reach up over the cabinet to grab the bleach that resides there. I make a mental note to keep it lower as i feel the pull of the skin under the bandages of my left arm. ouch. I open the bleach and pour a boatload onto the bathtub floor. The dry, tangy scent of bleach fills the air. Before i can help it i wonder how it tastes. That corrosive liquid that everyone is so afraid to touch.. So afraid...

I close the bleach and put it under the sink, turn the light off, and close the door. I then drape a towel over my pillow and attempt to go back to sleep.

In the morning i wake up to the scent of Bacon and family chatter. All this collision of activity is coming from downstairs.. Where mom, dad, molly, and mikah are probably waiting for my arrival at the breakfast table. I know i have only moments to check on my wound and change into something presentable. I roll out of bed and stagger over to the bathroom door, pushing it open with my entire body's weight. The first thing i see it the magazine on the floor. Liams face half perfect, half lined with blood. I fall into a ball on the floor, hugging myself. I can't help the sudden wave of emotion that pummels me like an angry boxer. I feel hot tears streak my cheeks as i reach for the magazine. I stare at liam with a crumbling face and i sob. The cause of all this pain... He will never understand i think to myself, he will never care how i feel, how much i care about him.. how much i love him. I press on my bandages. Mumbling softly ''He will never care... he will never care'' Maybie the pain on my wrist will detract the pain in my heart...

***

I finish up breakfast.

''Put your dish in the sink'' mom says ''Payton? Payton! Put your dish in the sink'' mom has stood up from her spot across from me at the small table for four. she comes over and puts her hand on my shoulder. I cringe at her touch. ''Baby, you okay?'' she askes, concern in her voice.

I look up at her. Searching her eyes for any sign of understanding. Its not there.. i see pity. i see motherly affection. But she will never understand the way that i feel. ''Yea mom, im fine'' i say glancing down at my half eaten omlet.

''Okay, put your plate away when your done'' she repeats, picking up her plate and heading toward the dish-washer.

My dad, molly, and mikah are all rummaging around upstairs getting ready for a big outing. I was invited. I declined. They are going to the Lynwood mall to get icecream.

I fucking hate icecream.

I finish washing up my plate and stare out the window at the trees. They are all turning red and orange. I have always admired the way the trees morph, the way they adapt to whatever situation comes their way. My hands are on the counter on either side of the sink when i come back to reality. The dull reality that life is..

Thoughts of Liam come wondering back.. this is dangerous territory.

I remember when i first saw liam. We were having a family night. This is generally comprised of my enfire family of  five sitting infronr of the telly set watchng some game show or singing show. That night it was X factor. We had bowls of popcorn, and bottles of water, fully prepared. It was about 6 p.m and the show was just starting. Contestant after contestant stepped on stage, molly watched in awe.. Mikah watched in content, and mom and dad watched in pure humor. I remember the announder saying Liam's name. When he got on stage... Lets put it like this. I never believed in cheesy shit like love at first sight untill i saw his side-swept hair. His flushed cheeks. Then when he opened his mouth and that perfect voice sang, i was gone. My family laughed at my obsessive talking for weeks on end. I remember going on youtube at night in my room to watch his audition over and over. Then he made it to Simon's house.. I was so thrilled.

I feel a hot tear streak down my face. I take a deep breath of frustration. I don't know how to explain that i feel like i have been by his side from the beginging. I cried when he was sent home. I cried when i saw him cry at being sent home. That night in 2006 when liam was first rejected, i printed a miniature picture of him off of google and kept it in a little locket i had. It was the first obsession i ever had. At school when girls would ask me who i liked i would make up stories about me and Liam. All the girls would swoon at how sweet and romantic he was, and when they asked to meet him, i would say quickly ''He lives really far away, i only see him for summer''. 

I hug myself. A gust of cold air seeed to have come from nowhere, for i am suddely cold. all alone in this big house. I head back upstairs to my room.. by feet padding on the soft carpet that covers the whole floor.

I remember getting blood on the carpet once.. it was such a hassel to clean up, i had to scrub till my fingers were raw. I slam the door behind me and dive ontomy bed, hugging my pillow close. I sob into my pillow and try to tell myself to stop being weak.

I fall asleep this way. I wake up to a knock on my door..

My vision is blurry and my voice is horse as i sit up and mumble a permission to enter.

My mom turns the knop and steps in. Realization floods her face as she sniffs the air. "Whats that smell?" she asks, as she follows it to the source. I sit up and tie my hair, hopping off the bed and grabbing her by the shoulder just seconds before she pushed the bathroom door open.

"Mom ist nothing," i say

she shakes me off and pushes forward, relentless. Shit

She spots the tub before i can object.

She turns around and spots my arm. The bandages, i was wearing a long sleeve, but i had rolled it up to do my dishes.. I look at her eyes. A direct portal to her soul. The fury in her eyes, there is no escaping it. She slaps me so hard i black out.