It's like you've fallen in to a black hole and you can't get out. Your heads all over the place, you're getting told your beautiful, you do mean something by your friends but it's a whole lot different from you're perspective.
You feel completely drained, there's nothing left of the person you used to be. The dark has taken over. The power of your own mind is so strong, you're getting dragged down further into this hole.
You don't want to tell anyone because you feel like no one will understand or your get called a "freak" for being so dark about life.
The thing that I haven't quite understood is how someone can understand if they haven't been in your shoes, lived every step of your life. Taken a look in to your thoughts. Because honestly how can they understand if they don't know how to or where to start.
You keep telling yourself you're happy but the scars on your wrist tell a different story. They just bleed and bleed but you're so drawn to seeing the hurt that you cause yourself that it doesn't bother you anymore. You close your eyes and wait for you to gather your strength back to do it over and over.
No one sees your pain no one cares. No one can help you. You push them away. You don't want to be helped. To be helped you have to want it. Not everyone does. No one can see past your hurt. No one can decide what's best for you. Only you can do that within yourself.
Take a breath...
Listen, listen, can you hear that, that's your heart, it sounds like the beating is almost killing you from the inside out. Just wait you will soon start to feel pain, you feel numb and when you are numb nothing can physically hurt you. But that's the thing, your mind now has an advantage. It's a powerful thing you see, it will make you do things, things you may not even understand yourself.
Life is painful. You see no point in trying, you just want to give up, you want to run...run...run until you can't run anymore. You want to break free from all of this pain, your sinking, sinking deep. You open your eyes to find the room all gloomy and dark...you see yourself sinking in your own blood that was left dripping rapidly from your arms, body and legs. You try to look down on yourself but you fall because your head is pounding and you feel disorientated.
You hear noises coming from downstairs, you panic and try to pick yourself back up of off the floor. You hurry to put a jumper on so they won't see. The noises are getting closer, that person is at your door. They knock and you are quick to say "hold on one minute" whilst wiping away your tear stained make-up. "Come in" it's your little sister she tells you that your mother said it's time for dinner. "Tell mum I'll be down in a second Elsie". She leaves the room not suspecting a thing. You think to yourself you're good at this, hiding the pain and the emotions that have conquered your mind.
Dinner time you think to yourself, nothing good could come of these moments with your family. You sit there with your fork in one hand and a steak knife in the other. All that you can think of is how you could use that steak knife to cause yourself so much pain. "Rosie", "Rosie" you drift back into reality and hear your name being said. "Huh, what mum?" "I said, do you want carrots?" "Oh sorry, no thank you" you reply politely.
After dinner was done you went to your room like you always do. This time something was different, you sat on your bed, crying more than you have ever cried before. You don't want to be here anymore, you can't face life anymore, and you can't face the bullies at school. You're once again all ALONE! You are destroyed, broken in to pieces. You've always had that one friend who stood by you, but you can't turn to her because you're both arguing and she hates you, right? So many thoughts are going through your head. You cry, cry and cry. Until no more tears can fall from those shallow eyes of yours. Instead those tears turn to anger. The anger builds and builds until the blade meets your skin. Draw a pretty picture, calve some words, words that describe you best. Fat, ugly, worthless, not wanted...the list goes on.
Still no one to turn to. Not even your parents know, they know somethings not right, but they don't know how much pain you are causing yourself. Your scared, really scared. You are constantly on edge about what might happen if people found out. Will they send you to a mental home, will they nag you about everything. Randomly question you, get you to take medication. It haunts you. Everything is such a blur to you, time paces by so slowly. It feels like years since you felt 100%. But the sad truth is that it's only been two months. How many times do you have to relive the same situation, face the darkness of your own mind? It's too unfair, you feel numb.
You want to scream at the top of your lungs HELP! Somebody please HELP ME. You want to be helped but you're too scared to ask, the worrying is the most painful. You worry about being worried, little things tick you off. It could be the slightest argument and you'd still be worried. You're happy, happy that no one yet knows anything about you. Your best friend doesn't even know anything that has happened or how you are feeling. That's the thing you are worried about worrying other people, you're worried that you may hurt them.
Summer is almost over and it's nearly time to go back to school. The thought of facing the bullies is all that you can think of. But wait aren't you worried about the thought of having no one. You don't have a best friend, remember? "Oh good one Rosie" you mutter under your breath. Everything's your fault, she hates you and you're scared to see her around school. What if you look at her funny, what if she doesn't want to know you anymore, what if she, what if she's got a new best friend. "These thoughts are stupid" you keep telling yourself, but really there reality.
You stumble out your door, dragging your feet behind. The school bus is waiting for you, you sulk and take a sly breath. They are all on their staring at you, talking about you. It destroys you. You find yourself struggling to breathe. Oh no panic has hit your brain. You're in overdrive. Why is it that you feel like this, you find it hard to understand yourself. Here we go again. "Freak" someone shouts from the back of the bus. You know damn well it was aimed at you. "Maybe I am a freak". It goes through your head.
School was a really horrible day, no one to talk to. Your sitting on your bed and the thought of things that people had said to you today makes you wonder why they are saying them because they don't know anything about you or what you've done to yourself. Then it hits you, it's what you look like, it's your hair, your make-up, your teeth, your style of clothing. Why are they so horrible?
Just breathe...
BREATHE, BREATHE, AND BREATHE! Arrrggg! It's too overwhelming, yet again you turn to the Vaseline pot that holds your secret. This time it turns you insane. You go mental and you can't seem to stop. It just bleeds and bleeds. It's scary, you feel dizzy. You lay down and put pressure on your arm. The bleeding is trying to stop, but you keep moving and squeezing it. More blood starts to appear. How have you done this to yourself? Nothing bothers you, you're falling in to a deep sleep, but the thoughts are still going through your mind. How can you feel like this?
You wake up in the night screaming, but you're not screaming in reality. You're screaming for help in your mind. The house is silent! Everyone is asleep. Its 3am, your dad has to get up for work in an hour. You go downstairs trying to be as quiet as you can not wanting to wake anyone. The water has one of the best effects on you. It's just what you needed to be able to breathe. You go back to bed and you fall asleep.
