habits ; jmt + ajh [ oneshot ]

HABITS

You were straight-edge and I was an addict. Not really the perfect match, huh? But we were in love. Were being the keyword.

Late night, in my room, you said that if I continued smoking, our relationship would fall apart. You'd let go of us. I understand.

But I don't want that. This was like a trade. Throw away that cigarette for Andy's respect for you. If you don't, bad luck. No love for me.

I have tried to do that. "Stop smoking." It isn't that easy to do so.

Cigarettes are what make me feel like I'm alive. I don't care if they're gonna be the cause of my own death. Cigarettes make me feel like life is worth living, but at the same time, it's not worth it.

But you. Fuck, you, Andy. Can I really risk letting go of the only two things in this world that I careabout?

No.

I'm Joe, I never learn.

Know what I did?

I risked our relationship for a single stick of cancer.

"Joe. I swear to god, if I see you smoking again, we're over. You know that thing's bad for you, right? Would you really risk your life for that 'stick of relief'?", you said. Those were the words that went from my left ear and went through my right ear. I never listen.

Later that night, you went to the bathroom connected to my room. While I was out of your sight, I got a cigarette from my cabinet and went out of my house. I grab the lighter out of my pockets (it's always in there) and lit the cigarette up. And I did my bad habit. My supposedly bad habit. I couldn't care less if I were to die because of cigarettes. I'm fucking ready.

But then, you saw me. Smoking. I was unaware of your presence.

"You never listen.", you said. Those three words made my heart shatter into 999 million pieces. Why? Because I knew that just by saying those words, you're done with me. You fucking hate me. I lost you.

Your lips tasted like nicotine and I was addicted.

But bad luck to me. I'll never ever even see you again.

That's because I never listen.

---

THE NEXT FIVE MONTHS

Today is your birthday. And today is the 3rd "monthsary" of me getting out of my misery. Of my addiction.

So I decided that I should go to your house and tell you that I've quitted. Maybe we'll be together again. We'll be us again. A better version of us.

So that's what I did. I went to your house, hoping that you'd take me back. Forgive me for my obliviousness. For my selfishness. I prioritized pleasure first when I should not have.

When I was already in front of your house, I knocked on your door. That was the first thing I did since I didn't want to be disrespectful.

But when you weren't opening the door, I decided to turn the knob. I opened the door.

The sight that I saw fucking broke my heart.

Like it wasn't even broke in the first place.

I saw you kissing another guy. Pete Wentz.

I wasn't surprised.

Of course you replaced me.

You replaced me with a better man. A man that would make you happy. Unlike me.

It was okay with me, but at the same, it wasn't.

It was okay with me because I deserved being hurt. Because I know I hurt you in the first place. Because I know that I let you down. I promised you that I'd never smoke again. But promises? They're just really made to be broken.

It wasn't okay because, fuck, I risked 3 months without cigarettes. It was hard, being committed to not having the chill air from the cigarette on my lungs. It was hard not having a stick of it. It's hard to resist, Andy. If you knew.

But then I realized. I loved you so much, Andy. So much that I was risking my pleasure for you. But, Andy. You were my bad habit all along. I loved you but then you hurt me. You were my cigarette all along.

I broke through tears.

I'm such a fuck-up.

I'm such a fuck-up to myself.

If only I listened.

I closed your door and went back to my house.

I went upstairs and walked to my room.

I open my cabinet and search for my pack of cigarettes.

I grab a stick on my left hand.

I grab my lighter from my pocket with my right hand.

I lit up the cigarette and did what I did best.

Smoke.

Why did I keep smoking again?

Because I never listen.