Loving Is Fighting; And I'm Willing To Fight

Chapter 1 June 27 2015

The night is hot and the sun has just dove under the horizon. The rain hitting on everything exposed doing little to help with the blazing heat. My wet hair, possibly the only cool thing in the room, laid on my pillow and my hands above my head holding my phone steady. "Ah, goddamnit." I mumbled when my phone died rudely interrupting a movie I was watching. "Honestly ridiculous, if my parents pay for an expensive ass device it should freaking work properly." My voice sounding angry and unpleased. " Reclamando porque?" (What are you complaining for?) My mother questioned walking down the hallway with her own phone in her hand. I closed my eyes and sighed, " Este telephone é uma merda e é velho." (This phone is shit and old)
"Eu Sei, mas é o único que você tem," (I know, but it's the only one you have) was simply all she said and easily all it took for me to realize she had a point.
"Yea, I know mom," I whispered to myself knowing she was already out of hearing range.
My day was long, boring, and very quiet. However, that's usually how summer vacations are for me, consequence of being the "different" kid in the bunch. I did have a best friend at one point and I loved her to death, literally, I thought because of the eight long years I had known her for that I really would. But obviously how much time you've known someone for doesn't matter, because people change. People change and unexpected things happen in the blink of an eye and you're expected to deal with it and move on, that's usually how it is. When I say I'm a different type of kid, I mean I'm quiet, I don't enjoy gossiping about boy bands nor do I like stalking them on social media. I really am big on enjoying the little things in life and I don't have any crazy made up stories to tell about someone famous I'm "dating" in a 4 piece boy band. I'm down to earth and very open about myself now. I used to be very silly and ashamed of the way I look and the fact I'm not as "pretty" as a Victoria secrets model, or the flawless women on the magazines. But I've come to learn not even the women in the magazines look like the women in the magazines. It's all an illusion for nothing that really gravely matters.
I'm geeky and love everything I have and have been granted. I'm a 13 year old girl who has a family, a home, food on the table, a bed to sleep on at night and school to go to on the weekdays. Now even though my life isn't perfect, and eventually I'll tell you why it isn't, it's worth living, fortunately, I'm a very lucky person. I love good books, every type of catchy tunes, movies, blood soaked video games, almost every type of science there is, (screw chemical equations) outer space, and Earth itself. It's all just so fascinating, don't you think? And the human body is the first on that list of goodies, I am so intrigued by the female and male anatomy, and perhaps female a bit more because I am, that's it's kind of funny. You might think I know too much for my own good at the end of a handful of chapters, and you might be right. But being ignorant to things everyone should be more aware of is something I will always refuse to do. I love being informed and hate the feeling of not knowing. Don't get me wrong though, I don't stick my nose in everyone's business, that's just annoying. However, if there's talk and it for some reason involves me in it you bet your ass I'll know about it.
" I should do my summer work packets," I said to myself sitting on the floor with my legs stretched out in front of me. I puckered my lips and widened my eyes taking in a deep breath like a pufferfish when it's blown up. "Maaaaaaybe later," I shrugged my shoulders yawning. I sighed and thought to myself,' I'm so screwed.' I got myself up and went for my door when as soon as my hand reached the cold metallic handle I hear my name being shouted. " Gabi! Want to go out?" Bella asked from the neighboring bedroom. I pulled open my door, made a left, than opened hers," where?" I questioned as I don't enjoy traveling to mysterious destinations. "Just to Whole Foods, I need to buy the dog some meat and veggies to make her some food for this week. Come and keep me company?" My older sister wondered applying her Chapstick in front of her long thin mirror resting against the wall which had snow like traits. I raised my eyebrows and said," ah yes! I love Whole Foods." Suddenly not feeling so bored anymore. There is a vibe to the place I just adore. Everything is organic and pretty, not bombarded with preservatives, chemicals, and or genetically modified foods. It just makes me happy. There is such a realness and proper use of the things nature basically hands us, it's quite lovely. "Alright well hurry up, I want to leave in five please." She shouted as I was already in my room in search for a nice outfit.
Now, you might ask "why? It's just a shopping market?" But I always like to look my best. I feel good, and hey, you never know who you'll randomly run into. I looked and looked and had nothing. Everything just felt so over used and not "me" anymore. If that makes any sense. "Damn it," I whispered knowing what was coming as I had felt this same feeling of hopelessness several times before. I rubbed my eyes which had become glossy, why am I getting sad over such a simple thing as putting together an outfit. Oh yea... Because I know none of them will make me look the way I want to look. The way I've been told will make me appear prettier. I know it sounds stupid, but I'm done with baggy clothes to hide myself from the world. I want to progress and migrate into someone that loves them-self. And I know at the end of the day it all comes down to me. Sometimes, I'll dislike myself for days at a time because I have the idea stuck in my head that the only way I'll ever be beautiful is when I'm accepted by everyone else. This is what happens when you grow up being bullied and in a world where not being under a size 5 is shameful. From grade four, I believe, that's as far back as I can remember it, all the way up to grade seven. I kept receiving unwanted comments on the way I look. These comments only hurt me as much as they did because they were true. I was big, you can't even fight me on that if you tried because really, I'm not afraid to admit it that I was. I saw this to. And I didn't like it. I started realizing after a while not liking the way my own body looks and having to wear a sweater in a 90 degree classroom because I was uncomfortable in just the school shirt wasn't how I wanted to live my life. Hiding myself because I wasn't okay with me. I wasn't who I wanted to be and for years I cried and tortured myself over it. Why? Why do I have to be different? Both my sisters are everyone's body goal. I would tell myself. And I'm no ones. At 13 I was at the stage of " oooo he's cute," and "it would be nice to have a boyfriend now since almost every other girl had one as well." But no one liked me like that. I was either just a sisterly figure or a friend. Or right I forgot, and the girl you said you'd only date if she lost a couple pounds before being high fived and pat on the back by your mates. Yea, I remember that all to well. All these thoughts and feelings I would keep bubbled up would always lead to one repetitive question I would continuously ponder over. Why. Me?
However, after all the questions, all the times I cried myself to sleep over such a thing, which were many more times than any healthy person ever does, I decided enough. I want to change. Not for the boys, no, not for anyone else but myself. I was done feeling I wasn't good enough. I wanted to change to be able to look in the mirror and say "damn, I really do look stunning." For me to feel comfortable in shorts and clothing that isn't 2 times bigger than my actual size. For me to love me, simple as that. And on that day, everything changed. Not just my appearance, or the number that popped up on the weighing scale. But literally... Everything completely

Just a little authors note, everything I've written is completely true. It really comes to show just how much a person who appears happy and fine to you, can really be breaking inside. Which is why I always try my best to be comforting towards everyone, do no harm but take no shit. ✌️ I've gotten better though, no worries. 😚