I Thought [a Tamen De Gushi fanfiction]

going home

"Do you want to get some ice cream, Qiu Tong?"

"Yeah, sounds great!!" she grinned.

She gets so excited over such small things, I couldn't help but smile.

A little bell rang as we opened the door to the ice cream shop.

She gave all the flavors a scrutinizing look through the glass. "What are you going to have, Sun Jing?" she asked, and it felt like she was only trying to break the silence while she tried to decide what she wanted.

"Probably chocolate." I said. I always order chocolate. I'm not a fan of the fancy new flavors.

"Ah... Then I'll just have mint chocolate chip." she shrugged.

As usual, I walked with her to her house today. She keeps saying that she'll be completely fine with it if I don't walk her home, or that she doesn't want to be a nuisance. But I like walking with her, I like talking to her, even if it's about completely nothing. Even if she's had a bad day and our walks become quiet, I still like being with her.

"Qiu Tong. Could I ask you something?"

"Hm? Of course! What is it?"

I was quiet for a while. I pondered on how to phrase my question exactly.

"What do you think your future will be like?"

She looked at me, amused.

"Why so deep, Sun Jing?" she chuckled. "You've been going through those blogs again, haven't you?"

I laughed. "No, you dork, I was just wondering."

"Well, to be honest, I don't have that many plans— but it would be cool to study music in a good university. And after that maybe I'll get a nice house away from the city."

We were nearing Qiu Tong's house by then.

"Do you want to live alone?" I asked.

"Oh... I guess having an entire house to myself would be nice. But it would be lonely, I think." she looked at the pavement for a while. "No, I don't really want to live by myself."

"...Are you scared of being alone, Qiu Tong?" I teased.

"N-no way! I'm not!" she said, and punched my arm playfully. Riiight.

"Well, what about you?" she asked.

I didn't know what to tell her. Because I saw a future with her. Everything else seemed obsolete, if I only had her, that would be the only thing that matters. But of course, I couldn't tell her any of this.

"I'll probably try and make sure you don't get killed. You know, most serial killers target people who live alone."

"Sun Jing!! Stop that!"

I laughed. "But you'll probably be fine if you have a roommate."

We reached her place then.

"See you tomorrow, Qiu Tong." I waved her off.

"Bye! See you! Thanks for the ice cream!" she said.

I grinned when I saw her wave at me energetically from her porch. Then she stepped into her house, and I walked away with a smile.

The way she talks to me, you'd think she likes me back. I used to think so too. But the reality is, she's not able to return my feelings.

Her words hit me like a truck that night. I knew that she probably never returned my feelings anyway, but there was something in the way we looked at each other sometimes. Something in her eyes. How she lights up when we talk or joke around. The fact that she doesn't like talking to people that much, but she talks to me anyway. And how many times she's hugged me. But I guess I only see what I want to see.

And all those things had me thinking about this make-believe future, this idealistic time when I'll be with her and she'll be with me.

Haha. Please, Sun Jing. See what happens when you get your hopes up too high?

Just face it. You're never going to have her.

You're never going to have her.