Just What I Needed (Revisited)

Prologue

The first day of summer was supposed to be happy. Well, maybe not happy, but something. Bright. Maybe exciting. Fun even. There were so many plans to fill before senior year.

Instead it rained.

Nothing had changed, not really. School was only out for the summer, and it was raining n Bellingham – not exactly a surprising turn of events. It was just life as we knew it. Dad was at work and I was being dragged along to some concert with my best friends while my boyfriend opted out for a party.

Everything was normal. The tightly wound sensation in my stomach was as strange as it was familiar, especially when paired with the lumbering, almost cottony sensation in my head. Like anxiety mixed with absolute carelessness.

Everything was normal and it didn't make sense.

And there I was, stood squished between my two friends with people breathing down my neck somewhere that I'd never wanted to be. The voices were high pitched and it was stifling hot. Hot enough I imagined pulling my shirt over my head just to get some form of air against my skin. And the show hadn't even started.

Joe had gotten us to the stadium three hours early by Haley's request. We had to get a good place to stand. Apparently there was to be no shoving at this sort of concert, no mosh pits allowed, but maybe a tad of moderate swaying, but no real dancing. The crowd had to be still to get the better pictures, of course.

The strangest part was that I couldn't even work up disdain, not for the crowd or the soon to be performers. I felt wired for sound, in a distant sort of a way. Like there was electricity buzzing through my veins, but I didn't have the energy to move.

Something must have shown on my face, because all too soon there was a head of straw coloured hair obscuring my vision. Haley was peering up at me. All big brown eyes and rosy cheeks, excitement having dimmed by merely looking at me. The thought of that caused enough guilt to pool in the pit of my stomach that I pasted the brightest smile I could muster.

It wasn't enough if the frown that Haley put on was anything to go by.

"You okay?"

The eager nod I tried for must've of fallen short as well, because her carefully painted lips pursed shut. And then she was giving me a light nudge in the side. "C'mon, I know you're a snob and all," she teased lightly, trying to lift the mood, "But it'll be fun, okay? Just try."

"I'm not a snob." It was said in the weary tone of something repeated thousands of times before. "And I am trying, I'm here, aren't?"

Haley only shook her head lightly and suggested, "Try not scowling, maybe?"

My fake smile dropped instantly, narrowing my eyes at her.

Before either of us could say a thing a snort sounded from my either side, and then an arm was worked around my shoulder in the limited space. The squeeze Joe gave me was as reassuring as a gesture could be.

Thankfully we were saved from any more bickering when the lights went down and Haley let out a fittingly high-pitched screech to echo along with the rest in the stadium.

The excitement was clear all around. I was certain that if I touched Haley she would be positively trembling with it. Yet I felt like there was no way I could touch it, even if I tried to grab. It was as if I was standing on the outskirts even though I was caught right in the middle. All degrees of separation, and I couldn't say if it was only in my head, but I only sighed as I watched the three boys walk on stage.

My eyes followed the lead singer, all dark hair and head down as he picked up a guitar. There was no bothering with an introduction or interacting with the crowd, just jumping into the song with minimal fuss. I couldn't help the fact that my eyebrows rose incredulously.

The show went on, and I slipped my arm through Haley's as we swayed together. But I couldn't work up any emotion for the band, and there was no doubting that the sensation went the other way. The lead singer was the epitome of going through the motions. He looked over the heads of the crowd, hand working across the guitar blandly and singing carelessly into the microphone. It was as if the whole thing was an ordeal for him.

For a second I thought I might have seen that familiar disconnection reflected back to me in those eyes filled with flashing lights from the stage, even if he never did look down at the crowd.

But maybe I was just trying too hard to see something that didn't exist. 

- so yeah, this'll be the rewritten JWIN if I ever get around to it, lol. sometimes i just feel like my babies deserved more from me, so here we are. we'll see how you all feel about it. sooooo many things are going to be different, and i'm excited to know what you guys like at the same time as what you don't. 

by the way, who made this cover? it was sent to me years ago, but i didn't write down who made it... tell me so i can dedicate it to you! i was going to use The jwin cover that J made me all those years ago, but i didn't want it to get confused. still i might change it back, i'm rather emotionally attached to that cover. that's how our friendship started lol -