Life Must Go On (On Hold)

The Beginning

"The darkness seemed to surround her and torture her slowly. Sometimes she would find herself wandering in the darker parts of her mind remembering why she was the way she was. She couldn't escape it and after a while didn't want to. It became a part of her. She explored it until there was nothing but darkness..."

- (http://aryaeverdeen-batman.tumblr.com/post/144175374521/the-darkness-seemed-to-surround-her-and-torture)

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I stood there waiting for something to happen, and yet, I felt nothing. I just stood there in the dark looking up at the moonless night sky, the stars being the only source of light. I was surrounded by the darkness we called the sky. For miles upon miles, I only saw the sky. A similarity to my own life and mind. It all seemed so dark and so endless. I am living a tiresome life.

"I don't know what to do anymore Elijah. One moment I'm raging, and the next, I feel nothing. Is that even normal? To feel all these emotions so intensely and then feel numb the next second?" I sighed.

"The first thing you need to do is calm down. Freaking out right now isn't going to solve your problems, Elise. You're stressing yourself over literally nothing," my brother sighed.

"I know, but what else am I supposed to do? I'm not telling Mom or Dad about this. They don't know how to handle talking about mental health. They're either going to think I'm fucking crazy or they're going to start asking me if it's their fault I feel like this. I rather that they don't find out about the depression. They're only going to make me feel insane," I looked down at my feet.

"Why? I'm sure they'll understand if you just talk to them. They're actually really understanding once you actually talk to them," Elijah tried reasoning with me. As always, he was the golden child, trying to keep in our parents' good graces. He's always been like this. 

"No, they won't. They weren't raised to openly talk about mental illness and you know how the community and culture react to any talk about there being something wrong with us. It's practically taboo. I know that you just want to help out, but involving our parents is not the answer," I told my older brother.

"You can't just keep it inside all the time," Elijah said, "Sooner or later, the wall you're putting up is bound to crack, and when it does, everything is going to fall out. If you're not going to open up to Mom and Dad, then you should at least look for a therapist."

"I know, but until that happens, let me handle it. I know what I'm doing," I looked him in the eyes. He let out a breath which he seemed to be holding for a while now. He pulled me into a hug and left the room without another word. 

My brother was the first one to figure out something was wrong. It took a while until I told him the truth.

Truth: 

1) the quality or state of being true.

2) That which is true or in accordance with fact or reality.

3) A fact or belief that is accepted as true.

Those are the dictionary definitions of what the truth is. But there are different truths too. My truth, your truth, and THE truth. They're all different. There can't be just one, but what if there is just one? The truth that no one is willing to believe is there, but it's there and it always will be. Why can't we acknowledge that truth? Is it because we're too scared to admit something that's always been there or are we too ignorant? If you ask me, it's both. We become too scared of what the truth really is which leads to ignorance. Ignorance, because we try to avoid the truth we start believing something else that is completely against our better nature. It compensates for the lies we tell ourselves and others. That's how my parents are. They don't understand me, they don't understand my thoughts, or my reasoning, or my beliefs. It's difficult to live with someone who you don't understand. But, like they say, you don't get to choose who you share your blood with.